How to end a long relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
How to end a long relationship
3
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:40pm
OK, I've made the extremely painful decision to break up with my boyfriend of 5 years... I just don't feel it's 'right' anymore...we aren't the same people we were in high school (I've just graduated from college and he will graduate this fall)...etc.

But here's the BIG problem. I keep chickening out. It's not that I'm afraid of being alone or that I am making a mistake...I KNOW this is right for me. But, I extremely afraid of breaking his heart.

We've never been good at having serious talks. Most of our serious relationship talks have happened via e-mail or IM. As dumb as it seems, it's just always worked that way for us. We open up better, don't have to see the other one crying, etc.

So here is my question. Is it ever OK to break up with someone in any other way than in person? (And I don't mean situations where you live far apart...afterall, we live about 5 miles from each other.)

How do I deal?

Please help!

Thanks in advance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:16pm
Hey there- A longer relationship is always the hardest to break away from. I was with a guy for 8 years and that wasnt easy. But unfortunatly, there is no other way to break up with him but in person. Reason is, youve spent so much time with him as is, and you owe him the respect to do it to his face. The reason people write letters often time is because its a easy way out for them not to see the pain they are about to cause. You owe him the shoulder to cry on, nobody ever said relationships were easy- and breaking up is even harder! Now what you could do is set him up for the breakup- write him a short letter that states you need to talk and that its not going to be pleasant- so hes prepared for it. And then go to a quiet nuetral place- his place is best- and describe how your feeling etc. He might take it better if you break it off gradually- maybe tell him you want to take time out from him for a while, you need space. Then later after you havent spent as much time with him, he will take it easier than a cold break. It sounds like it might be easier on you too emotionaly. You wont know exactly how youll feel about it until you do it, and you may hurt more after you do it than you know! Long term relationships are best ended with a slow seperation- kind of like marrage. You cant just cut them off, its too painful for them and you. Hope I helped stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:40pm
Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:19am
Welcome to the board!! I know it is very hard to end a relationship where the other person hasn't really done anything to you (cheat etc) but if you no longer feel the connection then it's the right choice. It wouldn't be fair to him for you to continue a relationship you don't feel is "right". The longer you wait to tell him, the harder it's going to be. As for how to end things.....different things work for different people. I personally could not break up with somebody via e-mail or IM. I've been broken up through an e-mail before and I know how bad it can hurt. You've been together for a long time and I personally think your bf deserves a face to face break-up or a phone break-up if you can't bare to see him after the break. Maybe you can jot down all the reasons you think it's best to end it and anything else you want to say....kind of prepare a little speach and even rehearse it....to make it a little easier.....at least you'll know what to say! Just remember to be considerate of his feelings and try not to accuse him ...(you never do this....etc etc). Good luck and keep us posted!!!
Photobucket