How do they feel when we emote?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
How do they feel when we emote?
6
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 7:23am

My recent ex of 3+ years is in town. We split 3+ weeks ago on the phone from a LD relationship. He wanted sex and has started a fling. He came to town Friday and we have spent a lot of time talking and processing things. We are both hurting but accept the end. For me, I have more tears and are more a mess. I know it's not about him soley but old crap from other relationships. I am deeply upset about this break up with old stuff and as I have already shared here, obssess about her.

I try and create boundaries and NOT ask about her. I think we have said all we can say. When he returns home Sat. I will not see him until Easter which is probably good. We will not have contact and he accepts it.

The question I have is my tears. I am crying constantly. He seems more in control and has less emotions. Men and others who can share, how do they feel when we emote so much? Is it best I fight these tears and have a facade of strength? What should I do? I will see him a few more times before he heads home. We have some things to put closure on still...and I am also having a hard time fully letting go whilst he is here. Sigh..

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 3:25pm

wannaheal...

It's just Pianoguy's 2 cents....but when a man sees a woman cry, he can respond in various ways:

1. He can feel sympathy and try to console her WITHOUT changing his feelings.
2. He can feel sympathy to the point where he reconsiders his feelings and reconcile.
3. He can chalk this up as a "feminine tactic" that automatically kicks in and TUNE THE TEARS OUT!
4. He can simply say: "I'll check back with you after you've composed yourself" and then he'll immediately leave....(or end a phone conversation abruptly).

What puzzles me is this? Knowing that there's never going to be anything PERMANENT between you....why do you constantly want to keep seeing this dodo bird?

It's kind of like bending over and saying: "KICK ME"...again and again and again!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 4:02pm

Well said PG and very true!

I think sometimes (of all reasons PG provided and maybe more) we tend to get hung up on the word "reconcile". Initially, we want that so of course this happens. This, for the most part, is the rare exception and it's most likely one of the other reasons that PG has on his list that is true.

In vulnerable times we lack some of the objectivity that we are used to having (hence being vulnerable)...I ask you...What would you tell your girlfriend if she came to you for advice...think about that while keeping your personal experience out of it and her well being at hand.

Take a step back. Remind yourself that it is perfectly normal to go through what you are. You have invested time. Now is your time to re-invest in yourself!

One of the reasons why I love this (and other boards) is it filled with a great group of peope with different experiences who can identify...give advice...offer support.

Take care,
S~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 7:25pm

Hello PG,

So many life stories so I know its hard to figure out who's who. My ex and I split. I do not want him back. Am just grieving, pissed, sad and joyful all at the same time and looking at the break up from all angles. We split in the phone as we had a LD at times. I have seen him twice since he came to my city for holiday. There is no turning back or reconcilation. In fact, quite the opposite. Never again. He is a nice guy but it's over.

I just wanted a male perspective. Thanks for yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 10:25pm
wannaheal,
I just wanted to respond to your post about crying, because I cry a whole hell of a lot when I'm upset, and it's sometimes hard for me to control it. My general feeling is this: if your ex is mature and he cares about you (and it sounds like he does, because he was honest with you), then he will understand about you being emotional. I think it's okay-- better yet, it's a sign that the relationship meant a lot to you, and in that way, it's an honorable thing (if that makes sense). I know that some would say to act strong and not seem like you're upset, but I don't think that's necessarily the better way to go. Like you said, you're not trying to reconcile, and there's no need for playing games. When I show someone how I'm feeling, I actually end up feeling stronger, rather than more vulnerable. I think that a good guy will respect it, even if he doesn't show his emotions in the same way.
I hope that each day finds you feeling better...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 7:10am
Yes, tears do not embarass me..it's who I am and how I emote. But since he has another woman for whatever it is, I feel some sense of pride and often wonder how men view their ex who is literally falling apart some days. Sigh...a few more days and he leaves and I can breath and will have no choice by No Contact. Until April. That's plenty of time to move on. Boundaries and breathe..my mantra..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:51pm
i think the worst thing you could do for your healing is to fight the tears. you have to feel it and you have to go with it. some, if not many may disagree but tears are natural, it's a cause of how we feel, how can you fight it? no one likes to cry(although sometimes it does feel like a relief after), but it's apart of healing. especially because your break up was so recent, i think it's important to cry and let it all out...when you are ready, maybe look at the issues around the crying...what was it about the break up that has left you feeling the way you do, it could be something much deeper than what you already think or the obvious...only then i believe the tears will stop. like i've quoted before..."our emotions are the pathways to our souls.." and one of my fav quotes which by the way i have written on a sticky note and stuck it right on my computer screen at work, which one of the other posters on here has quoted.."The only way out is through".