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| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 7:27pm |
I've been with my SO for 10+ years. I love him and I know he truly loves me - for exactly who I am. We aren't married but we live together and we still laugh together, enjoy spending time together and communicate pretty well (I've even talked to him about the below some).
Problem is I've been struggling lately with whether this is enough for me? There is no fundamental reason to leave. He's good to me, doesn't hit me, cheat on me or abuse me in any way. He's an upstanding guy who is responsible and loyal. From the outside there is NO reason to walk away from him.
I also have pressing on me that I despise how people seem to be walking away from long term relationships these days (whether married or not). It seems like people hit this point in their marriage/relationship after 5, 10, 20 years where they "just don't feel it anymore" or "I'm not in love anymore" or "I'm not happy anymore" - in the same relationship they USE to experience happiness/love and those feelings. The reason they don't anymore is because one of them (or both) stopped doing the work - that's my take and I'm sure many will argue with me. But because I've been in a relationship for 10 years I can speak from experience that it IS work to make it last this long - it IS work to stick with it - it IS work to make it a lifelong relationship.
While I've not taken the wedding vows I do believe I live by them and there is nothing in the vows that say "as long as I'm happy, in love and experiencing "those" feelings"!
And my point is... I do not want to be the type of person who decides to just not do the work. BUT I also don't know, how to know if that's not my problem at all - maybe my problem is - I chose a man who has a different idea of how to operate in a relationship. A man whose priorities in life are different than mine. A man who doesn't dream or have goals in life and therefore is content to live exactly as we are now - forever!
From the outside HE is a good man, from the outside there is no viable reason for me to leave and even from the inside I have to question my sanity in considering walking away from a man that LOVES me and who I can't really imagine life without.
But we do not adore each other, there isn't passion and I've lost respect for him due to his inability to move forward in life. Unfortunately, I feel like giving examples makes those I'm seeking advice from, just focus on the examples - that's not what I'm looking for - we KNOW how to compromise and I've become really good at that - but it's the underlying belief - the difference in relationship ideals...
I don't know how else to explain it.
How do I know if I'm just "giving up" or if there really wasn't anything there to work with in the first place - we've just crippled along these years!?
Thoughts, advice!? TIA!
P.S. fyi - we aren't intersted in seeking professional advice. I've been down the therapist road and not sure I buy in to it!

You echo a lot of what I think, so I relate very well to what you've said.
You know, sometimes we make problems a lot bigger than what they really are, simply because we're focusing on the problem itself, what it means, where it comes from, how to solve it, etc., etc. It's exhausting. So exhausting in fact, that we forget that life is meant to be lived, not just talked about.
This may sound silly to you, possibly even a little simplistic, but in relationships such as yours, where there is nothing essentially wrong except for the fact that it's gotten a little mundane, a little too comfortable, the thing to do is shake things up. Some people will tell you, "Go find that passion, it's out there somewhere." I happen to think those people might be a little drama-addicted, not exactly capable of having long-term relationships if they're always looking for the next love-buzz. But that's just me.
Ok, so you're not into therapy sessions, can't blame you. What would you be willing to do in order to turn this around? Here's a tip for you: Assume that whatever you may try, will work. Lots of people go into the "work" of fixing the relationship being doubtful or skeptical, and that's halfway to failure right there.
Go back in your mind to when you actually did feel the passion, what did you do then? Do that again, change it up a little bit.
Couple of resources for you:
Relationship Rescue by Phillip C. McGraw (yes, it's Dr. Phil, no, it's not therapy)
Creating Magical Relationships by Ariel and Shya Kane (how living in the moment will transform your life)
This may sound odd, but I'm thinking this is where the issue really lies, even if the actual sex between you is great:
The Bunny Book: Walk, Talk, Tease and Please Like a Playboy Bunny (what have you got to lose by trying? Better question: What have you got to lose by NOT trying?)
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,bmxq58mm,00.html
Passion Parties' Guide to Great Sex (much more than what it sounds like)
http://www.tangomag.com/tabid/89/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/228/Default.aspx
Best,
~Sandra
P.S. How do you know? Well, since there are no guarantees, you just have to *act* on faith.
Hi,
You mentioned following problems:
1. Different priorities in the current life
2. Different goals for the future
3. He has stopped growing
4. You have lost respect.
Pretty serious stuff, I'd say. Since you have started to ask the question about whether you can live forever like this, my thought is that you already know the answer. Dig deeper.
I thought about your situation some more, and there is a book you may want to try:
Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum
This book, I don't know why I forgot it, helped me decide what I wanted to do.