"HOW is it over" & other questions!
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 04-24-2005 - 4:23pm |
ok... so i need to ramble for a bit right now ...
so, i KNOW that this isnt important...and it realllly does NOT matter... but still, i cant help but wonder: "HOW IS IT OVER!?!???"
and i can already hear the responses...youll probably say: "he didnt love you," or "dont focus on it," or "it doesnt matter," or "he just wasnt the one," or "he gave up on you so move on," or "YOU thought it was good, but he didnt" ...on and on and it goes...
and quite frankly, a part of me doesnt even want to vent here - because when i do, i kinda' feel like im stuck in my "sadness" and i dont want to admit that...
but here i am.. on a sunday afternoon... and here goes:
the last two days have been pretty hard for me. even though i havent been bawling my eyes out or anything, im still nonetheless moping around the house and just feeling sad. ive had a couple days off now before i have to crunch away at my last final exam... and so ive been taking it easy, trying to spend time with friends when possible, working, etc etc... but, all of that just feels absolutely crappy...it feels awful because i know that before, every spare minute i had was spent with HIM. see, we're at different stages in our lives - hes been done school for awhile now and works a full time 9-5 job, whereas i am still finishing up school and work only part time - and so finding time together when our schedules are mismatched can be difficult...so, we'd end up maximizing our time together by doing everything with each other.. running personal errands together, hed be reading a book while im studying on his bed, id drop by as soon as i was done a class, etc etc... soo, knowing that i have all this "free" time - just makes me ache because i know how i would have loved to be spending it all with him... :(
i spent pretty much all day yesterday at home by myself. my friends were all either with their boyfriends or studying themselves, so i was pretty much left with not much to do. i ended up sleeping for hours and hours, and when i was awake - i spent that time just watching tv. and the whole day, i felt bothered... bothered by how i was alone, bothered by how im not with him, and bothered by how his life has seemed to move on...i cant stand thinking that...how is he not missing me?? how is he just going about his day without not wanting to spend it with me??
and that leads me to the question of "HOW IS IT OVER?"
see, i just dont get it - i really dont. in the last few months that we've been back together, it was ALLLLLLLL HIM. for example, last month - we sent over 500 text messages with each other...yes, thats FIVE HUNDRED in 30 days. and you know what - heres the kicker - out of all those messages, i can honestly say that i probably initiated at most FIVE. my ex felt the need to talk to me all the time - whether it be from his work, before going to bed, as i was driving home from his place, or even from his bathtub!! IRR. and aside from him insisting i spend time with his parents (which btw, the last time i saw him was at his folk's dinner - GRRR), and aside from how he wanted to spend every moment with me, and aside from all the messages hed leave me, and aside from all the cute little things hes done for me ... the thing that bothers me the most - is how GENUINE he was. not only did i feel connected to him, but i could feel how HE was connected to ME. i could honestly feel how his heart was just happy...i understood how much he adored me... :(
and furthermore, my ex is not the "player" type. hes anything but that personna...so if he didnt feel something, and if he didnt want something - he wouldnt string it along and play pretend to lead me on and get laid. its not like that, hes not like that ... he was geniuine with us, and it breaks my heart to feel what i know he felt for me, and yet let it all go ... :(
and thats what i dont understand. how could we have been like that, and how could he felt that way for me - yet have it just be thrown all away?? and for what? because he "doesnt think itll work out in the end" ?? UGH. when we broke up last year - there was a REASON. i could see the decline in our relationship with each fight we had, and so when he broke up with me after our final fight - i could understand where he was coming from. but this time, it came out of NO WHERE. how do i accept that? how do i understand that? how do i come to terms with it??
HOW IS IT OVER!?!?!??!?!?!
and then that leads me to this question: "how is HE OKAYYY with us being OVER?!?!" he was sooo attached to me and adored me sooo much - how is it possible that hes OK with our breakup?!?! how is he doing FINE?! how does he not MISS me?! when we "finalized" our breakup, he said to me: "at first, my feelings just wanted to be with you, but my head was holding me back. but after i recognized what we needed to do, my feelings and thoughts are aligned now and im ok with letting you go." ...WTF?! how does one just "align" their feelings?!??! how is he OK with letting me go now?! I dont get it!!!!!!!!
that just HURTS me... not only to think of how OVER we are, but to realize that hes OKAY with it. he hasnt contacted me at all since the breakup - which is totallllyyy weird of him seeing that even last year when we broke up we were friends within 2 weeks! so this whole thing just BURNS. it makes me sooooooooo sad to think that hes just gone on with his life... to think of how im suddenly erased...how hes not impacted...how im forgotten :(
and heres the thing too - im not even in THAT much "pain." when i actually focus on how im hurting - i dont seem to have that physical, heartbreaking pain in my chest... instead, its just this BOTHERED feeling i have with moments of "breaking down" ... but overall, ive been handling this relatively well. but still, nonetheless, i MISS him like crazy, and im still SAD like theres no tomorrow :(
and i dont get why i cant hate him. why i cant hate our relationship. and despite the 100 reasons why im better off without him - my gut is just not convinced. no matter how rational i can be, i cant seem to believe any of the arguments for why i shouldnt be laughing with him this very moment. furthermore, i know i am capable of moving on and finding someone new...but still, i dont want to "have to" - i just miss HIM :(
the other night, i felt saddened...i was going through some pictures and realized how i actually am quite pretty. i know that sounds sooo cocky - and i apologize, im really not like "that." but, its the truth. i am goodlooking, and honestly - im a overall great catch. i KNOW this. im attractive, intelligent, - ive got a great personality, and i have a lot going for me - i KNOW im a valuable commodity! hec, ive never even gone through an extended period in my life when there isnt a single guy who is "into" me...for as long as i can remember, if i dont have a boyfriend, or if im not dating someone, there is at least one guy out there who is interested in me... and not just any guy too, all the greatest of guys! but, it doesnt matter!! none of that does..not even my "perfect guy" can top off my ex... and it doesnt seem to matter how confidant i am, - i just miss HIM :( why wont i make time for all the guys who want to spend time with me? why cant i want them back too? why do i not care to laugh with them as i used to with my ex?? ..even though i know on a logical level that our breakup is as much of his loss as it is mine...i still cant help but feel like its ALL MY loss :(
i dont seem to understand any of this. HOW are we over? HOW can HE be OK with it? how am I not over it?? i just miss him sooo badly... i want to call him right now and just speak with him. i feel like bawling a bit. i just ache - theres just this unsettling feeling in me that i wish i could simply rip out... i know it DOESNT mATTer, and that all i have to do is understand that its DONE and keep moving on .. but still, i cant help but sit here still hurt and confused... :(
thanks for the vent! :)
hugs to everyone,
eeksj

Pages
I hear you! As for all those guys, hey don't shut the door. ;) Perhaps one day when you're ready for it you might find a good one in that pile. Send one over here too, would you please?
Pages