How do I let go of the anger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
How do I let go of the anger?
5
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:08am

I hate my ex so much right now that I'm really wondering how I will ever be able to be in the same room with him and not feel contempt when I look at him? I finally realized my ex doesn't give a crap about me and got up the courage to walk away. We have a 6 month old together and the way he wants it is to come around when he is in the mood to be a Daddy but to have his free days to run wild and be single. I'm sorry but this p*sses me off so bad that men can treat women like this. My first instinct to take my daughter and never let him come near her again because deep down I know my ex has no idea how to be a real man and good father. His actions have shown that he has no morals, character or conscience. What the heck is going to teach his child? How to stay away from men like him? Of course if I do take her away then I'm the bad person. It's so unfair the way some men treat women and they can come and go as they please and we are just supposed to take it.

I guess what it comes down to is I want my ex to know how much he has hurt me and atleast feel bad about it but he doesn't and he never will. I feel like I'm just giving him what he wants he will know he has gotten the best of me. I hope my feelings will change later but my hate for this guy doesn't look like it will fade anytime soon.

Anyone else feel like this?

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:56am
Allison
I went through that with my ex husband at one time. We have 2 boys and one is Autistic. I got tired of him not showing up and only when he wanted to... not sure if you have gone this route, but I went for child support, after that he became more attentive and doing what he was suppose to do. Not sure if that was the solution but it worked. But we are friends now and I can live with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 2:53pm
It's great that you and your ex-husband were able to become friends. Was your breaku[p mututal? Did you guys end on good terms? If not how did you cope and get over it? I just don't know how to be friends with someone who could have cared less about me. I don't want to be a vengeful person but everytime I think about how I gave my heart to this man and stomped all over it, I just want to puke if he comes near me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 3:34pm
Alison,
I rarely read the newly heartbroken posts anymore because I'm in the 10th week but your subject title really hit home to me. YES!!!! I totally hear you! You are not alone in these feelings of contempt and hate. Oh my gosh, my first month was pure sadness and missing him. Then those feelings gave way to what you're feeling now. I am a peace-loving person and I don't like myself when I have such negative thoughts/feelings about another human being but darned if I can't shake my anger at him right now. I know anger serves a purpose but it must be monitored closely so it doesn't become a way of life. WE all know those people who are so eaten alive with their anger that they absolutely suck to be around. They spread their bitterness all over the place and they are toxic. Alison, I don't think we are those people but we are certainly justified in feeling the way we do for being ill-used be somebody who fell short on their promises and commitment. The anger is telling us that yes indeed something wrong was done.
You are right about not keeping your child from him because you will end up causing your daughter to resent YOU instead of him. Let him show himself to her without your input. If he isn't a good father to her, she'll figure it out on her own. HE is her father just as much as you are her mother and if she senses that you're attempting to take him away (even though you may be totally right about him), she will turn on you eventually. In the field I work in, I see that happening all the time- parents using their kids against each other. The kid is the victim there and it's so sad. If he's an ass to her, she'll draw her own conclusions and respect you all the more for taking the higher ground.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 8:20pm

Popeyesgal,

I know you're right. I won't deliberately keep him away from her. He emailed me today asking me what I'm going to do. I guess he's ready for me to leave. I have to decide soon what I'm going to do. I've been thinking and I don't think I'll be able to handle to continue living here without my family to support me emotionally. For a while atleast. I need time to adjust to being a single mom and stop worrying about what I don't have anymore. I will tell my ex he can see her whenever he wants and maybe one day a few months down the line I'll bring her to see him as well. That's all I can give right now. I've spent the past 2 years trying to please him and make him happy and now I can't do it anymore. I have to take care of myself and my daughter otherwise I'll go crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 10:34pm
Yes Allison the divorce was a mutual decision, but after I did the initiation. He didn't dispute it and we agreed to be civil for the children's sake. We've had our moments of anger towards each over the past two years but we've been able to work things out.