How to Get Over a Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2005
How to Get Over a Breakup
7
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 8:23pm

I am not currently in a break-up, but I have been through them in the past. One ugly one in particular. And I thought I would share some advice that I thought might help.

1 - NO CONTACT. Don't call him. No emails, text messages, no drive bys past his house. This is especially true if you are the dumpee, not the dumper. It is also the hardest rule to follow. It is very easy to think that calling him or seeing him will make the pain go away. It won't. In fact, it will make it much, much worse. Because all it will do is rip your heart out again, especially when he doesn't tell you or give you what you want to hear. Trust me on this one. Hide your phone if you have to. NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT.
2 - Feel free to wallow in self-pity. For one week only. Allow yourself 7 whole days to be a miserable, puffy, crying mess. Go through a case of Kleenex if you have to. Cry a river of tears. Sob over his picture while you lie on the couch. For 7 days only. On day 8, wake up, wash off the cooties and the misery and remember this - You have a life to lead. He may not be in it now, but that doesn't mean your life stops. Time to start putting one foot in front of the other and working to go back to the pre-guy girl you used to be.
3 - Rely on your friends. Call in reinforcements! Everyone has been dumped at some point, and everyone has been dumped in a bad way too. Get the girls together. Bitch about men. When I broke up with Jordan (because he thought we needed to "cool things off" which actually meant he met someone else who he married last year), I rallied the troops - Cherry, whose ex-bf dumped her because he needed "space", Tori whose ex-bf Elliot dumped her because he needed "peace" and Lauren, whose ex-bf Connor dumped her because he felt "empty". We bitched and moaned about men over a big bottle of tequila. It was a cleansing experience. Call your friends, get together, and exorcise that man demon from your life.
4 - Think about the future, without him in it. This is a tough one too, ladies. So many of us plan our lives around men, and what they want and what they need. A big no-no yet so many of us do it. Think about all the things you wanted to do with your life pre-bf. Now, start doing them. Pre-Jordan, I wanted to move to England. Then I met him, and he would never leave our hometown. So, neither would I (there's that putting him first thing). Post-Jordan, I was on a plane to London a year after our break-up (which was a fantastic life-changing experience I can't detail here in a short amount of space).
5 - Pamper yourself. You know the money you spent on him - nights out, presents - spend it on you. Hit the mall. Get a new look maybe, a new haircut. Did you put on a few pounds while you dated him, like I did? Maybe a gym is calling your name like it did me. Plus, punching out a bag really helps release tension (especially when you picture his face).
6 - Clean out "him". When you are ready, it is time to clean out your house of his crap. Chuck the toothbrush, deoderants, colognes and junk. Give back anything of value (and you can avoid contact with him by having a friend do it, or leaving it when he is not home).
7 - There will be weak moments. When you think about the good memories. Often, you will think only of good things, and not remember the bad. When you feel soft hearted, think of the crappiest thing he did (and yes, he did something crappy. They all do) and get pissed at him. It works. I saved a particularly horrible email from Jordan that I reread every time I thought of him fondly. Worked like a charm. Eventually, you will be able to think about the good and not pine for him, and the bad, and think "wow, have I come a long way".
8 - It takes time. It takes time to get over someone - you won't feel great for awhile. But you will have one moment where you go "yup, I am going to be okay". Mine was 3 months post-breakup, sitting in a bar pre-concert and noticing for the 1st time that a guy (the Jude Law lookalike bartender) was hot, and flirting with me. It was the first night I did not think about Jordan once. And, I knew I was going to okay and Jordan would eventually be a war story to tell my daughters one day.
9 - Take stock - It is time to look back on your relationship objectively. Think of the good things and the bad things. Think about his mistakes and yours. Honestly look, and you will often see why it didn't work and why it ended. You will see what you did wrong, and what he did wrong. Learn from this. You've learned some more about what to do and what not to do.
10 - Move on. Finally, remember, the 4 stages of break-up - Sadness, Anger, Bitterness, and "Yeah, I could have sex again". Have fun and congratulations! You made it. Say hello to a new man and a new you - ready to embark on a new relationship with a new perspective on what you want, and what you want to share with someone.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

SC

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 10:29pm
thanks for all that, i will read that when i need a little encouragment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 10:34pm

Good advise... I agree. :)

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:39am

I know in time I will get there too. Today I am crafting a drop off of his yard tools he left for me, as I own a home and he is currently in an apt.

I don't need his STUFF - -ever. Yup, I am angry...and look FORWARD to the rest of the stages.

Thanks for the advice.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 6:27am
Donna, sometimes the angry stage is the best stage to view clarity...I was with my ex during the angry stage one night and was spouting off all this &^%$ that was true from how I felt...and he heard it and did not like it..and I hated the anger but..it was part of my healing. I also easily recalled all the &^%$ that went on so I did not avoid this part of our reality. Just know, the anger stage can easily go into the sadness or sorrow stage so hold on for the ride. It ain't fun but if you do this right, it goes well and you are better in the long run. There is a wonderful man waiting for you..one who WANTS you. One that does NOT need a break. One that does NOT need another..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:17am

Thanks very much for your reply....Yes, I am still all over the board (angry, sad, depressed, in despair). I am aiming for 2 good days in a row. That's my goal. My ex emailed me night before last with some stupid financial garbage I guess he thought I would like to read.

Today, I emailed him unemotionally and ask that he allow me the time to get past this relationship with no contact - - and I will do the same.

Instead of dropping his tools off, I put them in my attic, along with photos, books, dvds, etc.

I have to process through this, I know, but dang I am so sick of it. I ONLY WANT TO BE HAPPY....Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:34pm
I so agree with you. I don't know what these men are thinking but I do know that I am angry. I have allowed the proper number of days to be sad but i am tired of crying at everything. I am just so mad that he had the nerve like all the women in the world want him and nobody wants me. But from reading responses to some of the posts someone always says that there wil be one who you dont have to beg him to be with you, one that will want to love you and not need anybody else, one who does not need space and all that other crap. So thanks you guys i am listening, its just hard and I just want to tell him one time how much he hurt me and how many of the lies he told me that he swears were the truth and that he is forever on that list of guys that he swore he wasn't one of. The back-stabbing kind who don't know what the heck they want. The list of those who can never be trusted again with my heart. And he was the one who felt he couldn't trust me with his heart. But i loved him and showed it and I was there for him not once did i say that I was going to leave. But he left me this time around. Yes, I think i will do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:56pm

i cant do it.
me and my boyfriend of 2 years (est 9-10-03) just broke up. weve broken up like 4 or 5 times before on and off. but this time i think its real. and its all his fault and i wouldnt say that if it wasnt.
lately we havent been able to see eachother because we both dont have cars.
so we really just talk on the phone alot and talk through our yahoo email account.

so yesterday nov.1 2005
i called him and asked him to go to a movie with me. he was like ok cool.
two hours go by he still hasnt called. so i called him.
hes like i dont want to go to the movie i want to have sex.
im like, but we never spend time together and it would be fun to go with you. hes still talking about me giving him some (sex)

it was horrible. i felt so much pain inside by him kept saying that.
weird because ive only had sex with him 2 times in the 2 years. and the first tiem i lost my virginity to him i got pregnant (abortion). and this is all recent stuff. so it hurts ALOT.
i just cant stop crying right now. my keyboard is wet and i seeing blurry.
they wont stop coming out.
but anyways, i wrote him in our email because the last time i talked to him on the phone i hung up on him after he told me he wasnt going with me.
so my best friend called him and was trying to talk him and tell him how mad i was. and he hung up on her.
i didnt go to movies with my friend and her boyfriend. i stayed home and cryed on my pillow.
today, this morning nov.2
my best friend tells me he called her cell phone 3 times and left a message.
i didnt call him back.
but in the email i just wrote to him, i couldnt take how he talked to me and stuff and i told him it wa s embarressing to me my friend and my mom how he treats me.
because i know they all see im hurt and they ALl know what i just went through with him (the abortion)
ANYWAYS.. he wrote back, he cant take me going through these emotions.. blah blah and he said, "i dont know if your saying its over but i am. i cant too much of this stuff.)

im like. what stuff?? when hes the one who started it.
im just really hurt and stressed by this whole situation.
what do i do ???