How Do You Stay Strong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
How Do You Stay Strong?
5
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 10:42pm

Hey guys..

I wrote a little bit ago about my impending break-up with a man I'd been with for almost 6 years. Since then as I said in the post, I have broken it off. It was "easier" then I thought it would be, it didn't blow up into a big fight like I had imagined. We both realize I think that we just are becoming two different people. It's so difficult though & I find myself reaching out to every angle I can.

This is the longest relationship I've ever had. I know it's for the best, I don't need to hear how it was the right decision because I know it was. The biggest issue is that our lives were intertwined in so many ways, especially because we lived together & shared the majority of our lives together. Bills, the house, pets, families. I was very close to his entire family, his mom was closer to me then my own mother in so many ways. She was there for me through a lot of tough times. She promises that wont change, that she'll always be there but it's hard to have the same relationship, at least right now.

So right now I'm detached from those people, living on a friends couch (who I'm very grateful for as she's the only support system I have right now here)..everything's just so scattered. How in the world do you get through this & remain strong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2011
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:44pm

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years.. It doesn't just affect you and him after that long together. My family is affected as well, and that almost hurts more.. My niece adored him and now he's gone. So it sucks, yes, but it's for the best!

I do my best to stay positive. I've been focusing on work, school, and friends. It's the best I can do at the moment. I think it's ok to grieve, you've lost someone important to you. Just stay positive. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done, but it's the only words of advice I can give you. It gets easier with time, and soon you'll stop thinking about him. One day you'll wake up and realize you haven't thought of him in a long time. You'll never forget, but you'll move on. Give it time, it doesn't happen over night.

Good luck & best wishes :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 1:41pm
I just kept telling myself "suck it up, this isn't going to be forever" whenever I felt sad or like I was going to cry. I gave myself permission to feel the emotions, but gave myself a time limit. For example, I'd say "ok, I am going to cry and feel sad for 15 minutes, then stop and do something else". Do things that require a lot of concentration, such as trying a complicated recipe or putting together a piece of furniture. Ask your friend to do things with you and ask her to make you laugh. After some time you'll find that you're thinking about him less and less and one day you'll wake up and realize you haven't cried or felt sad for a few days. It's a great feeling! Also, be sure to resist the temptation to check his facebook page, text or call him "just to say hi" or ask his mother or his friends/family about him. That prolongs the healing process. And if anyone brings him up, politely ask them to stop. It seems to me you're headed in the right direction, I'm sure you'll be just fine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 10:32pm
Thank you both for your words & your advice. I do get deeply saddened sometimes & I know that's okay, it's such a hard thing to say goodbye to a life together for 6 years. I know in the span of a lifetime that's not long at all, but for right where I am right now in my life, thats the longest it's ever been. I just keep moving forward. And that part of what you said about the tree? How beautiful is that! :) Thank you.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 11:42am

katzkataz wrote:
<p>Hey guys..</p><p>I wrote a little bit ago about my impending break-up with a man I'd been with for almost 6 years. Since then as I said in the post, I have broken it off. It was "easier" then I thought it would be, it didn't blow up into a big fight like I had imagined. We both realize I think that we just are becoming two different people. It's so difficult though &amp; I find myself reaching out to every angle I can.</p><p>This is the longest relationship I've ever had. I know it's for the best, I don't need to hear how it was the right decision because I know it was. The biggest issue is that our lives were intertwined in so many ways, especially because we lived together &amp; shared the majority of our lives together. Bills, the house, pets, families. I was very close to his entire family, his mom was closer to me then my own mother in so many ways. She was there for me through a lot of tough times. She promises that wont change, that she'll always be there but it's hard to have the same relationship, at least right now.</p><p>So right now I'm detached from those people, living on a friends couch (who I'm very grateful for as she's the only support system I have right now here)..everything's just so scattered. How in the world do you get through this &amp; remain strong?</p>

by accepting "what is" and not trying to have "what you wished would be".  The way the mind and memory detaches from what was can be painful and slow, but eventually, it stops being that way.

Accept that the sadness will come; then let it do its job so it can be done and gone.

Other than that, you get through it by going through it; and you must remain flexible in your emotions or you will break. Just like a tree has to learn to bend in the wind in order to strengthen its trunk, so must one who is being buffetted by the hurricane of breaking up.  You may lose a few leaves, but you won't snap in two.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 2:31am

  By not dwelling on the past.  It is gone.  Those relationships are gone.  Your mind and emotions need to be on the future.  Getting your own place.  Making a life for yourself.  Adopting a dream of accomplishment in your career.  learning ruthlessness. Those are a start.

dragowoman