"HOW is it over" & other questions!
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| Sun, 04-24-2005 - 4:23pm |
ok... so i need to ramble for a bit right now ...
so, i KNOW that this isnt important...and it realllly does NOT matter... but still, i cant help but wonder: "HOW IS IT OVER!?!???"
and i can already hear the responses...youll probably say: "he didnt love you," or "dont focus on it," or "it doesnt matter," or "he just wasnt the one," or "he gave up on you so move on," or "YOU thought it was good, but he didnt" ...on and on and it goes...
and quite frankly, a part of me doesnt even want to vent here - because when i do, i kinda' feel like im stuck in my "sadness" and i dont want to admit that...
but here i am.. on a sunday afternoon... and here goes:
the last two days have been pretty hard for me. even though i havent been bawling my eyes out or anything, im still nonetheless moping around the house and just feeling sad. ive had a couple days off now before i have to crunch away at my last final exam... and so ive been taking it easy, trying to spend time with friends when possible, working, etc etc... but, all of that just feels absolutely crappy...it feels awful because i know that before, every spare minute i had was spent with HIM. see, we're at different stages in our lives - hes been done school for awhile now and works a full time 9-5 job, whereas i am still finishing up school and work only part time - and so finding time together when our schedules are mismatched can be difficult...so, we'd end up maximizing our time together by doing everything with each other.. running personal errands together, hed be reading a book while im studying on his bed, id drop by as soon as i was done a class, etc etc... soo, knowing that i have all this "free" time - just makes me ache because i know how i would have loved to be spending it all with him... :(
i spent pretty much all day yesterday at home by myself. my friends were all either with their boyfriends or studying themselves, so i was pretty much left with not much to do. i ended up sleeping for hours and hours, and when i was awake - i spent that time just watching tv. and the whole day, i felt bothered... bothered by how i was alone, bothered by how im not with him, and bothered by how his life has seemed to move on...i cant stand thinking that...how is he not missing me?? how is he just going about his day without not wanting to spend it with me??
and that leads me to the question of "HOW IS IT OVER?"
see, i just dont get it - i really dont. in the last few months that we've been back together, it was ALLLLLLLL HIM. for example, last month - we sent over 500 text messages with each other...yes, thats FIVE HUNDRED in 30 days. and you know what - heres the kicker - out of all those messages, i can honestly say that i probably initiated at most FIVE. my ex felt the need to talk to me all the time - whether it be from his work, before going to bed, as i was driving home from his place, or even from his bathtub!! IRR. and aside from him insisting i spend time with his parents (which btw, the last time i saw him was at his folk's dinner - GRRR), and aside from how he wanted to spend every moment with me, and aside from all the messages hed leave me, and aside from all the cute little things hes done for me ... the thing that bothers me the most - is how GENUINE he was. not only did i feel connected to him, but i could feel how HE was connected to ME. i could honestly feel how his heart was just happy...i understood how much he adored me... :(
and furthermore, my ex is not the "player" type. hes anything but that personna...so if he didnt feel something, and if he didnt want something - he wouldnt string it along and play pretend to lead me on and get laid. its not like that, hes not like that ... he was geniuine with us, and it breaks my heart to feel what i know he felt for me, and yet let it all go ... :(
and thats what i dont understand. how could we have been like that, and how could he felt that way for me - yet have it just be thrown all away?? and for what? because he "doesnt think itll work out in the end" ?? UGH. when we broke up last year - there was a REASON. i could see the decline in our relationship with each fight we had, and so when he broke up with me after our final fight - i could understand where he was coming from. but this time, it came out of NO WHERE. how do i accept that? how do i understand that? how do i come to terms with it??
HOW IS IT OVER!?!?!??!?!?!
and then that leads me to this question: "how is HE OKAYYY with us being OVER?!?!" he was sooo attached to me and adored me sooo much - how is it possible that hes OK with our breakup?!?! how is he doing FINE?! how does he not MISS me?! when we "finalized" our breakup, he said to me: "at first, my feelings just wanted to be with you, but my head was holding me back. but after i recognized what we needed to do, my feelings and thoughts are aligned now and im ok with letting you go." ...WTF?! how does one just "align" their feelings?!??! how is he OK with letting me go now?! I dont get it!!!!!!!!
that just HURTS me... not only to think of how OVER we are, but to realize that hes OKAY with it. he hasnt contacted me at all since the breakup - which is totallllyyy weird of him seeing that even last year when we broke up we were friends within 2 weeks! so this whole thing just BURNS. it makes me sooooooooo sad to think that hes just gone on with his life... to think of how im suddenly erased...how hes not impacted...how im forgotten :(
and heres the thing too - im not even in THAT much "pain." when i actually focus on how im hurting - i dont seem to have that physical, heartbreaking pain in my chest... instead, its just this BOTHERED feeling i have with moments of "breaking down" ... but overall, ive been handling this relatively well. but still, nonetheless, i MISS him like crazy, and im still SAD like theres no tomorrow :(
and i dont get why i cant hate him. why i cant hate our relationship. and despite the 100 reasons why im better off without him - my gut is just not convinced. no matter how rational i can be, i cant seem to believe any of the arguments for why i shouldnt be laughing with him this very moment. furthermore, i know i am capable of moving on and finding someone new...but still, i dont want to "have to" - i just miss HIM :(
the other night, i felt saddened...i was going through some pictures and realized how i actually am quite pretty. i know that sounds sooo cocky - and i apologize, im really not like "that." but, its the truth. i am goodlooking, and honestly - im a overall great catch. i KNOW this. im attractive, intelligent, - ive got a great personality, and i have a lot going for me - i KNOW im a valuable commodity! hec, ive never even gone through an extended period in my life when there isnt a single guy who is "into" me...for as long as i can remember, if i dont have a boyfriend, or if im not dating someone, there is at least one guy out there who is interested in me... and not just any guy too, all the greatest of guys! but, it doesnt matter!! none of that does..not even my "perfect guy" can top off my ex... and it doesnt seem to matter how confidant i am, - i just miss HIM :( why wont i make time for all the guys who want to spend time with me? why cant i want them back too? why do i not care to laugh with them as i used to with my ex?? ..even though i know on a logical level that our breakup is as much of his loss as it is mine...i still cant help but feel like its ALL MY loss :(
i dont seem to understand any of this. HOW are we over? HOW can HE be OK with it? how am I not over it?? i just miss him sooo badly... i want to call him right now and just speak with him. i feel like bawling a bit. i just ache - theres just this unsettling feeling in me that i wish i could simply rip out... i know it DOESNT mATTer, and that all i have to do is understand that its DONE and keep moving on .. but still, i cant help but sit here still hurt and confused... :(
thanks for the vent! :)
hugs to everyone,
eeksj

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*HUGS*
Keep your chin up...
Perfect Girl
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
in your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
all your expectations bury me
Chorus
Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them round till Im the one who brings you down
Make me feel like Im the one to blame for all of this
Chorus
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
how did I go wrong in loving you
Chorus
You *know* the answer to this, you even put it in your post, so I'm not going to reiterate it...but I have a question for you...have you tried the thought-stopping technique I suggested? I really think it would benefit you if you work at it every single day.
Sheri
i actually have...but they dont seem to work for me.
first, i really cant come up with any useful cards... no matter how hard i rack my brain, he just doesnt have any qualities that i can hold against him... and even when i find something to write down - such as "he chews with his mouth open" - its still not something that i hold against him ... and i dont have any "bad" memories of things he did to me .. last year, when we broke up for the first time i could have listed some - thats why we broke up! but this year, there is nothing .. ever since we got back together, everything's been smooth sailing and soo perfect....and hence, why this is THAT much more confusing and THAT much more difficult.
ive tried to set aside time to "think/mourn" about him - but then i find myself still thinking about him at other times in the day!! and then i try to stop myself by saying something outloud ... and that works temporarily - but seems to creep up back on me 10 mins later...
in the end, i just feel more frustrated than anything. and it seems to make me more upset!
UGGGH.
eeksj
So? You need to just stop yourself again, 100 times a day if necessary (and believe me, I've been there). You need to do it every day and force yourself for the first 10 days or so...but it does work if you stick with it. Without you even being aware of it, the thoughts will come less frequently, and you'll actually find yourself going a whole day without thinking about him (I know that seems impossible at this point, it did to me too...but it works).
Sheri
And a PS on the index cards...ok, so if there REALLY is NOTHING about him that is negative (I would use the old stuff, personally), maybe you only have ONE...that says "HE BROKE UP WITH ME...that alone makes him not right for me."
Remember, that does NOT make you "bad" or "wrong"...it just makes the two of you not right for each other.
Sheri
i broke up with someone a month ago and i can't understand how he can live without me when i am failing at surviving most of the time... i want him to miss me i want him to think aboiut me so on occasions i have been so weak and txt him meaningful msg's to try and make him consider havin me back in his life... and i hate feeling like this it sucks.. i looka back like 2 months ago and ache to have my old lifge and routine back where our lives revolved around each other and i was content.. u know, not happy happiness is a mood but content is like a state of being. so i know how u r feeling but i dont know how to solve it, i wish i did because i hate bein the negative person i've turned into since i've been alone... so i really feel for u and i hope your pain goes away good luck xoxoxoxox
Hey girl.
Sorry to read about your stress! Breakups are always so much worse when the other is resolved in the decision that it be over. During my breakup, I asked my ex if he wanted to work it out. He said no because his feelings had changed. I couldn't for the life of me understand how in the span of about a month, a feeling as strong as love could just disappear. But it had for him. And that's just something that I had to accept. And when I did, I realized that there was nothing there to fight for anyway...no matter what, you can't brow beat someone into staying with you - and it's a waste of time to try to change someone's mind. They have a right to feel however they want to.
One thing to be sure of...he's hurting too. It's no surprise that he hasn't contacted you...if he wants it to be over, what's the use of continuing to talk? It's hard to refocus if your distraction is constantly in your face. But believe it or not, it's better that way. After my ex said that his feelings had changed, I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore (he wanted to have "several conversations about the breakup" but I didn't see the use in that). That distance that I created was the main thing that helped me get over him. I still thought about him, but I felt empowered every time I resisted the urge to call him. About a month and a half ago he called and left a very pitiful sounding message on my answering machine about how he couldn't believe that I hadn't called him and what about the bond that we had and he thought we were still friends and blah, blah, blah. That definitely made the restraint all worth it ;0) Believe me, "out of sight, out of mind" will eventually ring true.
It will get easier and you will develop an eye for those cute boys that are checkin' you. I'm sure you're fabulous and you'll get tired of being sad. It's been almost 4 months since my breakup and I'm happily dating several new guys now. So pay your dues with the suffering now, refocus and come out on the other side better than before.
Concentrate on those exams and hang in there!
Stacy
Stacy, what a great reply to Eeeksj.
i went thru exactly the same as you, it's been three weeks today. He loved me so much in December that he was moving in and we were trying to get pregnant. he loved me in January, February and March but then he didn't love me in April! Go figure. Actually he said he still lvoed me but that it woudln't work and "one of us had to be strong"!!!!!
Oh and some schmaltz about how he still loved me "in his own way" whatever the f that means?!!! Does that mean anything??"????
He kept contacting me too (because he still cared for me so very much!) until I told him not to contact me again, ever. I still miss him and love him. And Eeksj words could be exactly mine. i can't work it out either! How does someone go from loving you one minute to not caring about you at all the next???? How does that happen?
it is the most horrible feeling when someone stops loving you. The way they talk to you, touch you, everything is different and it is so incredibly painful so it's better to get right away from them and stop all contact.
I am so humiliated that i even begged him not to leave me - can you believe it?! We'd been together over two years and only recently been trying to get pregnant. How could he just walk away from me?! I'm so ashamed of my behaviour. But at least I got strong enough to eventually tell him to stop contacting me.
I've been a total mess, crying all the time. My business has nearly fallen apart. All this has happened at the worst possible time, i'm being sued, I've had major staff problems, etc etc.
Great timing on his behalf eh?!
But reading how you handled it Stacy is making me feel stronger. There is a future I just have to get there. And somehow I have to figure out how to let go and stop trying to work out why.
Louise
wow... i'm so glad you posted that vent bc you took the words right out of my mouth..... the one resonating thought i cant shake is "am i that easy to get over?!?!?!"
like one day he thought i was so awesome, making me feel like things between us were becoming more and more serious...... to one day telling me "he doesnt see a future with us" that "i'm not the one"
how dare he??!!? lol....... i know it sounds awful, but like you i'm also a pretty girl (not trying to be cocky), well educated, smart funny, always have cute guys after me, and could pretty much get any guy i want.... yet i wanted him...... he was perfect in many ways.... i tried to make a CONS list about him and put all these things that i dont like about him, yet they really didnt substantiate me wanting to end it...... i'm neither sitting here crying and i go out with my friends and meet guys and even have an ex-boyfriend that loves me and wants me back..... yet i just want this guy to call me and tell me that he made a mistake....... i know i need to accept that its over but its just sooo hard...... partly because he was the one doing the rejecting so on top of getting over someone you still want to be with, a whole new slew of emotions comes from him rejecting me....... i don't know how long it will take but i cant wait till i'm over him and don't care anymore.........
in my life, only 3 guys broke up with me..... my first love in high school, which took me 2 years to get over and another guy in high school which took me almost a year to get over..... and now this guy....... i know those odds arent very good but its mostly due to the guy rejecting me....... even if the person and you wouldnt work out, the fact that he can so easily make the decision to end things drives me up the wall........ like "wow he's really sure there's no future that he didnt even want to give it a try, he just deaded things" and thats the worst feeling to have........ it sucks accepting it..... and i know all my friends are saying "you will be stronger after going through this" "its his loss because he doesnt realize what he had" "he's not the first guy and you will meet so many others and look back on this and think it was so silly and laugh" and i know they are right but its just so difficult to accept......
exactly...the question of "HOW is it over?!" just BURNS!
ultimately, i understand on a logical level that it does NOT matter; that i must accept our end regardless of its reasons and i must move on ... however, i cant help but sit there and remember all our great memories and all the great ways he was with me just days before deciding that he "cant convince himself it will work," - and im like, "WTF?!"
how do we go from him always feeling the need to message me (even from his bathtub!), to him deciding that im not IT? how did we go from him and i seeing each other 6 days a week and doing everything together - to him deciding that hes OK with me not in his life?? how did we go from him adoring me - to him letting go of his feelings for me???
and im not some delusional woman either - im not the one who sat here misinterpretting his feelings for me...HE even TOLD my bestfriend(volunatarily might i add!) how much his "heart aches for me," and how he "cant specifically find anything wrong with me or our relationship," and how i "make him happy," and how he "loves spending his time with me." - so i know these things were true!! and even beyond him vocalizing his feelings for me, i FEEL it...in my gut..in my intuition - i just KNEW how much i meant to him...
so how in the world does my ex decide to cast away all feelings for me? how is he OKAY with letting me go?? how is he not missing me now?! how is he rejecting ME!? HOW IS HE MOVING ON???!!!
i KNOW that it doesnt matter, and i shouldnt dwell on this - but still, i cant help those moments when i slip and i do!
but yes, its even more frustrating to think of how much i adore him and how i cant even come up with a list of reasons to not be with him...i HONESTLY cannot find enough substantial "evidence" that amounts to me wanting to not be with him...so right now, on a stack of index cards ive decided to write more "empowering" words rather than "reasons to hate him." my cards now read such items as: "hes not right for me if he wants to end things," "better to hurt now, than that much more later," etc.
and furthermore, im frustrated at the fact that i cant seem to even slightly desire all the other men who do adore me... i KNOW im a GREAT catch (not to be cocky!). i may not be the world's greatest woman, or some hot blonde bombshell - but really, theres always at least one guy who is interested in me...i know of a ton of guys who put me on their top-notch list - yet, none of these guys seem to matter. not even the one guy who actually fits the "epiphany" of my ideal man! i dont give any of these guys the time of my day like i did for my ex..i appreciate their attention, and nothing more...nothing seems to "fit" the way my ex did...not even the cutest, most successful, or sweetest man fits HIS mold... :(
like you said, its a bit of a ego trip..kinda like, how do YOU dump ME?! its the rejection thats just the kicker to the boot... but despite how much of a commodity i do realize i am, i cant help but feel like its all my loss :( its a lose-lose situation!
some days im fine, other days im weak... i honestly canNOT wait til im OVERRRRRRRR him for good. my ex was the world to me... he was the only person whom i could have even imagined to ever feel that way for... we connected at levels that i know we do not with other people...he is the only person whom i would have compromised some of myself for a future with him (we're in different stages of our lives, and i would have considered marraige way beyond any year that i originally planned for, etc etc) ... but its done. despite his feelings for me (and i do believe in how much he cared about me) - it doesnt seem to matter. depsite our great memories, ..its over. i must move on ... but goshdarnit, why cant this process be easier?!
eeks!
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