how do you b/u with someone who...
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| Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:09pm |
I've been with my boyfriend only 6 months, but it's been an intense six months; things between us moved extremely quickly and he was living with me after just 2 and a half weeks.
Because of financial difficulties, and largely due to lack of my own personal space, I've asked him to move out. This was in the beginning of October, and he is has not left yet. He's looking for a place, but cannot find one affordable or big enough for him and his son (whom he has custody of). Originally he was supposed to move out Nov.1, then it got moved to Nov. 15, then now, it looks like he wont be out until dec. 1
I told him from the start that him moving out doesn't mean that we're breaking up. I originally didn't want to break up at all and was very afraid of the possibility, but now, I'm almost hoping that by natural circumstances when he leaves, it'll happen.
In the beginning, I was fine with him moving in quick, and I was fine with taking on the new step-mom type of role to his infant son. We've talked about marriage and I could easily seeing myself marrying him, and if it wasn't for such tight money troubles, he would've already bought me a ring... I know that he is planning/hoping to propose this Christmas, on my birthday (dec. 26)
My feelings about all of this have changed though. I'm getting so overwhelmed with his son around; I get resentful when I find another possesion of mine broken/stained/ruined, I'm really starting to feel unsure of whether or not I want to be in a relationship at all... with *anyone*. I'm still quite young (early twenties), am beginning to get more focused on my career, and just wanting time to *myself* without having to worry about anyone else but me. It feels like forever that I've been yearning to come home to *my* mess and just do whatever I want when I get home from work. Sounds selfish, and people have been telling me that it's okay to be selfish when it comes to making yourself happy, but I feel so awful about it.
I've been telling him that I'm hoping that our seperation will only bring us together stronger, b/c the relationship will be only focused on US, instead of "how are we going to get milk for ...." "we don't have laundry money this week" "how am I going to get to work, we have no bus tickets".... and so on and so on. And part of me does hope it'll make us stronger... but the other part, and I think it's the most part, wants it to break us up; put distance between us to the point where we're used to our lives without each other so much in it, and it just happens that way.
I got the courage yesterday to say closer to how I feel; i told him that I'm unsure of how much I really want to be in a relationship at all; not because of him, but b/c I just want to be by myself... he didn't take it well.
He's so afraid to lose me. I know he's had a real hard time before me; with the mother of his child walking out on them, and other past relationships gone terribly wrong, and it hurts me so much to do it to him again. He's been getting very depressed about having to move out, not having much money, and trying to find a close enough daycare to put his son in so he can work, and on top of it, i'm adding this...
He cried to me last night, and the night before, that with me is the only place he feels he belongs, he can't imagine living without me, and that he's never loved anybody so much. He's not very close with his family, and he doesn't have any friends, and I'm basically the only one he really has (besides his son of course).
So how do you b/u with someone who, has their entire heart and soul devoted to you, who loves you to death, but you just don't quite feel the same way as much anymore... ???
I dont know what to do or how to do it. Please help. Thank you.

Make the December 1 deadline FIRM. You've given him more than enough time, and he is taking advantage of your kind nature. Communicate to him that there will be no more extensions beyond December 1, and follow through (which may involve changing the locks if it comes to that). He's going to have to take whatever he can find in terms of living space, even if it's not ideal at this point.
If it helps, think of it in terms of being cruel to be kind...you wouldn't want someone who didn't love you the same way you loved him to drag things on, would you?
Good luck, and keep us posted on how you're doing.
Sheri