How important is his past?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How important is his past?
11
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:39pm
I'm curious. I'm with this great new guy, and he is amazing and seems completely head over heels with me. However, he recently got out of a relationship and from what I can tell, he was a total jerk about it at the time. Should I ask him if he learned a lesson from his experiences? Not let my guard down? End things before he hurts me, too? Hope that he's learned from his mistakes? Basically, should I assume that our new shiny relationship is an entirely different creature than his last one, or accept that some people never change?

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Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:16pm
Can I ask how you know he was a jerk?


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:42pm

I have the same question as the other poster--HOW was he a jerk?

I don't think people change their underlying values, at least not without a whole lot of hard work. So if he did something that shows he has values that are very different from yours, I'd be concerned. I agree with the Dr. Phil-ism, that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, absent some *major* shift in values/priorities.

Sheri

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 6:45pm
Are you in NY and is his name Patrick?
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:11pm
Be cautious. Don't be naive enough to think you are the exception to the rule.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:26pm

hi

you are totally right..they never change. actually its not bcoz they dont want to change the true reason is they are scared to get hurt. they are scared to get KARMA.

so before they get totally in to you..they need to cut that cord. i talked to this guy i knowed him for about 14yrs now. he told me that somehow if he felt that his about to fall inlove with the girl and what he does was. he start ignoring the girl. crazy right? i ask him why. he said that his scared to end up getting hurt.

i mean your situation is similar with me my exbf. before we start dating his head over heels with me too. he even told me that he used to like me alot long time ago but he cannot come infront of me and introduce himself coz his dating someone and he knows that i have bf that time also i believe him coz my friend knows him and i remember my friend telling me that he has a friend that likes me a lot and i find out the was him. well its weird oneday he saw me with my son were both single. finally introduce himself with me. he used to fallow me every where i go. he calls me about 10 times a day. he even told me that his looking for someone to be with for the rest of his life and all those bull shiittt!!!

after that he knows that i'm already falling for him...his gone!! deny what he told me before. i know he loves me coz i could feel that but for some reason his to scared. he even accused me that i'm cheating. coz a male friend of mine came over my house he was my neighbor cousin. i didnt tell him that and my son kinda mention my male friend. while were watching movie. he ask me whos J. i told him. his my neighbor cousin and he ask why his there in my house. i told him he past by and bring his son to play with my son. he told me why i didnt say anything about him. well my reason is i dont want to coz i know he will think something else coz i know him. ofcourse he didnt believe me. so the time were broken up he brought up my male friend again. so what i did is i told him okay you dont trust me anyways so even its not true okay i had sex with that guy and 10 more guys.(its not true) just to stop him you know!!! he got really mad he told me that i cannot change that anymore. i told him no i'm not changing it coz anyways he doesnt trust me and its seems that i'm a cheap girl for him. I'M TIRED OF EXPLAINING MYSELF!!

i saw him last sunday in the church after our 5weeks break up. he look at me and he seem that he cannot believe i'm there at the church. well what i did i just look at him pretend i dont know him and just walk away.

so to you my friend check him out good...before you fall and get hurt. like my exbf he has history of his wife cheated coz he doesnt have time for her. he always choice his friend to be with...well he did that to me too. he rather spend time with them than spending time with me. so i guess he will never change at all

good luck




Edited 5/18/2006 7:52 pm ET by jazz_meeh
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:37pm
I would definitely keep my eyes open and your wits about you...no they don't change...I knew of the sort of 'reputation' my ex had, but he seemed very sincere and open to discuss things, would always say how he sees things differently now that he's with me he is trying to make that change to be more mature in relationships, not a jerk and continue his old patterns...well you can guess what happened...then you look back and hindsight is 20/20...I can see all the signs and the patterns and habits he never broke...I feel pretty stupid and wish someone would have had someone help open my eyes or smacked some sense into me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:15am
I agree with every other comment posted here. I think the one thing I've learned from my two relationships is how to read a guy, and if he's been a jerk in the past, what will change that? Especially if he admits to just having been a jerk recently ... who cares if he's head over heels about you ... once a jerk always a jerk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:50pm
LOL... No, I think he's from Detroit!!! Sounds like mine!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 3:06pm
did you figure it out with this guy? how was he a jerk to the last gf?
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 5:30pm

If you proceed, be very, very cautious...People shouldn't be judged by past mistakes, but they do tend to be good indicators. The last guy I dated just moved to town in December, and when we started seeing each other in February, I was the third girl he'd been with already. And the one right before me he just stopped calling--not a mature end by any means--and the other he was kind of stringing along. I knew all this, yet he seemed nuts about me, so I took a chance. Big mistake. We dated six weeks when he suddenly disappeared, so I e-mailed him and asked what was up, and he wrote me back and ended things--again, not a very mature way to deal with stuff. And he's 32, so it's not age that's the problem.

Not surprisingly, he already has a new girl--let's see how long this one lasts and how he treats her...

Just be careful. Don't get hurt.

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