How do I show I love him w/o pushingaway

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
How do I show I love him w/o pushingaway
4
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:38pm

Ok, I'm going to try on here and see what kind of answers I get. I'm not having many responses on the Surviving Divorce board; I guess because I'm not divorced, and definately don't want to be.

Last year my husband didn't have a job, and that was partly because we had to relocate for my new teaching job since I couldn't find a job where we were currently living. So we moved back to where we're from, and out of the college town. He had a hard time finding ajob, but had unemployment for a few months which was the same as working min. wage. Things were rough, and he got depressed for a while, but I felt like we had become closer than ever. But then after he and I talked for over an hour on Friday night, I started to see things differently.

During this morning, and all last night, I was feeling really guilty for things that I have done. I realized that I never said that I appreciated him taking care of things at home last year while he wasn't working. All I did was criticize and become lazy and take care of school work which he sometimes helped me with. I never expressed any gratitude, I took advantage. I was tempted to send him an email apologizing for not appreciating him. But then I read your post and it changed my outlook on things. I feel like he took advantage of me too, by not getting out of the house to find a job. But then he did so much for me (cooking breakfast and dinner, prepared my lunches, ironed for me, cleaned, ran errands, did the grocery shopping, laundry), and I still feel guilty. I'm stuck in the middle. I know apologizing to him right now probably won't change anything on his part; it's not like the feelings are going to instantly return. But I don't know if I should reach out and say something. I don't want to push him away, or make him angry or annoyed. I want him to know I love him, and I want to show him that, but I am confused as to how to do that. Do I tell him now? Do I wait? I want to do so many little things to show him that I do care, but I'm afraid of making things worse. I already sent him an email last night with some pictures of our cats (we've had the oldest one since our 3rd year of marriage) because he asked about them the other night. I haven't received a response yet, but he's at class tonight. He probably won't respond, and that makes me sad because I was just trying to be nice. I want to send him little love notes like we used to when we dated and were first married, but I'm afraid. I want to send him a little study package or basket to encourage him to study hard for school. I even looked up one of our favorite bands and saw that they have a concert next month near us, and I thought about buying him two tickets and letting him have both tickets just to be nice.

But I don't know how he will take it. I don't think he wants me to do those things. I feel he just wants me to leave him alone, but then he says that I can call him or email him whenever I want. So I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I just want to show him and tell him how much he means to me, and how much I appreciate him. I don't want to make it worse though.

I made a counseling appt. for me today for March 8th. I wish it was sooner. I'm going to try the other two places I called again tomorrow and see if I can get in touch with anyone. I wish he would go with me eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:33pm

By now I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, and that's ok, I'll tell you anyway because I really hate to see marriages go down the drain when a change in attitude and a change in outlook can save an otherwise good marriage.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 10:12pm

You are definately someone I want to hear from. I need to hear other's opinions right now since I really can't decide what to do, and what is going to make him run. The hand written letter is an excellent idea. I teach language arts (lots of writing) so I love to write but I don't often. My students are taking state tests this week, so the school is shut down, meaning no lessons, no changing classes, nothing. We are silent in the same room all week. Teachers can't do anything but read, grade, and stare at the kids. So when I get tired of reading my "fix your marriage books" tomorrow, I can work on composing that first draft as long as I don't cry. I have asked him to think about getting together over spring break in 3 weeks for lunch or something. I can wait until then to give him the letter, and if he doesn't want to meet, I can mail it to him and hope that he'll want to meet afterwards.

I know, I know, don't get my hopes up. But it's hard. I want nothing more than to see his truck waiting in the parking lot when I get home, but that's not happening any time soon.

As far as the other ideas I had, they are all just ideas. I'm trying to figure out where to start. Thank you for suggesting what to do, and how to go about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:29pm

Hi mberber,


I agree about the handwritten letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:44pm
I'll have to add that one to my ever growing list and stack of books to read. But, I am learning a lot. Thanks!