How to "just get over it"
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How to "just get over it"
| Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:22pm |
I've been broken up with my ex for almost 2 years now. I always considered him to be the love of my life. I still do. I'm still in love with him and at a total loss. I'm tired of feeling this way. All my friends tell me to "just get over it", but it's not like I can flip a switch off and my feelings will disappear. I was doing really well until earlier this year when a woman that C and I both knew very slightly took it upon herself to try and get us back together. Because of that drama we started talking again and even had lunch together. That brought all of my old feelings back and then, without warning, he quit talking to me again, which I'm sure probably has something to do with person who was trying to hook us back up. The thing of it is, is that he told me on 2 separate occassions that we really needed to talk, and then he never called or responded to my calls. I've been trying to have NC, but it's really difficult for me. I did call him last week because my Grandpa, who C met and always really liked, is dying and, in one of his more lucid moments, asked about C and told me to tell him 'hello from Grandpa'. So I left a voicemail explaining the situation and passing on Grandpa's message. No response, which I wasn't really expecting, but hoping for anyway. That's the only contact I've had with him in a couple of months. I keep hoping that I run into him somewhere so maybe we can talk. So how can I "just get over it"?? In my mind, I understand that by him not calling and not returning my calls he's giving me his answer, I KNOW this, but my heart tells me not to give up on him. And right now my heart is screaming louder than my mind ever could. Please help!!!!!!

I know that you had an amazing, special relationship with this man, and you believed he was the one for you. Unfortunately, you've suffered a disappointment. Unfortunately, life is too often filled with disappointments. Try to put this in perspective - our romantic partnerships are one facet of our lives, but they aren't everything, and if you're relying upon a successful romantic partnership for all meaning and joy in your life, you're wasting your precious time on earth. You need to find something (several somethings, in fact) that make your life pleasurable almost every day. Maybe that's rethinking your career choice, maybe it's volunteering with a civic organization, exploring religion/spirituality, taking up a creative new hobby, travelling, spending more time out in nature, getting a pet (adopt from an animal shelter!), or whatever. You have to create meaning in your life, you can't wait for another person to provide it to you through romantic attachment. Once you have a full and rich life, you will believe that this one person is not the only person on this vast earth with whom you could form a happy and lasting romantic bond. It is a shock to lose an intimate relationship, and it can seem like you'll never find anyone like him, but you absolutely will find other compatible partners out there if you have faith and get out there. You cannot let your life end because one romantic involvement did not work out in the end. When you find a compatible partner who also believes you're "the one," these past disappointments will all be water under the bridge.
Like it or not, life goes on, and we have to keep on living even through our disappointments. People survive loss of their jobs, major illnesses, deaths of friends or relatives, financial hardships, and any number of terrible disappointments, and they struggle on to move forward and rebuild. You must see your romantic loss in the same way, and do the same to find joy in your life. You are NOT your relationship, "true love" is NOT the only point of your existence, get out there and become a healthy and well-rounded adult with something to offer the world, and your romantic relationships will take their proper place as just one small part of a rich and rewarding life.
Again, at this point, I think you need professional help. But don't keep pinning your hopes on whatever "important" thing your ex wanted to say to you - if it truly were important, he would have said it before now. If he wanted you back in his life, you wouldn't be sitting around wondering where he was - you're impatient, he would be too if he'd decided that you were "it" for him, and you wouldn't be cooling your heels for months wondering what's on his mind. Accept that this is done, it's not the end of the world, and get some help in moving on from here.