How long?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How long?
10
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:27pm
For those of you who are further along this post-breakup journey of horror, tell me something, how long does it take to heal? Does it have something to do with how long you were involved? It should, right? That's only logical.

How long did the pain last? Were there different types of pain? Did it come and go? How many of you have contacted your ex after the breakup? Tell me when this pain will end, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
In reply to: iamdelightful
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:35pm
I remember a study somewhere that it roughly takes half of the time to heal that your actual relationship lasted. So, since I dated for 2 years, supposedly, it should take me a year to get over the hurt.

Here's to hoping this study is wrong! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
In reply to: iamdelightful
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:44pm
I knwo you dont want to hear this cause I certainly didnt, but it takes however longit takes. There is no set time but I think the key thing is letting go and NOT wanting him back.

I'm still struggling through that with my heart even though my head has been positivefor several months that there is no awy it could work. Its still hard though, every day. Its been almost 4 months and we havent seen eachother eachother since. THe last contact of any kind was an email/letter maybe 2 weeks after. Thats it.

I don't feel like i've made that much progress in the past month relatively speaking. I still cry occasionally (few times a week?) and htink about hima lot.

BUt for my own sanity i cut off all ties including mutual friends for now to ease the transition. Hopefully son i can contact them again and be friends with no hidden agenda on my part.

I think its important to allow yourself to feel, but don't wallow. Let the feeling come and go (including the good ones) and keep moving on. Keep busy but also respect your need for privacy and time alone. Thats key.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamdelightful
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:47pm
As someone else posted, there's really no set time, but I have found that the rule of thumb that it takes half the time you were in the r'ship is pretty accurate, at least for r'ships of up to two years or so.

However, if you have contact with your ex, that works to increase the amount of time it takes.

I've also found that the pain isn't at a constant level...it's up and down. And recovery isn't a straight line...you can be doing better for a week or two and then wham, you have a couple really bleak days. But the more time that passes since you last had contact, the more good days you'll have and the bad days will be fewer and farther between.

It basically takes three things to get over someone (and you have to have all three): time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other.

Hang in there...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
In reply to: iamdelightful
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:40pm
Crap...I am "0" for 3! Lol! Ok, maybe 1 of 3! (NC)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
In reply to: iamdelightful
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:31am


There is not a rule. Some people need more time and others less time. It seems that men get over women so easily and quickly.

In my case, my first break up was horrible. I was in pain for FIVE long years, crying every single day for the first two years and being miserable the last three years. Then I decided that that situation couldn't continue anymore and looked for professional help. It was destroying my life, I was obsessed with that guy, although I never contacted him during the five years. Psychological therapy helped me to get over him.

My second break up (that's why I am here now) was a month ago, this relationship was more important and meaningful that the first one, and I really loved the guy, however I have reacted in an incredible mature way. I cried and felt devastated for two weeks but now I feel like I am really getting over him. I feel positive and my world has not fallen apart. It does not mean that I don't love my ex anymore, it just means that I broke that silly emotional attachment that we build around a person. I decided to take control of my mind and emotions. Maybe it helps that I practice buddhist meditation and see the world in a different way. I really feel proud of myself.

So coming back to your original question, it can take five years or it can take a month. It just depends on YOU and your intention to control your life and stand on your own.

Iliana

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamdelightful
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:20pm
Actually, what I once heard was that it takes about 1/5 the time that the relationship lasted. So it you were in it for 5 years it would take a year to recover. But as most of the other posters have said, there probably isn't a set number of months or years. My last relationship lasted about 18 months and took a year to get over. The relationship before that lasted 3 years and took about four months to get over. I think it really depends on the relationship and the circumstances surrounding the breakup. I also think it matters who ended. When you are the one who was left it can take longer to heal.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamdelightful
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:22pm
Thanks for your post. I think you're right, that it takes as long as it takes. But at the beginning it really and truly feels like the pain will never end. I find that being on Day 2 now that it was easier than Day 1. Having friends helps A LOT. Whenever I go through a breakup ... and I've been through too many to remember, I can't sleep alone at home. Luckily I have two good friends I can stay overnight with. That makes a world of difference.

I hope you begin to heal and forget about the pain. How long were you in your relationship?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamdelightful
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:28pm
I have also noticed that there are ups and downs. When I'm going through the downs though it can hurt so much that I feel like I'm going to die if I don't hear from him. I think your rule of threes is very good: time, no contact and acceptance that the two of you aren't right for each other.

Since I'm at the beginning I don't yet have time on my side. Since I'm texting him I don't really have no contact and I guess I haven't really accepted that we're not right for each other. I think that part of the problem is that my relationship was so knew. We had been seeing each other for about 2 1/2 months. Although some people would say, If you're having that trouble so early on in the relationship it's not a good sign, I tend to think that perhaps since we're older we have more issues to work out.

I am hopeful that he will be willing to seek therapy with me. But I know that with each day that goes by I am probably less likely to hear from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
In reply to: iamdelightful
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:44pm
I wonder if the length of time it takes to get over the breakup reflects the actual quality/love of the actual relationship? I am thinking so.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamdelightful
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:53pm
That's an interesting question and I've often wondered it myself, but I'm sure it has nothing to do with it. It's not a measure of the worth of the person or the quality of your love I think. I think it's probably more complicated and involves how long you were together, what the relationship was like, whether you have abandonment issues or other issues from the past, your level of self-esteem, the quality of your friendships, etc.

I think people with good friends and a supportive network generally heal more quickly. (Who am I to sound like the voice of reason!) I think this Board is REALLY important for people who do NOT have a large network or a few close friends.

I think also how or why the relationship ended factors into healing time. If the relationship ended due to betrayal for instance, I think that's particularly hard to get over. If the relationship ended suddenly, without warning, like the guy just disappeared, I imagine that could take a while to get over. If the relationship was headed for marriage, whatever, there are millions of scenarios out there and I think what went on in the relationship probably is the most important factor for determining how long it takes to heal. But that's just my opinion. I'm not an expert by any means!