How to forget

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
How to forget
5
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:40am

I was in a very short, hard, emotional relationship about 2 years ago. This man lied to me about his love for me, which in turn I fell for him hard (not knowing at the time he didnt feel the same) he had told me he loved me, wanted to be with me etc. Then I found out that he had been trying to work things out with his seperated wife in another city, but when he was back home he said he loved me still, and wanted me. It lasted in all about 2 months, with him always inviting me over, usually ending up in sex during the weeks he was not down with his wife. In turn, I was a mistress. I loved him, he was my first true love and he hurt me badly. At one point I thought I was pregnant and told him so, in which he was more concerned with what others would say about him, rather than me and the baby. Turned out I was just severly stressed, and not pregnant.

It ended with me finally telling him I didnt want to come over, he was mad but that was it.

several months later, he contacted me again, to me it seemed he wanted to try and get back together, he and his wife were finally getting a divorce (he had cheated on her before). I was dating the man I'm still with at this moment and kindly mentioned that. Things turned nasty. he started accusing me of getting into his email (it was his wife). he started driving by my house, someone related to him was calling me several times a day sometimes several times an hour, hanging up or saying nasty things on the answering machine. I filed a complaint against him at work. he in turn said i had made a website about him, the website was never found to have ever existed and I wasnt the one who made it.

I left shortly afterwards and found a new job. Soon after, I moved in with my boyfriend.

I cant forget him. It's nto taht I still have feelings for him, I just hate him, I have anger and hatrid towards him. I dont want him to be happy, to have anyone. I find myself wanting to find out if he is with someone. he found me on myspace and his girlfriends started sending me nasty messages calling me his jealous ex girlfriend etc. He threatened me with a lawsuit saying I was saying untrue things about him, which was found out to be someone else.

I'm pretty much happy with the man I'm with, but i cant forget what this guy has done. I lay awake at night thinking about it all, dreaming up ways for revenge, ways to make my life better (impossible ways that is)

how do you forget something or someone that was your first true love who destroyed you, emotionally and mentally abused you, lied to you, probably cheated on you? I've tried praying, writing unsent letters, writing stories where I get revenge, writing ways I'm better on private blogs, bad mouthing him to friends, praying for good things for him.

if i'm in the wrong board please point me to the right one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
In reply to: cyancobalt
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 11:10am

I can relate to you very easily. My ex hurt me more than I thought anyone could ever do. I believed his love for me and our bond, etc. but he (after about 2 years) imploded. Its a very long story, but just know I can relate.

Listen, you will NEVER forget. But the feelings of rage, sadness, shock, humility, etc. will lessen. You will, eventually, disassociate. Its been about 8 months since we broke up the final time and I have disassociated, BUT I have had to work hard at it. I saw a therapist for a while which helped me because I had a desparate need to "understand" why he acted how he did - I never thought one human could be that hurtful to another.

I suggest to continue with your life and focus on what is healthy for you right now and try not to involve yourself with thinking about the ex. Therapy was useful for me because it helped me get more in touch with all the extreme emotions that I couldn't get rid of by myself.

Good luck in this new relationship.

-isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cyancobalt
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:27pm

cyancobalt...

Pianoguy's one and only question:

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND?

If the answer is YES....dismiss any and all past relationships....RIGHT NOW!

If the answer is NO....get thee to a therapist. Hopefully...a little professional help will expel those 'past demons inside your head' once and for all?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to: cyancobalt
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:38pm

HI CYAN

WELL I'M SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN..THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO DO IS TO FORGIVE AND FORGET..ANYWAYS EVERYTHING IS JUST IN MIND IF YOU TRY LETTING GO OF YOUR PAST I THINK YOU WILL FORGET ABOUT HIM..I'M ASSUMING YOUR HAPPY WITH YOUR BF NOW RIGHT THATS GOOD ATLEAST IN YOUR MIND YOU DIDNT DO NOTHING BAD THAT LATER IN LIFE THAT YOU NEED TO PAY FOR IT.

JUST REMEMBER REVENGE WONT DO ANYTHING GOOD TO YOU OR TO ANYONE ELSE..WELL ACTUALLY TO BE HONEST SOMETIMES I FEEL DOING THAT ALSO WITH MY EX. BUT WHAT I SAID TO MY SELF GOD IS NOT SLEEPING AT ALL. LET THE KARMA RUN AFTER HIM. SO MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAN.

IN YOUR SITUATION NOW. DONT MAKE IT WORST. ANYWAYS LIFE MUST GO ON..JUST SHOW THAT GUY THAT YOUR LIFE IS MUCH BETTER WITHOUT HIM..LOOK AT HIM I'M ASSUMING HIS A LOSER NOW.

I THINK THE ONLY WAY TO FORGET ABOUT THIS GUY IS TO PUT IN YOUR MIND THAT YOU LEARN SOMETHING IN THAT RELATIONSHIP AND MAKE YOU STRONGER. SOMETIMES IN LIFE THAT WE ALL DID SOMETHING THAT LATER THAT WE REGRET IT FOR SOME REASON. WELL WE LEARN FROM THOSE EXPERIENCE. SO ITS UP TO US WHERE ARE LIFE HEADED. IF WE WANNA BE WITH A LOSER "OR" WITH A REAL LOVER. RIGHT?

GOOD LUCK OKAY

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: cyancobalt
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:56pm

It's not about forgetting. It's about acknowledging the life experience you had, accepting that he was a cheater, that he used you, that you were naive, that he even manipulated you, to acknowledge that you will never allow that to happen again. It was a lesson learned.

Sure you have anger and rage, but it is preventing you from being truly happy, because keeping a hold of that anger and rage is only hurting you (and your current relationship) - you are 100% in the relationship with your new guy. He deserves you to be 100% IN the relationship with him.

What can you do, counseling is a good suggestion, but also consider writing out 'hate mail' UNSENT letters to the ex - vent your pain, rage, anger, tell him everything you are mad about, blast him, then burn the letter. Write daily if necessary until you can let go.

Don't give this guy power over you. He doesn't care how mad you are or how you feel.

Good luck to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
In reply to: cyancobalt
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:29pm
Maybe god wanted us to meet a few bad people so that when we finally meet the right person, we will KNOW their treating us good unconditionally and we will be able to do the same in return without question.
I have just recently ended an 11 yr. relationship with the same sort of situation, i just want to say "be thankful" you did'nt put your all and everything into it for many many years, you can get over this, there are alot of other people out there
!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORTH YOUR TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that will appreciate you for who you are inside, and out, and not for there toy of convienence.
Even if they do all look like frogs right now, the haze will eventually lift (lol).
Dont give up writing your unsent mail though, its a great way to release stress!!
And, when you do those temporarily out of mind "mean to others slip-ups without explination," just say that its part of the temporary "man hating trip" that your on right now, your getting over it soon, people will understand and believe it or not excuse it.