How to move on after cheating (Long)
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How to move on after cheating (Long)
| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:41am |
I (23) dated my ex(21) for a little over a year and he took me to pick out an engagement ring and he talked about getting married frequently and moving to another state all the while we were basically living together.. then I was totally blindsided when I found out accidentally that he had a secret myspace page, and profiles on several dating websites stating that he was single. Even looking back there were no warning signs, his behavior never changed, he was as loving as always, we weren't arguing or anything...for all intents and purposes we were happy...or so I though.Long story short while I thought we were in a relationship, he was sleeping with someone else for about 6 months, he was taking other women out for drinks, movies and dinner, and he was talking to other women on dating websites. We didn't talk for several weeks after I found out. I have a chronic illness and was ill off and on and he encouraged me to quit my job saying that he would take care of my bills while I finished a class to try and get a less stressful job that was better for my health.So a few weeks went by and he started calling and sending text messages and leaving messages crying and begging me to talk to him. I was stuck with no way to pay bills, no insurance and I was very ill from the stress that caused.In hindsite I see that he was very manipulative but at the time I wasn't sure that it was to this extent. We ended up spending the past 3 1/2 months seeing a counselor, having hours long conversations everynight (he was away working on the road), he quit his job on the road and was about to find a job near home, he gave me access to his cellphone records, email passwords ect. I went back and forth pretty much daily at first about whether I wanted to be with him or not, it was gut wrenching. Of course my brain and my pride was telling me to never speak to him again but I still loved him and I guess being so sick and alone and broke I just wanted what I thought we had back if at all possible. So anyway we talked on the phone everynight, he sent text messages all of the time and then once he was home we were able to hang out and I felt okay for awhile so we had alot of fun. A majority of nights I still spent fighting back tears and crying because the hurt was still there, but he was always so quick to comfort me and usually he ended up crying himself and swearing that he would never hurt me again, and that it was a huge mistake. Seemingly he bent over backwards to make life better for me the past few months. Then the night before last I noticed a txt msg on his phone record for an out of state number. His coworkers all had out of state numbers so I never thought much of it, but this txt was from 2am. On that particular night I had talked to him and he had called back and told me that he got a strange phone call and a txt and wasn't sure who it was from. He had changed his number so the girl that he had cheated with would stop calling, and he said that he thought that it maybe was her. He never got anymore messages and it wasn't mentioned for several days. Then I look back at his phone records and realize that he had talked to this particular number frequently while we were not together. That was all fine and well until I saw that he had talked to her several times since we made the decision to "work it out." I called the number and found out that it was of course another woman. He said that it was a coworker and that they were just "talking." But that was the excuse he used when I initially found out about the cheating...that he was a "social" person and liked to talk, and liked lots of attention, and that he wasn't sure about us and was getting other opinions. So anyhow, while I was at home agonizing over how to work it out, and having endless conversations with him and crying on the phone everynight (while he was still working on the road and wasn't home much) he was working with this woman everyday. And while the phone calls weren't frequent between him and the other woman after we decided to work it out, he was seeing her everyday so honestly I can only assume the worst, given his track record. I broke it off with him the other night and he cried and apologized for not being able to "fix" things saying that he really had tried hard (who knew fidelity was so hard?) and then gave me some odd statistics about how 60% of women cheat and made me promise that i'd find someone who treated me better than he did. Then he said that he thought he could commit to me and that he loved me and always will and wanted to marry me but a part of him also wanted to be free. So i'm stuck at my starting point again, except now it's not a total shock but the hurt is just as much as it originally was. It's funny how he could never face the music and say hey this isn't working for whatever reason, he chose to cheat the first time and then lied by omission and was still talking to someone else. I can only assume that had I not picked up on it that he would have continued cheating.He also tried to pin blame on me saying that he didn't want to stop talking to her because I wasn't positive I wanted to be with him anymore. We actually got into a fight a few nights ago because I told him that I didn't want to marry him that the idea makes me physically ill. I really think he has some issues. I need help moving on. He played on the fact that I was sick the first time around and made me feel like he had to "hang out" with other females because I was sick at home alot and kinda shot my self esteem. AT least now I know it's not because I was too sick or too this or too that, he's the one with the problem.
How do I move on? He was my bestfriend as well, how do I squash that urge to call him? How will I ever trust anyone again? I'm sitting here alone, physically sick to my stomach because I am so upset and stressed out. Any advice is welcome.
How do I move on? He was my bestfriend as well, how do I squash that urge to call him? How will I ever trust anyone again? I'm sitting here alone, physically sick to my stomach because I am so upset and stressed out. Any advice is welcome.

Hi brwneyedchica,
Welcome to the board.