How do you know when its over ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
How do you know when its over ?
1
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:31am
Hello everyone, new to this board. However, I do have an odd situation. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem. See, I have been w/ my bf just about three years now. And while I love him alot, I am starting to feel like the chemistry has died down. I've considered endding things at least a dozen times in the past year. Why the hold up ? Well, we live together. I've thought out numerous "plan B's" and somehow my best bet seems to be if I stay w/ him. Dont get me wrong, he treats me pretty good, the reasons for the alleged breakup would not be extreme. No abuse, cheating etc. Mainly just a "change of heart" So anyway, I live in a state about 1700 miles from my closest family. I have a few friends here, and I always wonder, how would I go about breaking up since we live together? WOuld I plan it out over a 6 month period so I can save up for my own place? Or just move out immediatly? Find a room mate? If my parents lived here, I would probably just move back in w/ them, but the city I live in is extremly expensive. its damn near impossible to live alone. Plus I also wonder, should I give mty bf "notice" of the breakup that way he could find another roomie? I know these are weird questions. But I cant see just continuing to live w/ someone where your not 100% completly in love with them. Has anyone else out there had a relationship where they lived w/ that person and moved out? Also, there are a few mutual friends we share. How do you break the news? Its not a "its his fault, her fault" kind of things, but I know how people are nosy and will assume the worst. Its just, life is too short. I spent most of the last 12 months thinking, "I think its run its course" and I dont know what to do anymore. So any stories, advice would be helpful, thanks !
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 3:55am

Hi bailey,

Your situation is not odd, in fact, it's probably the most common reason most couples break up or divorce. It's naivete and lack of effort. Don't get me wrong, lots of people think that way, that a relationship should always automatically feel the way it did in the first year or even the first several months, and that once it doesn't, that must mean there's somethign wrong with the relationship itself, it's not the one, there must be something or someone else better out there. Unfortunately, those are the same people who end up marrying and then divorcing over the same thing you're wanting to break up with your boyfriend over, never actually creating the relationship theyr'e so desperately wanting. No relationship, not even the best ones, runs on cruise control without eventually running right over the cliff. Someone's got to drive. You get out of the relationship, exactly what you put into it. What have you been putting into your relationship over the last year?

Of course the feelings simmer down after some time, the "in love" feelings only last so long *on their own*, after that, it takes some effort to be "in love" with the same person over and over. You've seen them at their best, their worst, their most boring and mundane, maybe even their most unttractive, possibly downright ugly at times, but, that's the flipside of wanting long relationships ;) things aren't always so exciting as they used to be. I get it. What I don't think you or so many others get is that unless even one partner is willing to put forth the effort to keep it fresh and new, it WILL get stale over time, and that's true of any relationship that's not cared for. Most people nowadays don't even want to try, it's too much effort. And it is a lot of effort, not everyone's cut out for long relationships. Especially the ones that think it should "just happen."

That's not to say the in love feelings can't be had and created over and over in long relationships. Long marriages depend on exactly that, the ability of one or both partners to keep reigniting the spark, but it doesn't happen automatically anymore after the first couple of years for anyone really. So you're not alone.

In a nutshell, this stuff doesn't happen on its own except in the very beginnng.

You don't have to believe me, and you can go ahead and take the coomon way out of your relationship that so many others do simply because those in love feelings "just aren't there" anymore, but I can pretty much guarantee that the next person you have a relationship with, it'll feel the same after some years, and then maybe you'll walk away again, instead of putting in the effort to bring the spark back into your current overall good relationship.

Unless, of course, you've left some vital piece of information out.

So yes, you can choose to simply walk away from this because oh no, it's not meeting your needs, but before you do that, sit down and ask yourself how many of his needs and the relationship's needs itself were you meeting? I'd suggest that before you walk away, you take a look at ways in which to put the spark and chemistry *back* into your relationship, otherwise, you'll likely just stay on the same merry-go-round all your life, chasing the elusive near-perfect or even"right" relationship, thinking you're going to "find" it somewhere, when the truth is, you create it. it might already be in your hands, just waiting to be molded. If you have already tried this, to include couples counseling, then having an honest heart-to-heart is a good idea.

Good luck,

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