how to fall in love... again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
how to fall in love... again
7
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:56pm

Thank you all for your comments. After reading through the comments, I realize a few more things about myself. It wasn't his educational level that really bothered me. That was just an excuse for a larger problem.

I often get upset at fiance a lot for trivial things, like him not wearing his tie to match my dress, him being a few minutes late to pick me up, him not doing things in an organized and timely manner, and him not speaking English as well as my peers do. I told him I get embarassed when I introduce him to my colleagues and friends because his speaking skills are not up to par with people I associate with. He says these are only trival things and he will try to improve, but it takes time. I know this hurts him a lot but I constantly bring it up.

I never found faults with my ex, although he had very many (he was addicted to porn, he joined a fraternity and did crazy things, he never wanted to hang out with me or talk to me, he forgot and never cared about any birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.). These are huge problems and I don't know why I put up with it for years and cried over him every night. All because he made my heart race and gave me butterflies when I kissed him. I really don't enjoy kissing fiance.

The things I mentioned above are the ONLY things that a picky person like me has found "wrong" with him. He really is a great guy who remembers all the special holidays and surprises me everyday. He enjoys talking to me and calls me every free chance he gets. There are many girls who like him and many hearts he's broken because he cannot reciprocate those feelings.

I know I would be foolish to give up such a great guy who would make a wonderful husband and father. I know many of you are advising me to cancel this weekend for his sake and mine, but I don't know if I would be any better without him, but I would always be searching for an ideal guy who gives me the butterflies and treats me well (such a guy does not exist). Maybe I would end up with a jerk like my ex and I don't want to go through that pain again.

Fiance deserves better, and I know I can make him happy if I tried harder. One time I sent him a card for no reason at all and he was unbelievably happy. The wedding is all paid for already, and everyone is expecting us to get married. My future in-laws are also some of the nicest in-laws anyone can ever ask for.

What I want is to be able to be "in love" with fiance. Can anyone offer me suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:21pm

"I often get upset at fiance a lot for trivial things, like him not wearing his tie to match my dress, him being a few minutes late to pick me up, him not doing things in an organized and timely manner, and him not speaking English as well as my peers do. I told him I get embarassed when I introduce him to my colleagues and friends because his speaking skills are not up to par with people I associate with. He says these are only trival things and he will try to improve, but it takes time. I know this hurts him a lot but I constantly bring it up."

What exactly do you think it is your fiance sees in you? I think you should end your engagement because clearly you are not good enough for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:40pm

Hi firstlove,


Your previous posts for those trying to follow your story:


cheating on fiance


marry 1 u love or marry 1 who loves u?


First consider reading the book 'Are You the One for Me?' by Barbara DeAngelis.


Consider counseling for yourself and then here's a few books to consider:


Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - In Love, Richard Carlson PhD and Kristine Carlson


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 6:05pm

Incredible leap of faith.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:52pm

Hi firstlove02,

I have been following your posts and it doesn't sound like you're really thinking about your fiance as a PERSON at all -- only about how he makes you LOOK and how he makes YOU feel. I don't say this to make you upset or offend you, but to perhaps help you understand what you are doing to this poor man. I'm sure that he knows you think these things about him, that he isn't good enough for you, isn't "on your level", because you tell him so every day and ask him to change! Don't you think that would make him feel awful about himself, hearing that so much?

You said in your first post that "He is everything a girl could wish for - cute, funny, educated, career-oriented, and romantic. My friends are very envious of me." In your most recent post, you mentioned that you didn't want to break up with him because the wedding is already paid for, everyone is expecting you to get married, all of your friends are envious and other women have shown interest in him, and you don't know if you'd be any better without him, as you could end up getting hurt again. Yet you called him a "rebound guy", you don't think he's up to par with you (though apparently he's "educated" and "career-oriented"), and you think you'll always be looking for something "better". Where exactly is HE in all of this? This isn't about his life at all, its about your insecurities and your "image" -- how other people view you because of him. If you honestly believe that he is everything a girl could wish for, then how in the world could he not be good enough for you???

I see many, MANY reasons why you shouldn't marry this man. You don't love him. You don't respect him. You don't see him for who he is. You make him feel like a lesser person than you. You compare him to your ex and your "circle" of "educated" colleagues (whom you have also considered cheating with!). You have unrealistic expections and personal insecurities that you then project onto him. If you choose to stay with him, provided he'll continue to have you, and you continue to look down on him so, you will make his life miserable, as well as yours. If you care for him at ALL, you will not want to do that to him. I agree with other posters in that you need to seriously evaluate your idea of love and what you're looking for in a mate. Counseling has been suggested, as well as various books, and those are all good options. Don't hold onto him because you're afraid to be alone -- the most honourable way to show him you care is to let him go, give him a chance to be with someone who can make him feel an equal partner and ENHANCE his life, not tear it down.

Everyone has a different opinion of what love is and to what extent it can be fostered. I, for one, believe that it is possible for love and affection to grow, that love is in some ways a choice -- but I think there must be solid ground for it to grow from. In order to CHOOSE to love someone, you have to have a solid connection (and at some point, an attraction), a close friendship, a real RESPECT for this other person and their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Because no one is perfect, you can't possibly expect someone to fulfill your wishes and ideals in every way -- there are certain qualities, such as honesty, humor, integrity, etc. that you may need in a partner (everyone's "must-haves" are different), and it is perfectly reasonable not to settle for someone without such qualities -- but not speaking the Queen's English or being able to match a tie to your dress should not be deal-breakers. I don't think you can make yourself love this man -- the foundation just isn't there. I am skeptical that long-term counseling might make you see him in another light, but I suppose anything is possible.

Please, PLEASE do not marry this man if you are not completely sure you want to. You will just end up hurting him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:00am

*but I would always be searching for an ideal guy who gives me the butterflies and treats me well (such a guy does not exist)* - ow yes he does i can tell you - my partner, who after 9,5 years still treats me more than well and STILL gives me (little:) butterflies. And the same can happen for you, believe me. But only if you leave this poor *fiance* of yours.

*I really don't enjoy kissing fiance* - HOW on earth can a woman even THINK of marrying a man she doesnt enjoy to kiss????????????? Im speachless.

Rocklady




Edited 3/8/2007 3:27 am ET by rocklady1970
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 6:12am


'....What I want is to be able to be "in love" with fiance. Can anyone offer me suggestions?'

Sigh. Suggestions as to how to 'become' in love with someone who repulses you to the point where you can't stand kissing him? My suggestion would be this: let this man go, cancel the wedding, spend time thinking about things, then start looking for that good decent man who you WILL be in love with and who will also treat you well and adore you. He does exist - you just haven't found him yet. I second what Rocklady says - my bf is one of those. I am madly in love with him, after 3 years, and he is an amazing person who treats me like gold. There you go - two 'true life' examples that you do not need to settle, and that a man who will give you those butterflies doesn't necessarily have to be a b*****d.

The reason you find fault with every step he makes - colour of his tie mathcing your dres? the way he speaks? being late a few times? these you consider something to kick up a fuss about? - is because you feel absolutely nothing for this man in a romantic sense. You are not in love or lust with him. You don't even like him all that much. You just see him as this 'great on paper therefore should be perfect' husband material. Please don't do this to either yourself or him. You cannot make yourself want him, lust after him, desire him. You have no chemistry with this man on any levels. This feeling that makes your heart jump at the sight of him, smell of him or sound of his voice is simply either there or not from the very beginning. Yes, all those feelings fade with time but they must have been there in the first place for a relationship to not be a farce. I speak from experience. If he was your man, if he treated you like he does PLUS if you wanted him the way a woman should want a man she is with (LET ALONE the one she is planning to marry but that's another story alltogether as I am anti-marriage and always will be) you would not mind what colour tie he wears, how he speaks, what his education level is, how your friends react to him ect ect ect. None of that would matter.

Bottom line is this: please let him go before it's too late. As other people stated in this thread, you won't only be making your life a misery but his too. You are thinking of cheating on him before you're even married to him. Just imagine what your life would be like some years down the line. Life of lies to self and others, life with no soul, empty fake non-life in a cage. Sorry if anything in this post sounds offensive to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:13am

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has wrote- over and over again- on all the responses to your posts. Sorry it's not what you want to hear.


Everytime I read more about your story, I wonder why your fiance has so little respect for himself that he would want to be with someone that thinks so little of him.