How long does it take?!
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| Mon, 03-17-2008 - 8:30pm |
Wow, you guys must be sick of hearing from me by now! It's been over a month and a half, and I still don't feel that I'm having less bad days in a given week. Today was rough again, and I don't know what to do about it. I mean, I'm doing everything "right". I'm keeping my vow of NC, I'm doing my best to stay off websites/AIM (I only slip up occasionally), I journal regularly and have worked on visualizing putting my hopes of reconciliation out of reach during my meditation sessions--and it still hurts. How long does this ache last? When will my heart stop trying to rationalize everything and convince my brain that "maybe someday we'll get back together"? When do you stop thinking to yourself, "Being single is the worst possible thing that could happen to a girl."
He was a good man. Smart, kind, always pushed me to do the things I wanted most. We shared common interests and goals for our lives. He just wasn't interested in settling down just yet--loving someone, but not being "in love" was not something he was willing to accept. ...I just can't let it go because it seemed so right; aside from the timing bit. I try my best to convince myself that it's just not going to work out, that he hasn't so much as said, "I still love you but I just can't do this right now," and hasn't given me any indication that we might be able to fix things in the future once he's had his "break." I just. can't. let it go.
Thanks again for listening to me. It's nice to know, even if you can't make it "all better" that there are people who are going through the same things and have the same feelings. It's a good feeling that you're not the first woman in the world to have had her heart broken, and that you won't be the last.
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll

I can't answer that with any precision, but it definitely takes a HECK of a lot longer than we wish or hope it did.
Hi,
Hi Uncommonsense and Colleen,
Colleen - I am in exactly the same place as you .. I miss my life with him! I am constantly second-guessing what happened. (I broke up with him, but we were at the same place. We loved each other, but weren't in love.) I still don't know if that was right or wrong. But I loved that life, I loved being in a relationship and it was good. We had fun, did things together. I miss it!! All this to say, I feel for you.
Uncommonsense - I have read a lot of your posts over the past couple of weeks both initiated by you and from you supporting others. I don't know the answer either. I have also been hounding my friends for a timeline about when the pain will stop. No-one seems to know. But what I can say is that you have been really supportive and insightful. I bet if I started a thread asking how long you would reply without something helpful. I guess what I'm saying is maybe you are focusing on the pain and projecting it out. Maybe just focus on today and don't worry about tomorrow. One day at a time without thinking about questions you can't answer. And then one day you won't have any questions. I'm not sure this helps, but I hope so.
trillian (that's not at all related to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by any chance, is it?),
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your post was absolutely so sweet; I don't know if I deserve it, but it made me feel so good knowing that others perceive me as someone who cares about others and has something to offer them, even when sometimes I can't even figure out my own life.
Your encouragement to remain focused on the moment and not on the future was very timely as well. I think you're quite right: it's of no matter to worry about questions you can't answer. You do what you can to the best of your ability, take care of yourself, and the rest will fall in place, whether that's one month, six months, a year or two down the road.
Thanks for taking the time to post back to my thread, in any case. I've "met" some absolutely wonderful and supportive people through this board, you now included, and I often wish to myself that we could all meet up in person somewhere. But then, we'd probably end up in a big ol' heap of tears, anyway, right? :)
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Edited 3/18/2008 10:14 pm ET by uncommononsense
Hi uncommonsense,
Yes, trillian like in Hitchhikers' (wouldn't that be a great life?).
Ditto back to you ... everyone here has been great and I am truly impressed by the level of caring and support people who don't know me have provided me. This community has been a god-send.
trillian
Everyone-
Hello. I haven't posted in a while but I have always been reading. It breaks my heart to hear that so many of us are suffering and all right around the same point. Today is exactly 8 weeks for me. I am not trying to give advice or tell anyone what they should do but I just want to share my thoughts about all of this. I actually have been having a decent week. It feels good but kind of unsettling. Here goes:
--I was applying to grad schools around the time of my break-up. I actually finished all 5 that I wanted to but because my head was anywhere but where it should be, I was terrified that I wouldn't get accepted anywhere. I found out this week that I have been accepted to my first two choices! I don't know which one I will go to but I have somewhere to be in the fall, maybe as early as June!
--A cousin of mine invited me to live with her and her family in the southwest. Just opened her heart and her home to me. I am seriously considering taking it but even if I don't, her offer made me realize two things. 1) That I have SO many options out in the world. 2) There are VERY generous people in my life who will be there for me no matter what.
--I cleaned out my room and office. There are little reminders that I find of him (highlighters) that I just throw out when I find. I lost a lot of things that I loved but I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and chest. I can just breathe easier. It took me 7 weeks but it was such a good thing for me to do.
--I am keeping a full schedule. Schoolwork, work-work, friends, reading, writing, working out (that's a big one). I just stay busy busy busy. Sometimes it is hard and I get down but then I think, hey, no time like the present to go to the Y and enjoy the whirlpool, even if I didn't go running! It is all about ME right now.
Another funny thing is that I haven't cried or felt the need to talk about it all the time in a week. It just...stopped. Yes, I think about him and what happened most of the day but I am finding there will be a time when I am thinking about the brain (I have a neuro class) and NOT him. It is a little sad because that means he is fading away but I get excited for my healing process.
The two books that I have exhausted are: Its Called a Break-Up Because It Is Broken and The Break-Up Repair Kit. I re-read certain sections over and over until I realize that I couldn't have done or not done anything to prevent this. He wasn't in it for the long haul and that is what I want. I really hope I get to the point where I am happy to have even known, let alone dated, my ex because he is and was such a great man. I'm not there yet but I am realizing that he was not great FOR ME.
I hope this isn't too long and too goody two-shoeish. Interestingly enough, I have two friends who are going through this right now (plus, my ex's brother's girlfriend just called me to say that they broke up. Anyone want to know how that is affecting me, let me know) and the conclusion I've come to is that we are all unique and individuals and wonderful. Our timelines are all going to be different but I truly feel that the things I have listed, plus being on this board and going to counseling, have been like lifelines to me. Trust that the bad times will go away when they are supposed to, don't fight the tears and feel free to write/talk to anyone you know. I cried gallons until I couldn't anymore and talked to just about everyone I knew until I didn't have anything more to say. I think that was the point when things started to change.
Feel free to write anytime!
Sarah
PS Sorry this was so long.
First of all, congratulations on getting accepted to your top two grad school choices! That is really, really wonderful--and a great accomplishment. I'm sure you're excited already; I know I would be!
Secondly, I'm so glad things are starting to look up for you. You're a little ahead of me in the breakup process (I didn't quite get to the removing the mementos/throwing things out stage yet), but I'm thankful for that because it gives me hope that my healing might progress like yours has. Although it hasn't always been easy, you've handled it so gracefully. As Hemingway once said, "Courage is grace under pressure." I think you've really shown that through telling your story on these boards. I am truly so happy for you that you're beginning to see a change in your life. I hope that my own story will mimic yours soon!
Have a great night!
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
trillian,
Can I even express how awesome it is that you chose a HHGTTG user name? No, I think I cannot. :) I love Adams' books and it would indeed be a great life.
"Five to one against and falling ..." Trillian said, "four to one against and falling ... three to one ... two ... one ... probability factor of one to one ... we have normality, I repeat we have normality." She turned her microphone off - then turned it back on, with a slight smile and continued: "Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
Unfortunately in our world, everything is normality, so pretty much anything we can't cope with is our own problem. :) I wish I could blame it on improbability!
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Just don't panic, and whatever you do, bring a towel. It's just that simple right :)
illyriafred,
Of course! "A hoopy frood always knows where his towel is." Good to meet you--love meeting other Hitchhiker fans! :)
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll