How do you get thru it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
How do you get thru it?
9
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 7:36pm

hi - I have been dating the same guy on and off for about 18 months. We officially broke up twice and most recently I broke it off with him because he told me he was starting to date other people and I just couldn't date him while he was dating other people. After our second breakup, he begged me to talk to him again and told me how much he loved me but also said he couldn't commit to me because he needed to get over his divorce and thought he would probably need to date other people to validate whether or not he and I were meant to be together. We started dating VERY shortly after his wife left him so he never had the chance to be alone.

I love the guy but can't sit around for him to decide if I am the one. He told me he needed a change. Am I wrong to break it off? I'm devastated. I have done all the things I should not have by emailing (I deleted his phone numbers thank god) but know I need to stop all communication. The two hardest things for me are 1) knowing that one week ago we shared a wonderful evening together and he was so caring and affectionate and 2) that he is now dating someone else.

Advise??? How do I get thru this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:22am

I wish I knew and I keep asking people that same question thinking that one day someone will give me this magical reply that will end all of my pain. The only answer is Time. It seems so hard in the beginning but I think that after almost two weeks I am feeling a little better....I don't know maybe I am just fooling myself right now. I do know that the best thing to do is stop all communication with him. I think you made the right decision to leave and the one thing that I do know is that it will get better. Stick it out...you will be stronger and better off in the end, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

P.S. I keep saying the same thing to myself..."just 11 days ago we were laying on the couch happy as could be watching a movie". There are many moments when I wish I could go back to that night. However, I have to remember that that was just one happy night among many of bad ones.

Hang in there!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:06pm

It does take time as everyone is different and goes through the grieving process differently.

Here's a short list of things that might help some:

Start journal writing. Vent daily on paper. Even write him UNSENT letters (burn them when you are done). Tell him everything you are thinking or feeling, share your pain, anger, etc.

Then make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them. Pamper yourself. Go for a walk, take yoga, get a massage, take a bubble bath, play the kind of music you like and dance in your living room, rearrange the furniture in your home, clean a closet, help others in need. If you have family that lives close, get involved for the holidays, ask if you can help cook or help clean up. Ask family and friends with kids if they need a babysitter so they can get their shopping done. If you have nieces or nephews have them over, play board games or cards. Make popcorn, watch movies, let them camp out in your living room. Take them shopping so they can get some thing for their parents. Teach them to make french toast or cookies.

To volunteer work. Helping others is a great way to 'forget' for a moment the pain we are in.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 2:14pm

If he can't commit, he can't commit. Not just to you, but to anyone else either. It's not about you, and it won't be about the next girl. It's about him.

Don't assume you're losing a good thing. It sounds like you are losing a bad thing, which someday you will be happy about. He wasn't treating you right, so losing him is a blessing in disguise.

I think you were right to break it off, especially if he started dating other people! Yikes. And to tell you he needed to do that to validate if you should be together is such BS. He's very selfish and sounds like a jerk.

That said, it doesn't mean you don't miss him. Just try to realize he was a mix of good and bad, and that you are going to find someone else who is wonderful.

Hugs.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:31pm

You open a nice bottle of red wine, have some girlfriends over and CELEBRATE! Although it is incredibly hard to lose someone you love and the life you had together, but this guy was a jerk. You deserve a guy who treats you with respect.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 12:56am

"told me how much he loved me but also said he couldn't commit to me because he needed to get over his divorce and thought he would probably need to date other people to validate whether or not he and I were meant to be together." That's a crock of you-know-what.

He needs to clear his emotions so that he can come to a new relationship without any baggage from the previous one...that is the "needs to get over his divorce" part.

He needs to sow his oats right now. It seems that he needs to be free of obligations and it has nothing to do with validating whether or not you are meant to be together. I believe that a man cannot decide whether a woman is right for him until his mind is ready to make a decision. Sometimes timing is bad and he'll string you along and then when his mind is ready to make a decision like this...he realizes that you are not the one.

Men have a different way of making decisions like these. Women go with their heart and emotions and men are more selfish that way and have a unique way of getting women to put their lives on hold until they can make a decision about their future or no future. If you push a man to make a decision to soon it usually backfires.

I don't know how anyone can get through something like this without a lot of pain. It sucks having to wait for someone to determine the rest of your life. Knowing how he feels would have altered my feelings for him. Either he wants me or he doesn't want me. A man that wants you doesn't take a chance on losing you. Look how they treat their cars (some would not even dare to valet park - they'll make you walk in the rain first), their wallets (never out of sight, held close), their friends (the guys do tend to come first in some cases) and their jobs (they'll relocate at the drop of a hat without even thinking about losing their woman). I know I sound negative, I am not trying to sound negative, just observant and facing the facts. Women will twist their lives into pretzels to accomodate a man.

Good luck with your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 2:33pm

Here, this should help:


How To Get Over Your Breakup:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 4:33pm
I broke up with my long term boyfriend recently and i found a book called 'How to mend a broken heart' by Christine Webber very useful. Write done things about him that you really disliked about him, to remind yourself of why you don't want to be with him. Stick them all over your house. Don't allow yourself to feel sorry for him, if you do ever think about him just say to yourself, 'he doesn't make me happy, he will never change, i'm better off without him and there is someone out there who will make me a million times happy than he ever will.'
You have made a great start by not contacting him. Do stick to it, because you will go straight back to the beginning if you do. Steer clear of him, he's made it clear that there is no future for you together. There is i promise, someone out there for you, you just need time to heal. X
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:43pm
Thanks. After the first break-up when we got back together we agreed it was exclusive. After the second one, I dated someone else for a few months and he basically begged me to talk to him at which point he told me he loved me but could not commit to me and that he would probably, at some point, like to date other people. So there was never anything exclusive between us except that it seemed it for a while - going out all the time, talking everyday - until he decided to date someone else and I broke it off. It will be 2 weeks on Monday since there was any communication with him. Most of that time was easy because I was out of the country but now I am back so I need to be strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:53am

Dear Broken: Gosh I can honestly relate to your situation. I too have gone through the same EXACT thing that you are going through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend too, in October. A friend of mine gave me a book called "Letting Go" and it's helped me through this process.

What we're both experiencing is a "loss" of a loved one. No one ever said that breaking up was easy, but sometimes it's for the best. How do you get through it?

Cut off all communication. I find it helpful filling up my time with my friends and just keeping myself busy so my thoughts are not so consumed with him. Each day will get a little easier...it will.

Just remember: Don't settle for anything less. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and thinks you're the greatest thing in the world. If he can't give you what you want, believe me, there is someone out there that will. Don't give up hope.

GH