How do I move on from a terrible situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2013
How do I move on from a terrible situation?
4
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:53pm

I dated the same person for seven years. We started dating when we were both young, I was 20 and he was 22. Our relationship was "good" in the sense that we were best friends, hardly ever argued, etc. I could go on about how "great" our relationship was, but it doesn't matter anymore, because it wasn't great, I just miss the good times we shared, because there were many, and the person I *wanted* him to be, I think. He was very lazy, was still in college at 29 years old (not that there's anything wrong with that, but he wouldn't get a job and chose to live off student loans), I had to remind him every month for the rent, I usually paid for everything. He just acted like a child and treated me like his mom. He was always honest with me, a great friend and family member, but he didn't afford me the same kindness he did to his friends and family. I remember I had just moved to a new city (his hometown area) and I had a flat tire at 11PM on the side of the highway. I knew how to change and tire but I was having trouble and didn't have a flashlight. He would not leave the bar with his friends to come help me and said, "You're a big girl, you can change a tire." Other times he was so kind and caring toward me that I overlooked the disappointment I felt in certain situations. But I've come to realize we were together so long becaus I made it easy for him. I took care of all the responsibilities, didn't require anything from him, really. He was in the relationship because he didn't have to change or compromise at all. 

Anyway, we have been broken up for about five months now. It was not a clean break, though. We lived together and our lease isn't up until next week. Two weeks after we broke up, I left to go work back in my home state (1200 miles away) for tax season. It seemed like the right decision because we wouldn't have to see each other or break the lease, etc. Before I left, he told me he loved me and that he wished the best for me, that he just wanted me to be happy. I said the same to him. I told him to mail me his half of the rent, and he said he would. He never did. I couldn't bring myself to chase him down for it, because I don't care about the money. I just wanted to see if he'd do the right thing, and he didn't. He lived in our/my (it's in my name only) apartment rent-free for four months. I assumed he moved out long ago, but when I was on my way back to the apartment last week after months away, he sent me a text (first time since February) saying he was moving out the next day. I just said, "I assumed you were long gone by now, but thanks for the heads up." When I got to the apartment, he had already taken it upon himself to put all of my things in boxes. At first I was appreciative, but over the next few days (he was already gone, and I never saw him), I noticed things of mine were missing. Things that are of no monetary value at all, but sentimental things or knickknack stuff that I bought over the years, that I know he liked, but he knew full well it belonged to me. For example, a poster that hung on the wall, that he took down and left with. It's not like it could've just gotten accidentally taken. He took it down, he stole it. Things he got me for my birthday last year that were decorative, he took them. Everything he left me with were things I knew he had no interest in or didn't like. He took lamps that I bought from the thrift store that were so cheap, and I would've thrown them away if he hadn't taken them, but I bought them on my own, without him even being there, without his money. In what world would someone think those belonged to him instead of me? 

Before I make the impression that I am being nit-picky and just want to stick it to him, it's not like that. I know we lived together for a long time and things get mixed up along the way, but iI find it funny he left me nothing of his that could have been construed as "ours." He took every single thing that belonged to him, and my things too. He left the apartment dirty, didn't bother to clean the kitchen, the bathroom, or anything else. He did leave me a vacuum though, for me to use, of course. 

I don't care about the stuff. I can always buy new things. However, he did take (whether intentionally or not) a few of my mom's vinyl records that are of a lot of importance to her, so I took that as an opportunity to fire off this scathing email to him, basically calling him a thief. I told him that being too lazy to separate our things and instead just taking everything is considered stealing. That I was so angry that he's reduced me to someone fighting for meaningless possessions, but I'm not going to let him just pick over my things, take what he wants, and decorate his new apartment for years to come with things that belong to me. I told him that despite the fact we broke up, I thought he cared enough about me to do the right thing, but now I've come to find out he didn't even care enough about me not to steal from me. I asked him to please give my belongings to his mom and that I'd get them from her.

All of that I just wrote is just writing. None of it matters. We broke up and he chose to do something so unforgiveable that there is no chance of reconciliation or friendship in the future. I think that is a blessing in disguise, actually. But the fact we've technically been broken up for five months (with maybe once every other month communication, initiated by me, or by him if he wants something) and that I still feel like our "good times" were yesterday, it makes me worry that I'm never going to be able to move on. We got along so well and I always thought he was my soulmate, even though my rational side of me says no soulmate would ever do some of the stuff he did, leaving your girlfriend high and dry on numerous occasions. But now I'm hurt, livid, and I hate that he got to walk out of the apartment, out of our relationship scott-free, while I'm sitting here literally scrubbing the floor and cleaning up his mess. I was certainly no angel in our relationship and I had my share of flaws, but I would never, ever leave him holding the bag like this.

In the email I sent him, I told him I wished to have no further communication with him ever again. I blocked his number, filtered his email address so any communication goes straight to the trash. I know he wouldn't ever talk to me again, because his ego/pride is too big for him to apologize for doing something so messed up, but I want to make sure I don't talk to him either. Now I just need to find out how to get over this complete betrayal and reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person who stole from me and treated me like a maid. I am highly considering going to a therapist to try to understand why I stayed in a basically platonic relationship for years and let someone walk all over me when it comes to being irresponsible. At this point, though, I just feel like I still love him, miss him, even want to be with him, which is so pathetic, I can't even believe I feel that way. But I do know better than to ever get sucked back in, if that would ever be a possibility. I just want to move on and be happy and not worry about him anymore. When you treat someone like your own child and take care of them for years on end, do you ever get over the fact they aren't in your life anymore? Even if they completely effed you over in the end? Right now I feel like I'll never get over it, and I just need some encouragement.

Thanks for reading this lengthy post. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2013
Tue, 11-19-2013 - 11:11pm

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to post an update on my situation. It has been almost a year to the day since we officially broke up, and while it can still be difficult some days, I have really sought to better my life on a daily basis and just move on from being angry, hurt, upset, etc. I had a very big setback in August, when I was going through a rough time at work (new job), had no real friends around (new city), and was going through some medical issues. I finally broke town and texted him that I missed him. I know. I ask myself every day how I could think so little of myself that I would even want to speak to someone who treated me so badly. He did write back and say he missed me as well, but that he didn't think it was a good idea to pursue anything. I was really sad, but four months later, as I write this, I am so happy he said that. I didn't want to get sucked back into something so toxic. I was just lonely, sad, and weak. For the past four months, I have done so much better with my job, I am healthier, and I have made friends at work and outside of work. I finally started getting some hobbies. I am terrified of flying, so I decided to face my fears and take flying lessons the last few weeks. My flight instructor asked me on a date, and I said yes :) It is nice to just smile again and have fun. 

I just want to tell people who are going through the same thing to hang on. It DOES get better. It takes a long time. Like I said, I still have bad days, but the good days outweigh the bad much more now. If you are going through a breakup that you know is for the best, don't go back just because you don't think you can get through the pain of being without that person and alone. If I can do it, anyone can. I now have my own apartment, friends, career, hobbies, goals, etc. You will have all of those things too. Just give it time. Don't break no contact because it's only a fleeting gratification. I went almost 9 months without initiating contact (except to fire off that email), but erased all my progress in an instant back in August. Definitely DON'T do that. You will beat yourself up about it and it's not worth it. Call a friend, go get a drink, do anything to take your mind off of it. Be strong!

Hope this helps someone else. It will get better! :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2013
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 12:12am
Thank you both for your replies. I definitely am more mad at myself than I am at him, which is saying a lot, because I'm absolutely furious with him. I'm just so genuinely disappointed that these are his true colors. I knew he was lazy, I knew he was a jerk, but I didn't expect him to be a thief. I am definitely going to start therapy, because I really feel all this pent up anger, sadness and betrayal. I also want to learn what a healthy relationship actually consists of. We were more like BFF roomies for so many years, rarely slept together, because of the fact I looked at him like a kid. And yes, kendahke, you are so right about never treating a man like your kid, because I certainly got treated like his mom but without the respect he had for her. It was just "What can you do for me?" Etc. etc. It's so sad. But in the end, I have no one to blame but myself. I am going to just try to put this really unfortunate situation behind me and move on. I did speak with his mom, who said she would personally make sure my items are located and returned. I appreciate the support :)
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 7:18pm

rualumni11 wrote:
<p>I dated the same person for seven years. We started dating when we were both young, I was 20 and he was 22. Our relationship was "good" in the sense that we were best friends, hardly ever argued, etc. I could go on about how "great" our relationship was, but it doesn't matter anymore, because it wasn't great, I just miss the good times we shared, because there were many, and the person I *wanted* him to be, I think. He was very lazy, was still in college at 29 years old (not that there's anything wrong with that, but he wouldn't get a job and chose to live off student loans), I had to remind him every month for the rent, I usually paid for everything. He just acted like a child and treated me like his mom. He was always honest with me, a great friend and family member, but he didn't afford me the same kindness he did to his friends and family. I remember I had just moved to a new city (his hometown area) and I had a flat tire at 11PM on the side of the highway. I knew how to change and tire but I was having trouble and didn't have a flashlight. He would not leave the bar with his friends to come help me and said, "You're a big girl, you can change a tire." Other times he was so kind and caring toward me that I overlooked the disappointment I felt in certain situations. But I've come to realize we were together so long becaus I made it easy for him. I took care of all the responsibilities, didn't require anything from him, really. He was in the relationship because he didn't have to change or compromise at all. </p><p>Anyway, we have been broken up for about five months now. It was not a clean break, though. We lived together and our lease isn't up until next week. Two weeks after we broke up, I left to go work back in my home state (1200 miles away) for tax season. It seemed like the right decision because we wouldn't have to see each other or break the lease, etc. Before I left, he told me he loved me and that he wished the best for me, that he just wanted me to be happy. I said the same to him. I told him to mail me his half of the rent, and he said he would. He never did. I couldn't bring myself to chase him down for it, because I don't care about the money. I just wanted to see if he'd do the right thing, and he didn't. He lived in our/my (it's in my name only) apartment rent-free for four months. I assumed he moved out long ago, but when I was on my way back to the apartment last week after months away, he sent me a text (first time since February) saying he was moving out the next day. I just said, "I assumed you were long gone by now, but thanks for the heads up." When I got to the apartment, he had already taken it upon himself to put all of my things in boxes. At first I was appreciative, but over the next few days (he was already gone, and I never saw him), I noticed things of mine were missing. Things that are of no monetary value at all, but sentimental things or knickknack stuff that I bought over the years, that I know he liked, but he knew full well it belonged to me. For example, a poster that hung on the wall, that he took down and left with. It's not like it could've just gotten accidentally taken. He took it down, he stole it. Things he got me for my birthday last year that were decorative, he took them. Everything he left me with were things I knew he had no interest in or didn't like. He took lamps that I bought from the thrift store that were so cheap, and I would've thrown them away if he hadn't taken them, but I bought them on my own, without him even being there, without his money. In what world would someone think those belonged to him instead of me? </p><p>Before I make the impression that I am being nit-picky and just want to stick it to him, it's not like that. I know we lived together for a long time and things get mixed up along the way, but iI find it funny he left me nothing of his that could have been construed as "ours." He took every single thing that belonged to him, and my things too. He left the apartment dirty, didn't bother to clean the kitchen, the bathroom, or anything else. He did leave me a vacuum though, for me to use, of course. </p><p>I don't care about the stuff. I can always buy new things. However, he did take (whether intentionally or not) a few of my mom's vinyl records that are of a lot of importance to her, so I took that as an opportunity to fire off this scathing email to him, basically calling him a thief. I told him that being too lazy to separate our things and instead just taking everything is considered stealing. That I was so angry that he's reduced me to someone fighting for meaningless possessions, but I'm not going to let him just pick over my things, take what he wants, and decorate his new apartment for years to come with things that belong to me. I told him that despite the fact we broke up, I thought he cared enough about me to do the right thing, but now I've come to find out he didn't even care enough about me not to steal from me. I asked him to please give my belongings to his mom and that I'd get them from her.</p><p>All of that I just wrote is just writing. None of it matters. We broke up and he chose to do something so unforgiveable that there is no chance of reconciliation or friendship in the future. I think that is a blessing in disguise, actually. But the fact we've technically been broken up for five months (with maybe once every other month communication, initiated by me, or by him if he wants something) and that I still feel like our "good times" were yesterday, it makes me worry that I'm never going to be able to move on. We got along so well and I always thought he was my soulmate, even though my rational side of me says no soulmate would ever do some of the stuff he did, leaving your girlfriend high and dry on numerous occasions. But now I'm hurt, livid, and I hate that he got to walk out of the apartment, out of our relationship scott-free, while I'm sitting here literally scrubbing the floor and cleaning up his mess. I was certainly no angel in our relationship and I had my share of flaws, but I would never, ever leave him holding the bag like this.</p><p>In the email I sent him, I told him I wished to have no further communication with him ever again. I blocked his number, filtered his email address so any communication goes straight to the trash. I know he wouldn't ever talk to me again, because his ego/pride is too big for him to apologize for doing something so messed up, but I want to make sure I don't talk to him either. Now I just need to find out how to get over this complete betrayal and reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person who stole from me and treated me like a maid. I am highly considering going to a therapist to try to understand why I stayed in a basically platonic relationship for years and let someone walk all over me when it comes to being irresponsible. At this point, though, I just feel like I still love him, miss him, even want to be with him, which is so pathetic, I can't even believe I feel that way. But I do know better than to ever get sucked back in, if that would ever be a possibility. I just want to move on and be happy and not worry about him anymore. When you treat someone like your own child and take care of them for years on end, do you ever get over the fact they aren't in your life anymore? Even if they completely effed you over in the end? Right now I feel like I'll never get over it, and I just need some encouragement.</p><p>Thanks for reading this lengthy post. </p>

OMG--if you were my child and I'd heard that this guy, this "friend", told you "your'e a big girl, you can change a tire", I would have totally gone goon on him. I'd have hunted him down and beaten his behind for that.

Do you now have AAA road side assistance?  If not, get it!!!  No woman should be without that. AAA dot com. Please say you'll look into it if you don't have it!!

Right then and there was when he needed to be dropped on his head and left to deal with the circling birdies.

I think your suggestion about the therapist is a good idea.  Your intentions were honorable, but in the end, you were his enabler and it enabled him to live the life of a pathetic freeloader who didn't care who he jacked over to "get his".  That he basically stole 5 months of rent from you, didn't bother to clean the apartment, except for the items he cleaned you out of, speaks to the lack of integrity this guy has. 

You're going to have to make peace with the loss of the money.  Your mother's property, though, he must return--it wasn't his to take in the first place and the rightful owner wants it back.  But considering the condition of your place when he left it, dont' be surprised if the records are broken, scratched, etc.  He sounds quite vindictive on top of being a thief, a jerk and an irresponsible boy.

In the future, do not ever treat a grown man like a child because they will turn you into their mother and treat you worse than their mother.  These feelings you're wrestling with will pass with time and therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 4:07pm

I think therapy will be helpful and yes, you will get over it.  I mean you were together for 7 yrs and only broken up for a few months and then it was hardly a breakup, more like a sneaking away so you didn't get the satisfaction of actually telling him that you wanted to break up.  I think if I were you, I might want to take him to small claims court for his share of the rent too--why should he get away with that?  But maybe that would just prolong things.  I think part of this is also you being angry at yourself for putting up with a bad situation for too long--but at least you did get out of it.