How do you move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
How do you move on?
2
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 8:12am

Hi all - I am new here.

Been with him for 1.5 years. We had been here about 6 months in our (now my) apartment.....I thought we had a wonderful and intimate relationship. I love him so much - and I know he loves me too. His father died - and immediately he withdrew from me.....started staying out all night (not calling), made all new friends from work who he hangs out with now, went away for work and called me about 2xs in 2 weeks.....I know everyone deals with grief differently - but I feel such rejection and pain. Naturally I reacted a little - and was upset that he withdrew....which he totally couldn't deal with....and decided that if I wasn't going to "deal" wtih the new regime that he would break up with me.

He says that he know he changed and just doesn't know if he will ever be the same person again. Came home from his work trip - got his stuff and told me that he was going to stay with his friend for a while.....said that he needed to get right in his head, that he didn't want to loose me - and didn't want to hurt me. So - he comes over and spends the night about once every couple of weeks- everything will be blissful, then I won't hear from him for days.
I just cna't help but think that I should prepare myself for the worst....I feel so hurt and lonely. I know it should be all about him with his grief right now - but what do I do wtih these feelings of hurt? How can I function on 1 day every 10 days or so hearing from him? I am not even on his priority list. The only way that he calls me back - is if there is a serious reason - money problem or something - since he knows that this was a financial obligation at this aprtment.

His grief is serious - he has no family now - extended or immediate.

Should I just try to move on - is it normal to allow to someone this much "slack" in times like this?

I am just totally heartbroken....trying to be mature,
:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 8:28am
I'm sure what your boyfriend is going through with the loss of his father is very hard, but that is no reason to treat you the way he is. I know you are concerned about him, but be concerned about yourself, too. It is not fair to you that he comes into your life and goes as he pleases without regard to your feelings. But you are allowing that to happen. I think you have been very understanding and supportive of him of what he's going through...but there has to be a limit when he is hurting you like this and not treating the relationship with respect. You should have a talk with him and tell him that you want to be supportive, but the way he's treating you is unacceptable. I would suggest to him that he consider counseling....if not with you then by himself. If he is unwilling to talk about things and make changes, then yes I think you should move on. You can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves. And you deserve to be treated better. Keep posting on this board, it is very helpful. Good luck, I hope things work out. And if not, know that in time you will feel better. Just take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:08pm

Honestly, you'll know when you've allowed too much slack.

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