How long will I live in this misery?
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| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 12:21am |
It's a little hard going from the Making a Second Marriage Work board, to this, but at least we never actually got married. No, that was just something he talked me into, & he talked about for over a yr, until my divorce became final. Here it is a yr later, almost 3 yrs together total, & I dont guess I'll ever know if he got cold feet becoz his 30 yr old daughter will always be more like his mate than his daughter, & he realized he could not replace her role in his life, or if his divorce 12 yrs ago from her mother, made him (irreversably?) commitment phobic. I mean, did he use his weird r'ship w/his daughter to protect himself from commitment, or did he use the commitment phobia as camoflauge to protect his weird r'ship?
One thing about breaking up, it's a huge relief to be free of *needing* to make sense of such a bizarre situation. It's great to be free of the dysfunction. It looks like I'm not free yet of wondering about it entirely, but it's no longer actively a part of my life.
Like some others of you, I'm not past the stage of hoping he'll call, apologize & etc, you know the drill. On the other hand, I was so upset & irate by the time of our final argument, which was 6 days ago, that I subconsciously tried to burn the bridge on my way out. I left a little shrine to him & his lovely daughter, of pictures & mushy greeting cards they'd given one another, & 2 plaques from her to him about how she'd be lost without him & how nobody knows him like her. Then to top it off, I took his book Sick Puppy & sat it up, front & center, on his bth rm counter. So see, I was bad, & I burned the bridge on my way out.
I know it's for the best, but it's only Day Six since the breakup, & as ea day passes, I feel sadder about his absense & lack of contact which confirms my biggest fear about him all along, that he never loved me enough. I wonder how long I'll have to feel worse every day, before it turns & I can begin to feel a little better ea day.
I'm still so mad at him, & hope 10 times a day, that he's SO depressed without me, that he misses me SO MUCH, that he regrets the things he said & things he did & did not do, to keep me happy enough to have stayed. I hope friends & strangers are asking him if he's ok becoz he looks so sad. I'm thinking some of you here, have had these same exact feelings??
It's like I have a tiny little shred of hope I'm still hanging on to, & it's going to hurt really bad giving up that last tiny shred. I suppose that in about a wk or so, I'll probably weaken & call him to tell him (excuse) that I have some of his things. He can be so cold that it wouldn't surprise me for him to say he has nothing left to say to me & to hang up the phone. I know I'll do it, call him, against my better judgement & the opinions of every one of my friends, but i know, becoz I'm already thinking of what I'd say. He's the most stubborn person I've ever known, by far, so even tho I'd rather he call me, I know he won't, & that I'll end up doing it.
We ended the r'ship in the heat of our worst argument ever. It's hard to leave all we meant to ea other, on such a hateful note. That alone, makes me want to have another conversation, one that's not so horrid. But, if I call & he hangs up on me, that's when I'll have to totally give up & really move on without him. And without the huge issues with his 30yr old daughter, we were very happy. I love him very much, but could not continue to live with the way things were.
It's just hard, & I wish it wasn't looking like it will get harder before it gets easier. I just want to be past the torment of the breakup, whether we reunite or not, & I really don't think we will or should, but I'm so depressed that he's not calling. Misery.

Hi IM, I "know" you from lurking and occasionally posting on the 2nd Marriage board and saw that you two had broken up. I do think in the long run it's for the best, but that doesn't take the pain away.
I won't kid you...it's going to take a while before you will feel better, after a 3 year relationship (I do believe the old rule of thumb that the amount of time it takes to get over someone is closely related to how long you were together). However, you won't be in this much misery the whole time you're getting over him...it's a gradual process.
Ok...the most important thing to remember about getting over someone is that you can only do so if you're not having any contact with them. So...if you call him in a week or so, you will tear the newly forming scab off and have to start over. You may decide it's worth it to you, or not...but that's the reality. So, if you're sure you're going to do it anyway, you might consider doing it NOW so you can start the healing process that much sooner.
It takes 3 things to get over someone completely: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. You will never have an answer to WHY things didn't work out, so you will need to focus on accepting that he simply wasn't willing or capable of making the changes he needed to in order to be in a healthy relationship with you.
I don't know if it'll help or not, but you should read the recent post about "it does get better" to hear from some of us who recently went through breakups but are on the mend. It won't take away your pain but it may give you hope.
Sheri
Thank you Sheri for your support. And it's odd, but I feel like I'm getting thru this breakup better than I'd have expected, which may be becoz I've been preparing for it subconsciously for mos. Another reason is I've told my 3 closest friends & my dd so far, all of whom have been VERY supportive. Another reason is the books I'm reading.
I'm getting worried that I haven't had a big cryfest yet, in the whole.. let's see... 11 days we've been apart. However, I haven't really had the time & place for it, mostly becoz of having my daughter with me & dont want to do that in front of her, plus have had other distractions. DD will return to her dad for a wk tomorrow tho, Tues, which will leave me alone at home. I have things I need to do but nothing I have to do. Then the following wk dd is with me again, & when she goes back to her dad for that following wk, I'm getting off this cold closed-for-the-winter island, to go to the city to stay with various family & friends, which I'm already looking forward to.
BUT this wk will be my time to cry. I've even wondered if I cried enough during the struggles in the r'ship already & am fresh outta tears! I'll find out in the next few days. I don't like crying period tho, & have had more than my fair share of struggles & cried more than my share of tears in my LIFE. So having a cryfest doesn't really appeal to me. Do I really have to wallow in it to get past it??? If so, all I have to do is to play a clp cd's, that he gave me, that we saw in concert (moody blues, he LOVES them,) & that we listened to often. THere is another song too, check THIS out...
By kelly clarkson, that's about emotional incest. The music video shows it clearly. I think it's called "becoz of you", if you hear it listen closely to the lyrics. It's written from the eyes of the adult child who was raised by a parent who leaned on her too much when she was a child & the mom was going thru a divorce, & it's so sad to me becoz I know & understand what it means & the likely outcome. I'd listen to it & cry, for my r'ship & for his dd who's life may never be what she needs, becoz of him. I felt guilty for not being able to make him understand, but that's no longer my concern. I tried.
Also, I was in a big book store in the city last wkend, & in the r'ship section there was the book I read that opened my eyes to my bf's situation with his dd, titled "emotional incest". (I'd found it online.) I shop at this big store often & usually browse the r'ship section, but had never seen that book, unless I could have seen it & somehow it didnt click until I'd researched it to find that as the answer. I dont know. Anyway tho, I said on the other board, I'm so glad this issue is being brought more in the open, becoz ppl need to KNOW. It can be a VERY unhealthy situation for the child & the parent & for all who try to get close to either of them.
I did read the post you suggested, "it will get better," thanks, that was helpful. And what I was saying before I digressed, I can play the cd's & cry while i finally pack up the christmas decorations this wk. I'm not looking forward to it tho. I could add in looking at pics of us when we were happier, but it sounds like torture, & I'm not sure it wont' weaken my resolve for NC.Maybe I need to feel stronger about NC before I hear those c/d's, what do you think??
By the way, I was in his town (3 hr drive from where I live) last wkend & did not contact him, even tho it made me depressed becoz for the last almost 3 yrs Ive been there to see him sooooo many times. I did drive by his house when I went out of my way about 2 mins to do so, becoz I knew he wouldnt know & becoz I just wanted to do it. If anything it only made me feel mostly nervous tho, more so than sad, made me wonder what he'd say if I did knock on his door. His heart can be so cold tho, that I really think he'd have told me to leave & that he had nothing to say to me, becoz he'll never forgive me for telling him what he didn't want to hear, about his r'ship with his dd. So, I'm so glad I didn't stop when I drove by & that I resisted any contact all wkend, when it would have been pretty ez to give in to temptation.
I know I won't call him in the next cpl days. It's like i keep putting it off, for another cpl days & another cpl days, & maybe I can keep doing that 4ever, but am leaving myself the option, so that it wont become a big deal in my mind. It makes me feel like I could call him if I wanted to & maybe have him back if I wanted. If I call at all, I may find out he wont accept my calls & that I can't have him back, which would only hurt. If I have any sense at all, I'll keep things just like they are now. OR am I getting myself stuck in the stage of denial & delusional hope?? That could be the danger.
And how are YOU doing Sherri? Are you feeling better about your breakup, or are you still going back & forth with tons of emotions?? Hugs from someone who understands. ;)