How Do I Stop Feeling This Way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
How Do I Stop Feeling This Way?
3
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 4:46pm
Hi - my name is Sarah and I am somewhat of a lurker who has finally found enough energy to even ask a question. To sum up my relationship dilemma - I married a guy a little over a year ago who I knew was wrong for me, but I totally hoped he would change. Ryan and I fell totally in love and after a terrible first marriage I thought all of my dreams had finally come true. Six months into the relationship I realized that Ryan was totally addicted to pot and had some on again off again depression issues. On top of that he was of the "victim" mentality and started finding it hard to hold a job because everyone had it out for him. Though we argued much he told me he had totally quit smoking weed and he got a really great job working for my sis-in-laws dad. About a year later we got married and as soon as we got back from Vegas he changed. He quit his job one month after getting married and it became quite apparent he had never stopped smoking weed. I am pretty sure I knew all of this but was so in denial. We seperated shortly thereafter but I found out I was pregnant with our son and took him back. My preg was terrible - he was a jerk most of the time and still was not bringing in any money but always found a way to smoke his weed. When I was 7 months pregnant I filed for divorce and kicked him out. We have been apart for 8 months now and our divorce was final in may - I just found out he has a girlfriend and I am totally crushed. WHY? He currently lives in a travel trailer in his parents back yard, is unemployed, and his new girlfriend is reportedly a pothead like himself. WHY DO I CARE? Up until I called him out on this girl he was still professing his undying love for me and swearing he was changing and begging me to take him back. Am I just hurt because I thought he would change or because he moved on first? How do I stop obsessing over this? To make matters worse I have sole custody of our son due to the drug issues and now he expects me to just let him take the baby for visits. I have only allowed supervised visitation at his parents house on the rare occasion he has requested it and now I have to worry about him bringing his girlfriend around our baby. His parents are nice but love their son and totally fall for his lines of crap about "starting fresh" etc. His mom states she will do everything in her power to not let him bring his new girlfriend around our son until his relationship is more established but I know if it came down to it she wouldnt stop him. The worst part of this is I am not like 17 - I am 28, a mother of three (two from my first marriage), a professional, and have strong moral values/character. How did I ever get this entrenched in this guy and how the hell do I get out? I know for my son's sake I need to be an adult here and let him see his other family but I am so stressed about all of this. Any thoughts from anyone would be appreciated! Thanks so much for just listening.
Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:48pm

Welcome to the board nursemomtothree,


Everything you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:46pm

OMG--this sounds so similar to not my most recent ex, but the one before (the one that MOST LIKELY left me with the baggage that played my role in this most recent breakup - the jerk!).

I went to one of the top universities in the country, moved to NYC to start my career, I had everything going for me, but I was also single for the 1st time in my life (I'm a serial monogomous). I met this amazingly handsome and charismatic former Marine who worked at my bank. I don't know how it happened, maybe I wanted to pretend I was an adult (?) but 6 wks later and we were moving in together.

Everything had been so wonderful in the beginning, and setting up our apt was so cute. About 1 month into living together I realized he smoked weed (of which I'm not a fan), then about 2 months in I realized he smoked it every day, first thing when he got home from work. We'd argue about it and he promised to quit for New Years (less than 2 months away). Of course New Years came and went, January, February...he was smoking just as much if not more. He never had enough money for anything, we NEVER went out anywhere, and I was constantly fronting him $$ for rent, bills etc. but like your ex, he ALWAYS had money for weed.

Then suddenly one day he just up and quit his job, no sort of backup plan. I was the one scrambling around, created his resume (a tough job since he'd completed less than 2yrs of college but wanted to dress up and work in an office like me), set up a job search email address, I was the one sending things out, applying for positions, scheduling interviews. I'd get up and go to work, spend every free min trying to get him employed - he slept in, smoked weed and borrowed more money. I don't know how I let things get this way or what made enough enough but I finally told him I wanted him out. THEN HE REFUSED TO LEAVE! THings got bad for the next 2 months arguing all the time, and then when we both finally moved out and were trying to start over, somehow I ended up missing him and feeling so terrible that it was over. It took me months and months to get over it (dragged out probably because I found out while we lived together but were no longer together that he'd stolen $800 from me months earlier - as if I wasn't lending him already any amount he asked for - and we were in touch while he slowly paid it ALL back). I don't think I did get over it until I met someone new who was so wonderful and fair and treated me well. Unforunately, things didn't work out, and I hate thinking about my share of the blame and issues I wish I could have resolved before we'd met.

That of course wasn't the only problem with my most recent relationship, but I hope you don't make the same mistake I did in dragging along unresolved issues and insecurities from your past relationship into the next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:56pm
Glad to hear I am not the only one who has experienced this type of situation - which was so obviously wrong, but still really hurt to stop. I really do not want to bring any baggage into my next relationship as it seems the last couple have been that way. I had real insecurities in my last relationship about my ex having "girl" friends because my first husband had cheated on me and lied all the time. That is part of what made it so hard that my ex kept lying to me about the weed - it was almost like it was another woman - he always seemed to pick it over me and my children. I am reading a really great book right now called "Secrets Of An Irresistable Woman - Smart Rules For Capturing His Heart" by Michelle McKinney Hammond. It is a book about how God created woman to be and what principles we must live by in order to love ourselves and our Creator first - if you straighten your own life out and know how God wanted us to be treated you will stop attracting the wrong type of guy and when you aren't even looking Mr.Right will show up. I am a nurse - a caretaker by heart and I attract men who want someone to pay attention to them and take care of them. That would be great if they were giving anything in return, but they never seem to. That is because a strong man will treat a woman with respect and love and concern and as the Bible says man is to love the woman sacrificially - he is to take care of her as he would take care of himself. Now I am not a super religious person, but it all makes sense to me. I encourage everyone to read this book.