How to "just get over it"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
How to "just get over it"
4
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:22pm
I've been broken up with my ex for almost 2 years now. I always considered him to be the love of my life. I still do. I'm still in love with him and at a total loss. I'm tired of feeling this way. All my friends tell me to "just get over it", but it's not like I can flip a switch off and my feelings will disappear. I was doing really well until earlier this year when a woman that C and I both knew very slightly took it upon herself to try and get us back together. Because of that drama we started talking again and even had lunch together. That brought all of my old feelings back and then, without warning, he quit talking to me again, which I'm sure probably has something to do with person who was trying to hook us back up. The thing of it is, is that he told me on 2 separate occassions that we really needed to talk, and then he never called or responded to my calls. I've been trying to have NC, but it's really difficult for me. I did call him last week because my Grandpa, who C met and always really liked, is dying and, in one of his more lucid moments, asked about C and told me to tell him 'hello from Grandpa'. So I left a voicemail explaining the situation and passing on Grandpa's message. No response, which I wasn't really expecting, but hoping for anyway. That's the only contact I've had with him in a couple of months. I keep hoping that I run into him somewhere so maybe we can talk. So how can I "just get over it"?? In my mind, I understand that by him not calling and not returning my calls he's giving me his answer, I KNOW this, but my heart tells me not to give up on him. And right now my heart is screaming louder than my mind ever could. Please help!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:17pm
Unfortunately, these things are hard to get over. You are right you can't "just get over it." It's a burning feeling that eats away at you and it can also seem like the most devestating experience ever. I am just getting some closure after my break up of a two-year relationship. It has been 4 weeks, and believe me I truly love him, but you have to make yourself feel better. I know it's easier said than done. I just kept busy and read a lot of self help books. I even ordered a couple of tapes from my favorite pastor. Now, I wake up every morning and make it a point to tell myself I am fabulous and a wonderful person and it was his lost. You have to do the same. Know that you did your best and it's okay to always love him. You don't have to be with him to love him. Though, you may not want to right now, think of the good times. It will keep you from being bitter. Believe me the saying is true "Time heals all wounds". When it's finally over, you won't believe you spent so much time thinking about it. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:19pm
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. Trying to get back together, or those short, pointless contacts with your ex, just prolongs the misery. I'm going to say something, and I don't mean this as a slight at all - if it's taking you more than a year to get over a relationship, you should see a therapist and get help with this. There's no shame in needing help sometimes, and I think you know that two years of unhappiness and longing is really a waste of your precious life. You deserve to be happy.

I know that you had an amazing, special relationship with this man, and you believed he was the one for you. Unfortunately, you've suffered a disappointment. Unfortunately, life is too often filled with disappointments. Try to put this in perspective - our romantic partnerships are one facet of our lives, but they aren't everything, and if you're relying upon a successful romantic partnership for all meaning and joy in your life, you're wasting your precious time on earth. You need to find something (several somethings, in fact) that make your life pleasurable almost every day. Maybe that's rethinking your career choice, maybe it's volunteering with a civic organization, exploring religion/spirituality, taking up a creative new hobby, travelling, spending more time out in nature, getting a pet (adopt from an animal shelter!), or whatever. You have to create meaning in your life, you can't wait for another person to provide it to you through romantic attachment. Once you have a full and rich life, you will believe that this one person is not the only person on this vast earth with whom you could form a happy and lasting romantic bond. It is a shock to lose an intimate relationship, and it can seem like you'll never find anyone like him, but you absolutely will find other compatible partners out there if you have faith and get out there. You cannot let your life end because one romantic involvement did not work out in the end. When you find a compatible partner who also believes you're "the one," these past disappointments will all be water under the bridge.

Like it or not, life goes on, and we have to keep on living even through our disappointments. People survive loss of their jobs, major illnesses, deaths of friends or relatives, financial hardships, and any number of terrible disappointments, and they struggle on to move forward and rebuild. You must see your romantic loss in the same way, and do the same to find joy in your life. You are NOT your relationship, "true love" is NOT the only point of your existence, get out there and become a healthy and well-rounded adult with something to offer the world, and your romantic relationships will take their proper place as just one small part of a rich and rewarding life.

Again, at this point, I think you need professional help. But don't keep pinning your hopes on whatever "important" thing your ex wanted to say to you - if it truly were important, he would have said it before now. If he wanted you back in his life, you wouldn't be sitting around wondering where he was - you're impatient, he would be too if he'd decided that you were "it" for him, and you wouldn't be cooling your heels for months wondering what's on his mind. Accept that this is done, it's not the end of the world, and get some help in moving on from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:20am
EXCELLANT CHOICE OF WORDS!!! You really have inspired me, I like what you said and it was very encouraging and uplifting. Thank you you have helped me with my thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:39am
By this time, you should be healed and ready to move on with your life. It has been two years, and that should of been enough time to get over your ex. You may need counseling, but if you don't feel like you do then you will be suffering for the rest of your life and you need to do whatever it takes to try and move on. I know it's hard, but two years is a long time to want someone and you may need that extra boost to get over him. Do what you need and hopefully it won't continue to consume your life. Take care and may god be with you