How important is his past?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How important is his past?
11
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:39pm
I'm curious. I'm with this great new guy, and he is amazing and seems completely head over heels with me. However, he recently got out of a relationship and from what I can tell, he was a total jerk about it at the time. Should I ask him if he learned a lesson from his experiences? Not let my guard down? End things before he hurts me, too? Hope that he's learned from his mistakes? Basically, should I assume that our new shiny relationship is an entirely different creature than his last one, or accept that some people never change?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 5:50pm

Just noticed this thread...

I've always thought of myself as an optimistic person; someone who always tries, and is able to find the good in other people. I believe in forgiveness, and in giving people a second chance. But I've slowly come to realize that me feeling this way this does NOT mean that people can change. And I know I can still think all of these things and be positive, but that it's even more important to have REALISTIC expectations. I still think people can change, but very rarely and not without the proper motivation/effort. And the most important lesson I've learned from my experience with my ex is that YOU cannot change anybody...they have to be willing to change themselves.

Sometimes I look back on things and want to kick myself, because my ex basically told me that he was a jerk to girls back before we ever dated. We were good friends then, and he would tell me about all of his one night stands, how he treated his ex girlfriend (not well), and even how a couple of girls had formed what was a "hate club" against him! But no, of course I thought I could change him somehow; that I was "special" enough for him to treat well and that I was helping to make him a better person. He told me that he had never loved anyone before me, that he knew I was "the one," etc. And I fell for all of it. Even when his ex girlfriend contacted me, told me that he was still calling her and saying he loved her, and tried to WARN me about him, I still thought my ex had magically changed into the person I wanted him to be, and that she was just jealous and lying so I'd dump him. When we broke up, and he told me that he had never actually loved me and was falling "soooooooo in love" with his new girlfriend, I believed him and thought that he must really be changing for her.

But you know what? My ex really hasn't changed at all. It's taken me awhile to really accept this...but he is still the same person he always was. Yes, he's older, finally graduated and working, and less focused on having fun than he used to be...but his overall morals/values have not changed one bit. He still lies, does drugs, and guess what? Even though he's now engaged to the girl he started dating after me, he tells ME that he still loves me, wants me, wants to come visit, etc. In fact, the last time we spoke (a little over a week ago), that's what our whole conversation was based on.

Him telling me things like that used to get to me...but not anymore. I guess I've finally learned that I just can't trust him, and that he is never going to be the guy I thought I loved. Sure, he may have potential...but I can't wait around and hope he'll become what I want him to be. He is who he is, and he isn't going to change...not for me, not for his fiancee, and probably not for himself. It's disappointing and makes me sad...but I've accepted it. I no longer want to be with him, because he isn't what/who I want. I used to take it somewhat personally that he wasn't willing to change for me...but I've realized that if he ever does change, it needs to be for himself. Until then...I'm better off.

P.S. Here's some advice I always read over whenever I'm having doubts about my ex:

"Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior: What people have done in the past is probably how they will act in the future. Not always, and be careful, because guys especially do mature, but maturation is different than a wholesale personality shift. No one changes substantially over a short period of time. Personality maturation is a glacial process."

"Actions are the true windows into the soul: Pay attention to how people treat you, and not just in the beginning, fun, chase part of the relationship."

"Whether you believe in gravity or not, when you fall, you hit the ground the same way everyone else does."

"You can not base a relationship with someone on the hope that they will change into someone else. The worst thing you can do to yourself is get obsessed with someone who's a jerk, slut, or a liar, and expect them to turn into someone else with your help. In reality, you're just lying to yourself so you don't have to admit that you made a mistake in pursuing them. You can not change people period. People have to change themselves."

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