How do you forgive yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
How do you forgive yourself?
2
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 8:11pm

I'm struggling to understand how I can forgive myself for behaving so badly that I hurt my BF's feelings over and over again over the past 2 months that he no longer wants me in his life. He's hurting big time and he's angry at me - for good reason.

I didn't cheat, but I was indifferent to his needs. He called, wrote emails, sent cards, flowers, etc for 5 months and did everything a wonderful boyfriend should do. I pay him back by not writing anymore after 2 months, yelling at him when he asks for a letter, nagging him about a problem I had with him in the past and basically beating him up b/c I stopped wanting to reciprocate. I still love him and want to be with him. I think he's the man I'm supposed to marry! But, I do'nt think it's right that I was rude to him and basically kept hurting his feelings.

I have a hard time sleeping at night thinking about what I did and I have a hard time looking myself in the mirror b/c no sane or truly loving woman would do this to a man she loves. I isolated myself from him emotionally and ended up disconnecting from his needs - even after he told me....I could not process that I need to send him an email telling him I love him. I need to stop being defensive. I should have flown down to see him during his absence and not given work and school higher priority than him.

It's so painful to see now what I did to him emotioanlly. I hate myself and sometimes think it's better that I'm not even around to be such an awful person. What kind of woman does this to her man? I knew better, so why didn't I do better and treat him right like the king he deserves to be??

When I do stop feeling like an awful person? When will I have atoned for my sins and made the world right again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:37pm
Take a deep breath!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 7:30am

I feel so guilty because all I want is to be back by his side making him happy. I've never lost my emotions like this and been such a first class b-ch. I talked to my brother last night and he kept telling me to get a hold of my emotions - I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop feeling guilty...He advised me to write a list of things I did right and things I did wrong - and be HONEST about them. THen for what I did wrong in the relationship, to admit and own up, to be accountable. But once I send that list of wrong things to my ex, to be over with it. Let the guilt and baggage go then.
I was still freaking out b/c I didn't know why I was so emotional (angry, sad, scared, etc) until he broke the news that he and my sister-in-law are moving to another country at the end of the year. I started bawling and panicking again. And that's when I had a little bit of a breakthrough....

I have a genuine fear of abandonment. Of being left out or excluded. That my attention towards my boyfriend during his absence waned/petered out b/c the longer he was away, the more I felt lonely and abandoned. While other women would see the letters and phone calls as a way of reaffirming his presence, I interpreted them to be reminders of his absence - of my sense of loss and being left out. So it became important to get super busy and "pretend" that I didn't have time, that I should be allowed to show my appreciation my way and not his way. Yes - all that is going into my letter to the ex as well. It's very scary to think that after 3.5 years I still felt like he would abandon me. And as a military man, he will be deployed for a year or more at a time. I would need to see a counselor consistently and really need a super strong support network of other military wives/partners to get through and to be strong. I would have custody of his son during his absence (That is IF we were to actually have another chance) and I know that would help me be strong and dedicated.

I never thought of myself as so "needy" until someone came along and gave me everything I could ask for in a relationship. And now I realize that I do need those validations and tokens of appreciation. That I need him to be right there by me and not off in some distant land (no matter how noble his duty). UGH - and this is all related to my father's absence when I was growing up....how I hated seeing him go away for so long and feeling that I missed out on so much as a child. I want a man who will be there for me and be there to hold my hand and raise our child together.

Wow - talk about baggage I need to let go of. I've never ever felt this way and been so in touch w/ deepseeded emotions and issues. Maybe that's what I needed - that's one of the reasons God brought John into my life?? Not sure WHY God wants this relationship to end, but at least I know why I made some of the decisions I did.....And now I need to learn how to change them....if not for John, for the next man I fall in love with.