How Long Does No Contact Last?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
How Long Does No Contact Last?
10
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 1:42pm

Okay looking for some info here after a bit of a debate at work this morning.....When after a breakup is it okay to stop No Contact and call that person, if you want to try and remain friends? One girl at work says 2 months the other says NEVER!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 6:43pm

hey lady,


never say never!


i think the book "it's called a break-up because it's broken" advocates 60 days. prob the community leaders on this site will tell you 30.


basically, you prob need to think of it in terms of chemistry or biology, not love. how long does it take you to get over your addiction to the adrenalin rush from him? or maybe how long does it take your brain to program new synapses? that's really what it's all about. to reroute your programming.


me? i say you need a reason to stick with no contact, no matter what the time frame. pick your evil or you'll have a hard time sticking to it. 30 at least. but if you're like me, & sounds like we're somewhat alike, you'll need to decide on a certain quality or event that is your "reason" for no contact. did he lie? did he cheat? WHY exactly are you going to do no contact?


b/c in the end, when you're tempted, you'll need a little angel sitting on your shoulder to counteract that devil that is telling you "if you just hit him baby one more time, everything will be better." then you need to program your angel to say "uhuh, sexy, you are TOO GOOD for that sh*t. you deserve better. you deserve not to be __________." or even better, here's mine... "just wait until he sees the new me, all moved into my own place, lost 5 pounds, lookin' sexier than ever & not all clingy...THAT'S what i need to wait for. the unveiling..."


that's the only way i'm able to keep NC. actually, i haven't really with this guy, lol. i had to start over this weekend. blah. but the last one, yeah. he was a cheater. there's no going back to that. know why? he cheats on EVERY GIRL. i saw him cheat on the next one too...he's a lifer at cheating. therefore, i had a BIG little angel that just squashed that little devil.


this recent ex, it's harder. the little angel isn't so big. but yes, i deserve NOT to be lied to. that's my little angel's story this time...


so pick you're little angel's script, no matter the number of days. you'll need it. ;)


hugz.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 8:47pm

I doubt anyone will ever settle the debate, the 60-day thing is as arbitrary as any other number someone could throw out there. There's absolutely nothing set in stone anywhere that says exactly how long it takes to keep no contact going.

No contact isn't about some finish line you get to that's marked off in a pre-set amount of time that says, "Ok, NOW you're ready to talk to him again." No.

It takes 21 days to create, change or break a habit. By using a reference frame of a set amount of time simply passing, it should only take 21 days of just waiting for time to march on to get over someone, right? Wrong. The 21-day thing is ONLY if the person does every single thing perfectly in order to change the habit, which for a breakup that would have to include never once thinking of the person, never crying over them, never being sad about it, and never looking back. Only problem is, I believe those kind of people that can turn off all emotion like that are called sociopaths ;)

The amount of time to get over a heartbreak will be shorter, usually, if the person takes it upon themselves to actively change and improve their life. The more focus the person places on him- or herself, the better for them.

Everyone is going to need a different amount of time to recover from the shock, grief, anger, sadness, and despair that naturally follows a breakup. It took me what, two months of no contact in order to feel semi-normal again after my last breakup. Depending on how long the relationship was, how committed, how intense, how strong the connection was for the breakee (because usually by the breakup, the connection is already weak or gone for the breaker), it will take anywhere from a few days to-- there was a poster on the board who was still "maintaining" no contact more than four years later. Long before then, that's a whole new problem, though, that's almost a backwards way of holding onto the person and the broken relationship, more so than letting it go..

No Contact can take as long or as short as the person desires, it's just been our experience from seeing literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of broken hearts on this board (just look at the number of posts), and because everyone's coping skills are so different, that in the best interest of the members we advocate AT LEAST 30 days initially, but 45-60 is better. Some people hit 30 days, still don't feel quite right, and add another chunk of time. Some people test the waters after 30 days solid and find they're right back near square one, because they weren't ready for it at all. Some people don't test the waters and don't feel the need again to contact. Or they contact and don't feel the need to follow up, or maybe they're just fine and move on. Or they get a few weeks in and things are just groovy. Everyone is different.

If you feel you want to be friends, read the post On Being Friends... in the Resource Section and then just give yourself time (however long it takes) to get over the person. It's NOT necessary to remain in contact with an ex, doing so doesn't automatically define you or your previous relationships as good, and not doing so doesn't define them or you as bad. It is what it is. If what you're truly after isn't friendship but rather reconciliation, then I have different advice for you. It still involves at least 30 days, though ;)

I will say this: If you're going to be friends, you will be friends, no matter how long it takes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 9:11am

No contact isn't about some finish line you get to that's marked off in a pre-set amount of time that says, "Ok, NOW you're ready to talk to him again."


I suppose thats what I was looking for in my heart, maybe an anwser to when I can talk to him again someday and it wont hurt anymore, the longing will be gone, the physical attraction will be gone....


Tom and I talked the day we said our byes, and we both agreed it wasnt forever, that at this point in his life he cant see himself giving me what I want, as much as he would like to, I got tired of waiting for him to give it. It became a constant up and down emotional time for me. I was upset or hurting ever other week, because I always felt like something was missing in my life.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 9:53am

I know it hurts, I really do know how you are feeling right now, I've so been there, and it sucks. You keep asking yourself, "Why not me?" It's not a good question to torture yourself with, believe me. They can't even answer you because they don't even know. Commitment-averse people are made out to be villainous, but they're (we're) really not. You just have to believe that your ex didn't intentionally set out to do this to you and he's probably even more confused by it than you are.

I responded to someone else about focusing on where you are now. I'm going to make the same suggestion to you, and I think it's almost universally the same, that many times the people who do engage in No Contact put their faith in just the amount of time that passes and it really doesn't work that way. It's what you DO with the time that matters.

Instead, I suggest focusing on TODAY, just today. Make today be the best you can make it be. Tomorrow will get here soon enough and you can focus on it then. Give your attention to today's activities, today. Find new activities, eat well, pour yourself into work, add or rekindle a friendship. Put your all into everything you do today. Put your attention on the moment that you exist in right now. When you find yourself and your mind drifting to something else, take a deep breath, touch an object near you, your chair, the table, a cup, a set of prayer beads, whatever, and get back into the moment. This very simple act most definitely works.

Since you're not robotic, you will think of him and grieve for him, but since you seem to be over the initial shock of constant heart-churning thoughts of the breakup, only allow yourself so much time to do it, 10-20 minutes or so a day where you just give in to that. And then in those minutes, focus all your attention on him. Once that's up, do the breathe-touch thing and get right back to where you were before. It's a simplistic way of controlling your thoughts. You have to control them before they control you.

If you keep all that up, actually do what is suggested in How to Get Over Your Breakup post, I can tell you that by the time 30 days comes rolling around, you will be in a much better position to take on whatever comes at you then.

Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 1:11pm

"When after a breakup is it okay to stop No Contact and call that person"

when you stop asking yourself that question, that's when, and probably by then you won't really care to contact that person anyway. think about this, do you think about when the next time is that you should contact a friend. "hmm, i wonder when the best time is to call Deb?" You don't, because it feels natural, not intense, not scary, not weird. you don't worry what your friend is "thinking" when you call. You don't worry that you may say the wrong thing and feel strange after.

For me, I think NC works best until I find someone else that I'm smitten for. That could be six weeks, six months, or six years. But honestly by that point, like I said, you will have lost any desire to contact the ex anyway. Believe in the process.

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 12:45pm

It ends when you're completely over him and ready to be friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 12:40am

I would say give it a few months to let the negative emotions settle down.


Once things settle down, it might not be a bad idea to extend an olive branch of reconciliation out to the person.


After some time has passed, people do forget about the negative things, usually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 6:12am

Sheri,


You make a very valid point .....you and I both know that no matter how much healing takes place you cant fix the trust issue..at least I learned that you cant fix a trust issue on your own it takes you and the person that broke that trust working together, so if theres no contact theres no repair, and

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 6:14am

Thanks Dutchess,


But the more I think about it.....Im not sure that day will ever come for me...if you read my response above you'll see why.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 5:34pm

How Long Does No Contact Last?


For me, I pray daily that it lasts forever due to his behavior during and especially after the break up.