How many ups and downs???
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| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 6:37pm |
Hi to anyone who reads this - just looking for a little feedback. I am getting so depressed about my ex lately, and I don't really understand where it's coming from. The last few days I am finding my thoughts consumed by him, us, where we went wrong, blah blah blah.
Just a quick recap, since it is a long, tiring story. My ex and I were "together" for almost four years. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter together. Yes, I got pregnant the first time we were together. Before we were bf/gf, we were very, very close friends. I mean we spent every single day together. If we weren't together, we were on the phone or IM each other. Anyways, he was a very special person in my life for a few years. At the time he had recently lost his mother to cancer, which he witnessed first hand as far as taking care of her solely towards the end. He also has a very, very bad father who after the death basically left him on his own. I guess there was always a part of me that felt sorry for him.
So, he really turned it on for months. He started getting, for lack of a better word, weepy. He would cry to me that he loved me, he would tell our friends he was in love with me, and he would try very hard to make me understand that. I didn't want any part of him that way. He was younger than me and he really wasn't my type. Honestly, I wasn't really looking either. Even though there were bells going off in my head, against my better judgment, I gave in. I finally figured he has been so persistent and seems so sincere, maybe what I had always thought I was looking for was right under my nose.
As I said, I was pregnant after the first time we had sex. It was a huge shock for me, but being 28 going on 29, I was determined to do the best I could for our baby. He was ecstatic when I told him. He had a little episode a few months in, needing his space I assume, I just didn't hear from him for like 3 weeks. After that was over, which I just chalked up to him still sorting through his own things, he was there 100%. We talked about not talking about marriage. Both of us just wanted to get throught having the baby and work on being parents.
Fast forward 3 weeks after our daughter was born he moved out. He said his feelings changed and he couldn't be there anymore. I was devastated, but I dealt. Then about a month or so later he was back, just like before. Basically, this was the rest of our 3 years together. We were not together "officially", but we were still sleeping together and spending time together. I just always assumed he was working through his things, and everytime I would bring us up, he would say nothing has changed, he wants to do his own thing. But he never did.
Now, this summer, I changed. I came to realize how much I did love him, and how much I did rely on his presence in my life. As soon as I did realize this, I went and told him. He said that his feelings hadn't changed, and that he still wanted to find his own life. I was totally fine with that, I just wanted him to know where I stood. Then he did a COMPLETE turn around. He was coming around all the time, doing things with me with and without our daughter, staying over, eating dinner here every night, and really, really "acting" like my boyfriend. I didn't say anything, I just figured this time, I was going to let his actions speak louder than words. You see where this is headed, right?
Two days after spending the weekend together, without our daughter, he came to me and said he had starting "talking" to another girl. He just wanted me to know. That was the last week in September and by the 2nd week in Oct. they were boyfriend and girlfriend. They are still together today, she lives with him, and he recently told me that they have been talking about marriage. I am devastated. Although I have pure hatred running through me for him, I am sooooo sad that he is out of my life. Does that make me completely insane?
I am now at the point where there is NOOOO contact with him other than concerning our daughter, who by the way is suffering from this too. He went from coming to our house to watch her 2-3 nights a week to seeing her every other weekend, by his choice. She doesn't know why Daddy isn't around anymore and she asked me if when he was done with K being his girlfriend, could he come live with us? I know she is young, but she doesn't miss a trick this girl.
A friend of mine and I got in a conversation the other night about a mutual couple we know that do their own thing. Meaning the wife goes out with her friends, the husband goes out with his friends. Even if they are out together, they are usually on opposite ends of the bar. So, this friend of mine says how he doesn't know why they are even married. I said I see nothing wrong with it, and in fact I know they are very happy in their marriage. I said how I wouldn't want to be with someone all the time either, I never have. Then he said, "That's just because you've never had someone you wanted to be with 24/7, but when you find them, you will." I have not been able to shake that conversation for the last 2 days. Is he right? Does that mean ex and new g/f are the "ones" for each other b/c they are together 24/7 and he and I never had that kind of relationship, by choice, I thought. I know it's not my place to psycho-analyze his relationship, but really, what is up?
Also, when he first broke up with me, he said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do b/c I was his best friend and more like family than his real family. But he was willing to risk that. That's what I can't stand. He wanted to be my friend at some point through all of this, and I knew that wasn't realistic, but still, if he never spoke to me again, it would not affect him whatsoever.
I know I said I was going to try to keep this short, sorry, but I guess I have a lot to say on the subject. I am having a hard time breathing it hurts so bad lately. I know what has to be done, and I have been doing it, but I guess I am finally coming to terms with really, really, losing him from my life forever. Thank you, whoever reads this and perhaps has some words of wisdom for me. I have found a ton of good ideas while lurking, just wondering if anyone can offer anything for my situation.
Thanks again and take care!

Your friend is just plain wrong. He might be correct speaking for HIMSELF, but there are plenty of couples who have VERY healthy r'ships and do not want to be together 24/7!
BUT! That's kind of beside the point...you need to STOP focusing on ANYTHING about your ex. His new r'ship is simply none of your business. I know that's harsh, but it's true. It is NOT productive for you to be wondering and comparing. Stop talking to him about ANYTHING other than your daughter.
What you need to do right now is focus on your daughter. If you haven't seen a lawyer and filed a parenting plan and child support order, do it now.
Sheri
thanks for your replies - it's almost strange how comforting the words of complete strangers can be. Yes, I know that I need to stop focusing on him and his relationship - that's the problem. We do have an order of visitation in Family Court, and have been working on the child support thing. Thanks again for your replies and maybe someday I can be of help too!!
- Cait