how to get over a love?
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how to get over a love?
| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:42pm |
I need some help on sorting out my feelings and thoughts. I was with the man that I love for almost 3 yrs. Actually we broke up 1 week before our three year anniversary. We were engaged for one year and we were planning on getting married November 2005. This is the story....I was in the office one day when he was on his e-mail and saw a message pop up and it said, " Your matches from americansingles.com". I asked what it was. His reply was nothing and deleted it. I did not believe so I went onto his e-mail the next day and found out that he was a member to this singles site looking for lonely desperate housewives to have a descreat affair with. I looke in his sent basket and found nude pictures that he sent of himself. That night I told him that someone I knew had this happen to them....trying to get him to admit....and he just said that he would consider it cheating and that he would never do this to me. He told me that the only reason why I was accusing him was because my father cheated on my mother. Another night went by and I could not forget about it so I told him that I went onto his e-mail and saw everything. All I wanted him to do was come clean and say that he made a mistake. I was so i love with this man. Instead he proceded to trash our house. He threw rocks at our my new floor and broke alot of pictures that he had given me. I had to lock my daughter in the bathroom cause I didnt want her to get hurt. Needless to say we are not together. He has told me that he doesnt love me and that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. I am having a hard time letting go of the man I thought he was. The man I fell in love with. The man who said he would never do this. I keep asking myself....What did I do wrong? Any advice would be helpful.

Dear amyyukish,
First of all I would like to say how sorry I am about what is happening to you.
It's so difficult to understand betrayal, and I know all too well how horrible it feels.
Like someone pulled a rug out from under your feet..
But I wanted to remind you of what is important right now,(since we tend to drift)you have a daughter that you need to protect, not only from your boyfriend, but also from yourself..
What I mean when I say that is, she is absorbing everything that is going on, and will learn to handle situations in her life from watching you..
First of all I advice you to take a deep breath, then please accept that this was by "No Means" your fault!
How could that be possible, he is the one that lied, betrayed, and then tried to cover up his awful behavior by becoming violent??
"He must be extremely humiliated" and with due reason..
Let things cool down, stay calm, and allow him to digest his behavior..
There is something very important that the universe is trying to tell you here, you need to look at this behavior carefully and determine if this is who you want to marry and share your child's life with..
Good luck dear..
Hi
I'm sorry to hear that this man you really cared about let you down. I think the best way to start to get past this is to see him for who he really is. He is not the man you fell in love with. He may have once been that man, but that man no longer exists.
You asked him about the website, indirectly and he had an opportunity to confess his actions. Instead he withheld the truth and by doing this also withheld the fact that he no longer is satisfied with the relationship. He is a coward.
Then this sorry to say, jerk, has the audacity to turn things around and tell you that it is your parents’ situation that makes you paranoid. This shows how he cannot take responsibility for his own actions and puts blame on you for it, to ease his own conscience.
Furthermore, he brings up something from your family life that you perhaps may not have wished to discuss, b/c what happened with your parents has absolutely no relevance to what happens here, but he tries to connect this into your situation to make you appear bad. Being the nice guy he is, he makes you the ‘bad guy’ so that the fault for the whole thing would be yours not his.
Once he discovered he can no longer dupe you into believing his version of the truth and then conveniently dumping you once he decides it is over and he finds someone new, he proceeds to take out his frustration and anger on the house where you live. That is immature and totally unacceptable. Then he tells you the truth finally (by the way probably just to be really cruel to you, b/c by now it is obvious to you that he does not care), he proceeds to tell you he does not love you and does not want to be in a relationship with you.
Good riddance, what a piece of work he is! Yeah, so now he is honest all of the sudden, how marvelous! Yeah you should be so thankful now that he finally decided to be honest, yeah right! The guy has no idea what honesty means obviously, that real honesty is telling the truth from the start and lying by omission is not being honest.
Coming back to you and what you did to deserve this: the answer is nothing! You did absolutely nothing to deserve being lied to and being terrorized in your home. It is all his own doing. He is the one responsible not you. He finally showed to you who he really is, a guy with no guts to be honest about his real feelings, until he is pushed into a corner, a self-centered a-hole who has to find someone new before he even ends a relationship b/c he does not have the courage nor the knowledge how to end a relationship causing the least possible amount of hurt to someone else.
It is unfortunate that he turned out to be such a jerk, but thankfully you found this out now, not after you got married. Gosh, imagine you said: ‘I do’ and he runs around with people from the Internet. I know you have feelings for him, but you deserve so much better than what he did to you. He is a dangerous guy, when he gets angry and everything flies. He has some problems with anger management and it is best to stir clear from this guy.
Do not blame yourself for the ending of this relationship. It takes two people to make things work and no one is perfect. By his behavior he has shown you he is incapable of being a good guy to you, and you do not deserve this. Take care of yourself.
I know exactly how you feel..
It's been 4 months for me and I'm still fighting the pain, but I will tell you this:
Whenever we have a loss, we have something to gain, and whenever we have a gain there is something lost..
You have an empty feeling in your heart right now (as do I) but I have to believe, for both of us, that this change means the emptiness will be filled with something/someone wonderful..
Take Care of yourself