How do you get over a CP?

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Registered: 03-13-2004
How do you get over a CP?
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Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:36am
My X is a classic commitment phobe. We moved in together after 6 months (at this point he had already managed to break up with me once). Three months into living together, he did it again, saying the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you". One day later, he changed his mind and like a fool, I took him back. 10 days later he did the same thing so I moved out. He wanted to continue seeing eachother but slowing down, living apart. At the time, I also lost my job and couldn’t deal with it so I told him to leave me alone, it’s over. We went 2 weeks of NC and I broke down and called. He said he’d thought about me and missed me every day and wanted to try to work it out between us. Believe me, it took every ounce of energy and hope I could muster to give it a THIRD chance. But.....he sounded so sincere and I was, still am, so in love with him I didn't listen to my friends and family (both his and mine). He promised me he'd see a therapist, he promised to change, he knew it would be a long hard road for me to be able to trust him but he said he was willing to make the effort because he loved me and wanted to be with me.

Well, that lasted 7 days :( The day it happened, we talked on IM and I could feel him pulling away- I've been through it before. I asked him flat out if he changed his mind again and he said no. I told him I really hadn't seen an effort from him; no appointment was made to see a therapist and his scheduled had been too busy to fit me in, we only saw each other twice that week. He gave me a lot of excuses about this being a crazy busy week but not worry; it was just a bad week. He said he still loved me, he wanted us to be together and that "next week will be better- I promise".

That same night he called me, was very short. I asked if he could tell me we were ok and he said he couldn't. He said it's not exactly like he's going out of his way to see me and work on the relationship and that frankly, he wasn't even missing me. Weird, the week before he missed me all the time during our NC and now when he had me, he didn't think about me at all. He said he just didn't think he loved me enough to put so much effort into it and that it "just wasn't there for him anymore".

Granted, I got VERY angry. I asked what the past week was all about, all the conversations we’d had on how to do this, how to make it work, what would need to change etc. His response was "big deal, we hung out twice, sorry for wasting another week of your life". It was like talking to a child, having to explain that it wasn’t about how much time we spent but the emotional involvement it took for me to give him another chance. It was like I had had those conversations myself and he couldn’t even acknowledge them. His response "what are you, the Army? I sign up with you and I'm stuck for life?”

At that point, I told him he was the biggest a**hole I'd ever met and to never contact me again. He forbid me to hang out with his friends and family and I said I didn’t take orders from him but if they told me they didn’t want to talk to me, I’d respect that. Well he was wrong because they all still call and hang out with me. We hung up the phone and that's it. I haven't heard from him since. We're now 3 weeks into NC and it's getting worse.

Saturday I went to a friend of mine’s party. I had introduced my X to the guy (they play softball at the same field and have run into each other at the field after I introduced them) but before I went to the party I asked my friend if he invited my X and he said no, of course not. Well we were there having a good time and one of my X’s friends called me and said my X was on the way to the party. So I did the mature thing and left the party, I knew nothing good would come out of it but couldn’t believe that he was going there. He should know I’d be there and sure enough, when I talked to my buddy the next day, he said my X had said “Yeah, I figured she’d be here”. So why the F*** would he go then???

Ever since then, I’m all torn up about this. My X comes on IM every single day and I know he only has me on this list. He’s told me in the past he comes on only to talk to me and that when we’re not speaking; it’s still comforting to see my name there. I haven’t gone on once in 3 weeks, but I’m in “appear offline” mode so I see him.

Isn’t it supposed to get easier with time? I mean 3 weeks of NC and with every day, the pain is more unbearable then the one before. I’ve read all the books about CP’s and although I understand what’s going on, it just doesn’t make it better for me.

I’m sorry about the long message, I just needed to vent. It was either this or caving in and calling him……




Edited 6/3/2004 11:16 am ET ET by sandrawede

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Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:58am
If you've read the books, I'm not sure if this will help. He's not in love with you. He's in love with the adrenaline rush of falling for someone, of fighting for a relationship, the chase. He wants a challenge, wants what he can't have, and DOES NOT WANT IT once he gets it. He's like this in many areas of his life, I'd bet - he spends weeks researching the perfect car, bargains it down in price like crazy, and immediately has profound buyer's remorse and soon thereafter loses interest in the car. That's an example, and I'd bet there are more - his job, his apartment, his possessions, etc. It's the wanting that he's interested in, the longing, the almost-attaining. He absolutely loses interest once he gets it.

So, this is hard to say, honey, but he doesn't love you in the way that you and I understand love. You're not *you* to him, you're an object, a challenge, then an obligation and a chore. You're an object, a thing, a possession, whatever. You are a representation, a symbol. He does not and never has seen you as a real person. And he is incapable of empathizing with you, he cannot understand your feelings or even that you have feelings, unless those are feelings that make him feel excited and valued and like a winner. He doesn't love you, he's never been interested in the real you. I did therapy for some commitment-phobic tendencies when I was in college (it may have been part immaturity at that point), and I've been with a commitment phobe. Here's the thing - in many ways, it's not that different from him being a stalker, he gets fixated on this representation of you and decides that obtaining that representation will make him feel better. But he's really a stranger to you, he doesn't know you that well and he doesn't want to know you. Here's an exercise - can he tell you where you were born, a couple of your favorite childhood memories, the name of your first pet? Did you ever have those conversations? Most people do in the early stages of a relationship. Even if you had them, does he remember them? Does he know you, the real you, deep down, the way people in love do?

I'd bet not, because he's never been interested in YOU, he's been interested in obtaining you. That's the difference when dealing with an extreme commitment phobe, and that's what your guy sounds like. This is hard to hear and to accept, but the back and forth, the loves-you one minute and runs away the next, it not just that he's cautious or distrustful of relationships. It's that he doesn't want to be intimate and involved with you as a person, he wants the status, the conquest, the benefits, whatever, but he is compulsively dissatisfied whenever the chase is over and he obtains the actual you, because that was never what he really wanted. It is a function of his low self-esteem, but that shouldn't matter to you. Commitment phobes like breaking up, having off and on relationships, and don't care if all that turmoil hurts you. Because they don't care about you, don't love you the way we all understand love, which is, at its core, empathetic. To help you get over him, realize that he doesn't love you and never has, not the way that you love him and the way you deserve to be loved. You were, in a very real sense, used all along, used to give him the thrill of the chase and the thrill of conquest, discarded when the disillusionment of attaining set in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:06pm
Hang in there!! It sounds like he really needs some growing up to do! He is confused and doesn't have a clue what a great person you are, and how you put your heart into it all. You know he is the one missing out, even though you miss him and the good times you guys had, he really isn't ready to handle being serious. Maybe if he gets miserable enough he will stop and realize???? But can you really trust him ever? You've changed through all of this too, and he probably isn't what you want anymore, but your mind still holds on to the what if he tried harder, or if he would just stop being childish. He might one day, but I wouldn't count on it. You are doing great to not talk to him, better than I did at first especially staying offline ( which i'm online now too thinking he might want to say something, and I totally don't need to be...working on that part) Very soon I think you will see you are better off, and somebody alittle more mature will notice you. Hold your head up! You deserve better! (thats what I tell myself...) :)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:07pm
I'm sorry for what you're going through. My last LTR was with a CP, and it took me *3 years* to get over him (it was a 4 year r'ship) because I kept allowing him to stay in contact with me and keep me hooked in to his ambivalence.

You need to read, re-read, and commit to memory Pages 316 to the end of "He's Scared, She's Scared". Basically, you get over a CP by making a decision that it's over and then sticking to it, no matter what. Remember, CPs can't do this...they can't even commit to the END of a r'ship!

Also, you're still having indirect contect with him by keeping him on your IM list, so that's keeping you hooked in. When you're ready to make the decision to move on, you'll take him off. Just realize that keeping him on the list is impeding your healing.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 5:23pm
Milton-

Thank you for taking time to respond to me. Although your advice is a hard pill to swallow, I do appreciate your candidness. I'm not here for sugar-coating and deep down, I know you're right. He never did seem interested in me and my life and my heritage etc once we moved in together. After the initial chase and once he knew I was hooked it seemed to always be about him. We spent all our time with his friends and not that I mind because I loved them and became very close to them, but every time there was an event with my friends, it was always a hassle. We'd argue about it, he didn't wanna go etc, eventually he'd always go but he made sure I knew he'd rather be somewhere else. After a while I just stopped suggesting doing anything with my friends and now afterwards that we've talked about it, he said "well there was never anything going on with your friends". Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

I have to disagree on one thing though. Although he has most of the traits of a CP and I know for a fact he is, it doesn't extend to other areas of his life. What you said about his cars, house, belongings etc. He's VERY into them. His house is beautifully decorated and very "homie". Even his town house before this. He's very peculiar with his things, anal to a point. He washes his cars (he's got a couple) every Saturday and he's not afraid of making decisions outside relationships. He's got a good, stable job that he loves so the only confusion in his life is me, I suppose.

candlerose77-

You're right, he's not ready and it's weird because he's always been the one talking about how he wants to settle down and have a family. I never pushed it, I was happy living together. Of course, like the book says "it's easy to want a commitment when there's no real threat of one, it's another to follow through with it once a real opportunity presents itself. I don't believe that after 4 times, I can truely trust him again, I will always be looking over my shoulder after every little fight and walking on eggshells- it's a terrible feeling. Is your guy saying anything to you online? How fresh is the breakup?

northwestwanderer -

3 years huh... :( Yeah, I have a feeling this one is gonna be a tough one. This has for sure been the longest breakup process I've ever encountered, basically a long drawn out 3-month process. No wonder I feel exhausted. I know you're right, I'm still "checking up" on him, not only via the chat and I know it's holding me back. He's away now and won't be back until Monday, I will try to remove him from my lists and block him today since I know he won't be on until Monday anyways and by then, he's technically been off my list for 4 days anyways.

It's funny you say it, I did start to re-read the book yesterday. Thank you all so much for responding. It's nice to not feel so alone. I'm afraid my friends are getting tired of me and my constant need to analyze every single breath out of that man's mouth!




Edited 6/3/2004 7:49 pm ET ET by sandrawede

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Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:39pm
Vent away...my dear, that's what we're here for!!
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Registered: 09-24-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 2:37pm
Sandra,

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I just ended it with someone who I gave a lot to but in the end got the whole "It's not you it's me" line, after I asked for a little more of a commitment. My questions for you or anyone else who has been through the CP experience is are they like this just in relationships or does it extend to work everday decisions? If it does that would explain a lot!

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Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:31am
Thanks for your words Heidi, it feels good to have an outlet where people in similar situations communicate. I'm sure by now my friends are pretty tired of me... :(

iret513- If you haven't read "Men Who Can't Love" and He's scared She's scared" (both by Steven Carter) yet, you need to run to the bookstore and pick it up asap. It will answer your questions but for now, the answer is yes. It can and often do extend to their entire life in general, whether is't making a decision on which car to purchase, where to live, how they decorate their homes, or lack of should I say, indicating that it's just temporary. They rarely want to be "tied down" to anything. Please pick up those books. In my man's case, his phobia does not extend to the rest of his life as he makes decisions like this with ease. The only thing he's torn about in his life is me........which brings me to my next question.

I got the call last night at 11:30PM............First time in one month now. When my phone rang, I had a funny feeling it was him and I just couldn't bring myself to answer. He left a message saying:

"I'm probably the last person you want to hear from but I wanted to call you and talk to you. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, there's a lot more I want to say and it's been tearing me up a long time now. I just want to talk to you. I know it's probably not gonna happen so I can at least leave you this message and say this. I hope everything is going well for you, your job and your personal life, but I just wanted to call and talk. If I don't hear from you I guess we won't. That's it, just wanted to say I was sorry...."

So now what.......part of me is dying to call back and hear him out but I'm afraid that all my work this past month will be out the window and I'll have to start over from scratch. There's no way in hell that he's changed in one month and to start this thing over, I'm sure I'll end up in the same place since the only time he wants me is when he percieves he doesn't have me, like you said.

Although I'm curious as to what he has to say, I don't really need to hear him say sorry to get closure. I know what the problem is and it's his. It's his fears, his insecurities and his immaturity and being incapable of facing them and working them out head on. He'd rather stick his head under the blanket and pretend everything is normal the way he is. Although he doesn't have a problem admitting he has issues, he does nothing to work on them

I'm doing fairly ok, I think NC works. Yesterday was almost the first time I felt that maybe things weren't so bad, and then he called. It's like he had his "she's-moving-on-radar" on..... Should I call him back? I didn't like the comment he made that if he doesn't hear from me we won't talk. I don't want to be at his beckon call so that he can feel free to again, walk all over me............Please give me some advice!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:29am
A true CP can't commit to much of anything! They typically change jobs frequently, have apartments that look temporary rather than homes, etc.

I already suggested it in this thread, but "He's Scared, She's Scared" has a whole list of things that suggest someone has commitment issues.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:35am
This is what I've done under similar circumstances: send an email (preferable to talking for the sake of your healing) making it clear that the ONLY reason you want to hear from him is if he's changed his mind about trying to work things out with you and is willing to go to counseling in order to move past his issues. That way your bottom line is clear and if he calls for any other reason, you'll know that he's disrespecting you and there's no reason to return the call (actually I'd block him from calling you; if he really wants to get in touch with you, he'll figure out a way!).

Have you re-read that section of HSSS yet ;-)???

Sheri

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Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:31pm
Did you mean the list on what it means to let go? If so, yeah, I've re-read and re-read over and over and I'm trying really hard. Your idea with a letter is a good idea, I'm in the process of writing it and will give it a few days before I send it but in the meantime, I just got an MSN Messenger notification that "Regretful" (wishIdidnt@hotmail.com) wanted permission to add me to his list.............

When I clicked yes, it put him on my list as "Unstable" so he's created a new hotmail account "wishIdidnt@hotmail.com" using the sign up name "Unstable" with the nickname "Regretful" to get my attention. At least he knows he's messed up...

Now I feel worse......

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