How to get over a crush?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:40pm |
I posted before about having a huge crush on one of my coworkers. He has a girlfriend, and he's also technically my supervisor (at least for the next 3 weeks, then we'll be the same level). I don't know what it is about him. It isn't his looks really, because I didn't notice him when I first started here; but the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Sometimes I feel like he's just perfect for me. Of course there's nothing I can do about this since he has a girlfriend (who he's been with for 2+ years, although they did break up once about a year and a half ago). I don't care that we work together, since I know I could easily get another job, but even so, it just isn't going to happen. How do I take my mind off of this??
I've tried a lot of things, I've been on dates with other guys, but no one seems to measure up. I've spent so much time trying to convince myself to like someone, anyone else, but I can't make my myself do it!
Any advise?

Pages
I think if it becoming a problem, you need to look for a new place to work. He is in a long term relationship. I have had a relationship with someone I worked with and it DOESNT work. Just like the last post, think of his girlfriend. I dont think she would appreciate you making a gesture towards her boyfriend.
~L
I think I've been down the road you could possibly be about to head down... A little over a year ago I started working with this man I thought was kinda cute. Just like you said, the more I got to know him, the more he grew on me. He never talked about his girlfriend so I had no idea he had one and by the time I found out it was too late. Stupidly, I continued my crush, figuring it was harmless since all we were doing was talking. In the fall we had to go our separate ways but we exchanged e-mail addresses. I figured e-mail was harmless enough and it was... For a while. Then he started coming out with me and my friends, just as a friend, but one night he kissed me. Now keep in mind this girlfriend was a live-in girlfriend whom he'd been with seven years. I felt really horrible about kissing him but at that point I was in love with him. A few weeks ago he left his girlfriend and stayed with me for a night (nothing physical...I didn't want that and he didn't even try) but the next day he had serious doubts, thought he'd moved too fast, and went back to her. It's been almost a month and we stayed in contact by phone until last week but the whole thing was tearing me up too bad. I told him he needed to make up his mind and now our communication has drifted to a lot less than it was before.
All that to say, if I'd walked away back when I first found out he had a girlfriend or at ANY point in the process, it would have been easier than right now. It's going to hurt no matter when you do it, but the longer time goes on, the harder it gets. AND...like you, a lot of our relationship was just working together and being friends (although it was obvious we were both romantically interested) so I had a lot of time to dream and fantasize. It's not too much easier when the relationship is a fantasy than when it was reality...actually, it may be a little harder because you don't see all their faults, only the person you imagine them to be. Just, if you can, RUN while you can still get out without too much damage.
Steph
Well, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who this has happened to. It is so hard. We travel together for work, so I am literally with him all day, everyday, for two weeks straight. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. Then after dinner we go out for entertainment (poker, movies, sporting events, etc.). There are other people around, it isn't just the two of us or anything, but he's always there! Of course I haven't let on about how I feel and I treat him pretty much the same way I treat anyone. Maybe I talk to him slightly more because I find him hillarious and I know he finds me hillarious too. But anyway, it's a rough position.
I have of course thought about his girlfriend, which is why I would never act on my feelings. I just don't know how to make these feelings go away, especially when I don't totally want them to go away because I've never felt this strongly about someone before. I know it is a long shot, but there is a chance things with his girlfriend won't work out, they aren't engaged or anything and I know they broke up before. I would never do anything while he is with her though, and I would hate myself if I was the reason that any couple split up, so it is just out of the question. I'm seeing other people as well, I won't let myself wait around for someone who most likely doesn't even know that I am interested...
Ugh, I just don't know how I can convince myself to not want to like him and to accept that there is no hope that we'll get together. How do you do that? How can I feel like this person is made for me when he doesn't even have a clue? It just seems like a bad joke or something! Normally I am a really rational and logical person, this is completely out of character for me and I don't know how to turn my feelings off!
ITS DIFFERENT TO OTHER PEOPLE AROUND US ..THEY KNOW SOMETHING WHATS UP ON THAT
<<>> I MEAN ITS UP TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE ADMIRING THIS PERSON NOTHING WRONG WTH THAT JUST DONT GO THAT FAR...YOU DONT WANT TO END UP GETTING HURT..I KNOW THATS WHY YOU LIKE THIS GUY COZ ITS VERY CHALLENGING FOR YOU RIGHT?
It's not unusual to have the feeling someone is your soul mate because you communicate well and "get" each other. That doesn't necessarily mean anything -- love is blind, and so is infatuation! You see only his commonalities with you, not his differences. You see what you want to see. You are on a slippery slope with all the time you're spending together. Yes, it's possible they will break up, but that's what I thought a year ago. My ex-"crush" broke up with his girlfriend a couple of times over the course of their relationship too, but it is different in that he was living with her and they have now been together seven years. A big problem you're looking at is that you have to work together and that's going to be tough if you do start a relationship. And it's going to get harder and harder to resist him. I minored in psychology and took a lot of the relationship classes and one thing I remember was that they said when you fall in love with someone, you idealize everything they do. Their laugh, the way they talk, the way they look at you, the way they eat -- whatever. You sit around when you're not with them wondering what they're doing, aware every minute of the day what their schedule is. So, the advice to fall out of someone was to do the opposite. Focus on their flaws. See the bad things and ignore the good. And DON'T feed the thing. The more you feed it, the more it'll grow. So instead of constantly imagining what it would be like if he were with you, think of something else. Or someone else. Just try not to feed it, if what you really want is to resist falling for him. Of course, you probably won't follow that advice...
Steph
TO STEPHIE5741
WOW GOOD ADVISED!!!! I HOPE NEATNCLEAN USED IT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE RIGHT!!!!
So tell me something, how does this guy get to spend so much time with you, day and night, without his girlfriend getting suspicious? Something isn't right here. Perhaps he isn't being straight with you and maybe you are not being totally honest here in this forum. Perhaps you are already sleeping with him and maybe even thinking about moving in together and just looking for validation from others of your relationship to ease your conscience.
Why are you posting your thread in a forum for couples breaking up? It looks to me like you are just getting started.
BTW, did you two happen to eat hot dogs for lunch today? Just curious.
Edited 2/22/2006 8:00 pm ET by throughtheringer
My, you sure are suspicious of me! We spend a lot of time together when we travel for work because there is no one else to spend time with. Of course our other coworkers are there too, it's usually a group of 3 to 5 people, I've never done anything with him alone. I don't think we've even been alone together period. It really isn't as strange as it might sound, that's just how things are at the company I work for, I'm close with all of my coworkers. I'm sure he has never even mentioned my name to his girlfriend because he has no idea how I feel. We've certainly never slept together, I don't think I've ever so much as even bumped into him by accident. The whole thing is just in my head.
I just posted here because I read this board a lot and I've gotten good advise here in the past. Everyone has had a crush at one time or another, I think...
And for the record, no, I didn't eat hotdogs for lunch yesterday. I ate at my desk, alone, like I do every day in the office.
Pages