How long does it take to stop hurting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
How long does it take to stop hurting?
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 1:49am

How long does it take for a broken heart to heal? Are their things to do in the interim to speed up the process? Any good strategies for coping/making it hurt less? Personal experiences are appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 4:04am

Hi Belitzer, First of all I'm sorry to hear that if you just had a brokenheart.  I can assure you that you will be fine soon.  It depends on each person or how deep is the relationship if you ask how long does it take to heal. 

From my experience, if you want heal soon, you must tell to yourself all the time to move on and look forward instead of looking back at the past and hope that the good times will come back.  Don't look at his pictures, his emails, his number, etc because those will just take you backward.   Delete his number, don't try to contact him, get rid of his pictures and put them temporary somewhere until you are ready (because when you are  healed, actually its nice to see those wonderful memories).   Cry if you want to cry, be angry at the situation if you feel like it,  you are allowed to have this mixed up feeling, just let it be.   I assure you that this bad feeling will only be there for temporary, just like all emotions.  Just be strong.  I know you can get through this.  When you healed all of this won't hurt you anymore, but you just need to give this bad feeling some time.  It will go soon, ok.  Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 11:09am

I think it's good to do things with friends so you will be having fun and not thinking about him all the time.  Do things where you  won't be reminded that you aren't in a relationship, for example, don't go to the movies on Sat. night date night, don't go to a bar.  Do something like go to a funny movie.  Physical exercise is also good--you get the endorphins.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 1:18pm

Hearts don't break!  Therefore, they don't need to heal!  Your pain is in your mind, in your head......I'm not saying that you're not in pain, but it's coming from your "thoughts".  You miss him.  You miss what you did together.  You miss being "half" of a couple.  It hurts that the relationship didn't work.  You had plans for the future, but now that's all gone, and THAT hurts.  You get over the pain when you accept that the relationship is over, whether you like that or not.  You have memories of that relationship, and you always will......but you have to make yourself understand that those things are in the past, they are no more, and now your whole life is now ahead of you......and you will make NEW memories.  Basically, you accept that it's over, and you move on with your life.  You will never forget him, or the memories you made with him, but you will remember them will accept that it was not meant to be, and it ended. 

The end of a relationship is like the death of a close person.  When a loved one dies, you mourn.  But how long you mourn is not a measure of how much you loved that person.  Mourning, just like a broken heart, lasts as long as you want it to.....or allow it to.  My favorite saying:  Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, and today is a gift, that's why it's called the "present".  Your relationship ended.  You mourn it for a while, then you realize that you learned from it, you had happy times, and now you move on with your life.  It's over!  It's History!  Now you move forward, and you will have many new experiences in life, including a relationship, or maybe two or three.  Eventually, you will find the right person to share your life with...until then, enjoy life, and learn how good life can be, even without a partner in it.  

Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013
Fri, 08-01-2014 - 5:26pm

Beltizer, it really sucks to have memories of a partner. 

But, it's up to you and only you. Only YOU can stop YOURSELF from hurting. Our fragile brains can make memories and break memories. You need to break those good memories. Read through every poster's reply to your post: each one covers aspects that are useful.

I did all what it took to erase memories: No contact, deleting everything pertaining to my xAP,  and admonishing myself when her memories came to my mind. The mind is malleable and use it to your advantage.  Banish all the thoughts and the hurt will decrease with time. Keep your mind occupied by NEW things. 

Good Luck!

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 08-17-2014 - 5:39pm

All losses require time to mourn. Some take more time.

You'll be more frustrated, and actually prolong your grief, if you try to put it on a deadline.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2014
Sun, 11-09-2014 - 2:00am

In my experience, healing is all about acceptance. Coincidentally, this is also the final stage in the 5 stages of grief. 

When my heart was broken, I went through A LOT of anger. I thought at the time if I hated him, then I wouldn't feel any pain. I would see him as a bad, disgusting person who I no longer wanted in my life. But ultimately, it only caused me more pain. In finding reasons to constantly hate him, it only kept the memories fresh and the wound wide open. 

The most freeing part came when I was talking to a friend and I finally admitted that I was still really hurting. I couldn't understand why. She said "because you still love him." I broke down crying because she was totally right. I did. And I realized I always would. 

BUT that didn't mean I had to be in touch with him. I just needed to accept that I couldn't change the past, accept my feelings of love for this person and stick it in my back pocket. Pretending I hated him was only hurting me. Carrying the anger around was weighing me down. I can't tell you how liberating it felt when I chose to forgive him and wished him well. My heart felt stronger than it had in months. 

So accept what happened, accept your feelings for this person (instead of trying to change it or get over is a GOOD thing, whether or not they deserve yours), and let the positivity wash over you. If you keep at it, things will slowly get easier. You'll move on.