how long will I feel this awful?
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| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 7:55pm |
My fiance broke up with me today after being together 19 months. His impatient and cavalier behavior started towards me about 3 weeks ago. His divorce was supposed to be final yesterday, their last court date, but the judge said she needs 30-60 days to go over everything before she made the decision on who gets what. He sounded relieved when he told me (red flag?).
Today, the day after final court date, he said he wants nothing to do with me anymore and I've ruined our relationship by not doing this or that...he's placing all blame on me, yet I've done everything he has asked me to. He's been short with me and picking at things that make no sense. All I have done is ask what is going on lately between them becuase I feel a change in him towards me. Every time I asked, he blew up and told me he is 'sick of my "theories"' and 'is this how his life with me will be?'
Now, like a dummy, I've been calling him crying all day. He has answered his phone once, and was very cold, blunt and just mean. I was sobbing out of control and had to hang up but he never called back. He still wont answer his phone. I can't help but sit here and dial him up, even though I know he wont answer. I dont understand how he can be so mean, uncaring, insensitive and nasty.
Deep inside I know I deserve better - he had done some deceitful things in the past to me such as get into my condo while I was gone and rummage through my belongings for what I dont know. He has lied about little things, most recently about gifts his former soon-to-be ex-wife gave him for Christmas. She had been doing nice little things for him lately (total turn around from a month ago) such as giving him fruits from a neighbor's tree, calling to see how he was, etc...totally out of character from what I have seen the past 15 months. SHe never wanted the divorce and always told him things could be worked out. He always maintained that he is in love with me now, and that it is over between them.
I know they are reconciling but he wont tell me. And if he did it would just kill me that much more. Knowing that he has shown dishonest and deceitful behavior in the past, why am I so heartbroken? I can't stop crying or thinking about him, as well as them together.
I'm useless right now to my two children. Can someone please give me advice on how to just let go, quit calling him, etc? please help...

tjs70....
Pianoguy wants to fast forward 5 years from today.
Picture yourself married to this...err...gentleman....and he's being his same sweet self! Unfortunately...you took him "for better or worse"....and you're getting the latter. Is this "THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF?" (Pianoguy is quoting Carly Simon here).
Basically...you got a reprieve by this break-up. It might not seem like it at the moment, but you depended on him TOOO MUCH! And nobody should depend on ANYBODY to that extent.
So how about reconstructing yourself a little? Turn your attention away from this idiot (and that means no more wining, no more emails, no more phone calls...zippo)....and focus on the 2 tangibles in your life (aka YOUR CHILDREN). They deserve your love and attention. And believe it or not...they're already forming their impressions about relationships based on what they're seeing YOU DO!
Keep in mind one thing. You CAN'T build your world around anybody. You can only include people in your life who HONESTLY want to share it with you. The EX wasn't committed (irregardless of what you may or may not believe)...so there's no point in wasting any more time crying over him.
Feel better now?
Pianoguy
I sent you a reply on another post I made. In case you didn`t get to read it, I just want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same emotions.
I called my ex like a total fool for 6 days, and he just ignored me. I just wanted some answers as to why he did this to me, but he wouldn`t talk to me. I even drove out to his house several times, and caught him there once, but he wouldn`t answer the door. Talk about humiliating. I just couldn`t seem to control myself..I thought he would talk to me eventually. After being with someone for so long, and loving that person so much, it`s a real blow when they do something like this to you.
I am pretty sure he is with someone else now, that gives him the power to be so cruel to me. I have no idea how he could move on so quickly. I`m miserable, and he is happy. It hurts like Hell. I cry all the time. I have 2 kids also, and hate for them to see me like this. No one understands why I don`t just get over it and be happy he`s gone, but it`s not that easy when it is you that was rejected.
Just want you to know I`m here if you want to talk.
TJS,
Exactly one month ago, I was in the similar boat as you are in now. I was also dating a soon-to-be divorced guy (sorry, can't use "man" in my case) who just stopped calling and didn't return my telephone calls with NO reason. (There was no talk of engagement, as I was not ready to make a commitment of that sort.) Someone very dear on this message board clued me in, and it was confirmed by a happily married friend of mine. You are not going to like the concept, but you will thank your lucky stars that this relationship didn't continue.
While going through his divorce, he was in a limbo. He was not getting what he wanted from his wife, although legally and socially bound to her. He was getting what he wanted from you, although not legally and socially bound to you. Basically, he had the best of both worlds; social and familial standing, and someone to carry him through his lonliness in the transition. He enjoyed both the wife's and your efforts to appease him and took advantage of it.
Now that the divorce is finalized, in his eyes, he has no need for the two women in his life. The (now) ex-wife can get on with her life, complete with court papers. You, on the other hand, are just expected to move on. He can get along fine! Look at all the "freedom" he has now! The fact that you listened to every one of his complaints, and swore to yourself you would never be like "the shrew", is of no consequence to him. He wants to put that behind him, much like he wants to put his divorce behind him. I don't think they are reconciling. Maybe he's just getting along for the sake of the children (you didn't mention any, but it is usually the case).
So, do you REALLY want to be with this guy? You posted that he was deceitful, and, judging by his recent actions, flippant and non-commital. Now, he's just plain "mean, uncaring, insensitive and nasty," by your own words. It hurts to know you were used, even if it was not his original intention. Don't let someone like that get you panic-stricken. Your life will continue without the loser. You have two wonderful children who need reassurance that their beautiful mommy is not going to stoop to win back a "prize" like that one.
Stop calling the guy. If you must cry, don't give him the pleasure of thinking it's over him. You are grieving over the loss of what was once a possible future. Let the door close, and another will open. How long it will last is in your hands, not the creep who dumped you.
Mimiche
Tjs70
KAREN :)
It is. It is soooo difficult when you are the one being rejected. I have never felt this much hurt either. I feel an overwhelming desire to talk to him, for him to explain things. And he doesn't even really want to hardly talk to me. You feel like am I really not that good enough that he won't even say something to me.
Kim