how do i move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
how do i move on?
3
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 6:00pm
hi everyone.
i'm just having a particularly bad day today. it's been exactly a week since he broke it off . my ex has the baby and baby won't be back until tonight, so i spent all day doing housework and generally just being/feeling like a big lump of sadness.
my previous post was my conundrum of whether or not i should be home when he came to pick up baby, but i thought it was too soon to see him, but i had to be there to hand baby off. he didn't show - he had his parents come pick baby up for him. in a way, i was grateful, but it made it all the more heartbreaking. he doesn't want to be with me, and he's making that very, very painfully clear.
i guess i'm just feeling the severe loss of what could have been something great. we used to be so happy. and then just towards the end did things start to go bad, emotions ran high and things were said, on both our parts. things that i wish i could take back, tell them i only said them out of anger, but once they're said, it's out there, you know? you can't take it back. and now looking back, i realise he only said those things out of response to me, he's never said or done anything bad to me, is the best boyfriend i ever had, and is one of the nicest, most sincere person i've ever met.
i want him back so much. i don't even know what i could possibly say to win him back, nor do i want to be in that position where i'm the one chasing him around and he has the upper hand. stupid and immature, i know, but that is how i feel. we have a child together, it's hard for me to just let this go. we had plans together, of marriage and more children and building a life together, and i can't let go.
it seems he is though, so i guess i have to. my question is how?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:54pm

Hi paradisochick,


The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have - Kierkegaard


Go easy on yourself and pamper yourself.


It takes time to grieve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 8:15pm

I still have the same question I had in your first post: What as so unworkable in your relationship that you felt you had to walk out of it? It's not that I'm being nosy, but it's hard to offer suggestions either one way or another (as to staying away or possible reconciliation) unless we know the specifics. Meaning, I don't believe anyone will to suggest to someone who was in an abusive relationship to get back together with their ex, then again, some things really can be worked out, it's just hard to see how when you're in the middle of the emotional muck.

So my first post to you still applies in this one, and I hope to hear from you soon on the background. If you've posted and I missed it, I'm sorry, and can you link it again, please.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 11:00pm

sandra,

i apologize for not giving out details as to why we broke up in the first place. we had so many problems that to even try to categorize or "line them up" so they made sense was too much and got to be too confusing in my head.

S and i had a whirlwind relationship. we met, fell in love, and 9 months later, had a baby. i moved in with him about a month before baby was born and all was well - it was a new experience for both of us, living with someone or even having that serious of a commitment to anybody. i was apprehensive at first, but he swore up and down he'd make me comfortable, make me happy, that we'd work together, talk out our problems should any arise etc. it really was great. then baby came. as anybody would expect, it was an immensely stress-filled time (interlaced with joy and delight, of course :) but i think i can speak for him and i and say that it was a lot for us to handle. we started arguing a lot, mostly just about household things, we were both so sleep deprived and he had to go to work all day. but i still kind of expected him to get up sometimes at night for diaper changes and the like, so i could get some rest too. he was willing, but was always stressing that he was tired too from working, and in his ow words, "not that taking care of a baby isn't work, but you're in the comfort of your own home, you can relax and nap with baby". i always had supper ready when he came home, or at the least in the process of preparation, and asked him several times, if maybe once in a while he took the reigns and made supper. he never did.

he also had a problem with marijuana and cigarettes, which i admit, i knew from the get go he enjoyed, but we had always discussed that once baby came, cigarettes would be a thing of the past, and he would try to cut down and not smoke marijuana when he was anywhere around baby. i also have to add that when i moved in with him, i had no idea he smoked pot on a daily basis and several times a day. even after baby was born it seemed he was smoking it more and more, was high all the time, and didn't seem like he was even trying to cut down. he wasn't like a goofy, crazy high school kid when he was high, just sort of ... absent. i started resenting him for it. i talked to him about this, and he assured me it would not become a problem in our relationship, he would make sure of it. he jut said he was stressed, he used it as a way of relaxing. he also spent what i could consider a lot of money on the stuff too, around $200-300/paycheque, which i didn't agree on. our finances were never pooled, or at least he never was willing to discuss his finances out in the open. he always made sure rent/bills/miscellaneous were taken care of though, but i still felt we, as a couple, should've been able to talk about it. he always said it was his money, that he worked hard for it, he should be able to do what he wanted with it etc. i don't argue with that, but i still felt left out, you know?

he also didn't have a drivers license. he's 26. as soon as we found out we were pregnant, i asked him to get it, that it was a good idea to have one, he said he would. he never did. everytime i tried to help him study for the test, he said he'd do it later, that he'd get it in due time, that he just didn't think it was important. i had my license and it's true he acquired a car for me from his uncle so i could drive around and run errands but having to do all the shopping etc. with a newborn baby in tow was not easy. i enjoyed the freedom, but also think he could have shared the responsibility of being the one to run out at 11 p.m. to get something we needed. he still does not have his license.

he's always been the kind of person that takes forever getting things done, always a procrastinator, and always needs a push, and to the people around him, a large amount of patience. he's told me this, his parents have told me this. of course, he will always get stuff around the house done, whenever i've asked him to do laundry or the dishes, he is quick to please. but i guess with things he believe could wait, or aren't important to him, he takes forever.

he's also a bit of a hermit. he's not the type to go out at all, would rather just stay at home and play his video games. he has social anxiety problems which i knew about but always just assumed he would make allowances for me, someone who he says he loves. he's never taken me out to a movie, out for dinner, anything. even in the beginning, i was always the one initiating this, and i was fine with it then, but it got to a point where, okay, i deserve better than this. i asked him to make more of an effort, surprise me every once in a while, take me out to a movie, make me dinner, buy me flowers etc. he never did. even when our son was born, he never thought to buy me any flowers.

there are other problems we had in the relationship, but it seems at least on my end of things, it had to do with the stresses with having a newborn around and just altogether just learning how to live WITH each other. i have to admit i have many faults as well. i am quick to judge, have a temper, i don't necessarily talk out my problems, just give him the cold shoulder until it blows up and i end up yelling and screaming. i have said things i don't even mean, but just for the sake of wanting to say anything i can to hurt him, take a jab at him. i want to take all of these things back, but can't. there was a point during an especially explosive argument where it got to be too much, and i hit him on the back. he called the cops and they came. it ended up being a whole family affair where he called his parents and i called mine, and both sets came over while we waited for the police. he was not physically hurt, just emotionally. he said later on that he never thought anybody who loved him would hurt him like that, i apologised profusely and he forgave me. at the time, i was crying and just worn out, tired of it all, still loved him, but that was the first time i actually considered leaving. i was at a point where i questioned if it was a good idea if i stayed with him. i felt like i was the one making all the efforts, and have been so forgiving of him and he was coming up short with all that i've asked him to do.

it was soonafter that i moved out. even before i moved out, things kind of got better, then it got worse, i think we, but mostly me, just started resenting him, being bitter, and it all ended up in an argument that had me packing up my things one night and leaving. i have never been back to his apartment. and then things just unravelled form there. i never left because i stopped loving him, stopped wanting to work things out, but i just could not stay there anymore with us arguing all the time. he took me leaving as a sign that things were over, that i had left him. we've both been back and forth on whether or not getting back together would be a good idea. he has suggested counselling on multiple occasions but never seems to follow through with them (he needs to make the appt. because his job offers free counselling). i haven't always been as nice to him as i should have, but i was still deeply hurt and the only way of coping it seemed was to be mean to him. everytime he's called or came to pick up baby, i've been short with him. i don't mean to be. i always tell myself, to just be nice, take it easy, don't fly off the handle, and everytime, i act the complete opposite when i see or talk to him.

last week he broke it off with me. i sort of knew it was coming because lately he's only called to see when he could come pick up baby, and never anything else. the last conversation we had he broke it off, said we were too different, that we weren't meant to be, that he needs to get his life together, he needs to grow up, that if i had really loved him i'd have never left him, said i would thank him in the long run for ultimately ending things, said he'd only end up hurting me, said he'd be happy if i found someone that made me happy. he also said that he loves me but is just not in love with me anymore. i think that is the hardest to accept. i can't help but think it's mostly my fault all this happened. i've admitted that me leaving him was a mistake, that if i could i would have stayed and tried harder, help him work through his issues and mine as well.

he has said that if went want this to work, we have to forgive each other, forget the past and just work on our future. i want to forgive him but just don't know HOW. and now i feel like he's just completely giving up on this relationship and it's not fair.

despite all of this, i do love him. i know i've pointed out mostly bad things about him, but the good things about him seem to outmeasure them at this point. he's an extremely loving person, isn't afraid to show it. he was always leaving me little notes, would stop me in my tracks to tell me he loved me, that i was beautiful. he's a generous, almost to a fault, ridiculously loyal, friendly, laid back kind of guy. he made me laugh, made me feel comfortable in my own skin. we used to be so happy, two of us against the world. anybody who meets him falls in love with him. and i just miss him so terribly. i miss him. he's incredibly sincere and makes the best out of any situation.

i just dont know what to do at this point. i've wanted to call him numerous times, the last time being last night after him and his father dropped baby off. i cried myself to sleep because i wanted to talk to him so bad, hear his voice, tell him maybe it's best we didnt see each other for a while, that his dad could do the pick ups/drop offs, that it hurts just to see him. i ended up not calling. this is the way it's going to be from now on, it seems, so i HAVE to get over this. it's extremely difficult. we have a baby. i can't be immature and just say to hell with him, even though i want to sometimes. but i don't want us to have a hostile relationship. i still want him back, desperately, and i can't help but feel i messed up and lost the best relationship i ever had. i don't want to lose him. it makes me sick just thinking of the day i find out he's dating or has feelings for someone else.

so please, anything anybody can help me with is welcome, even if it's to criticize me. i know i need to work on myself too, it's not all his fault. i just find it not fair that he's making this decision that's going to affect all of our lives like this. we've said before that we don't want our son growing up in a broken home and i still believe that. i think he's resigned to it already, it makes me so upset.

i need help :(

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