How to move forward in a healthy way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
How to move forward in a healthy way?
2
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 7:29pm

Hello,
I posted this on "toxic relationships" as well but really need all kinds of advice so thought I'd post here as well, hope that is ok.

I’ll try not to go into the details, too much sorry but might have to in order to be understood…….My ex fiancé and I broke up end of June 2004. We were together for almost 7 years. When we were first together, I had absolutely no idea that he was still involved with his ex, at first he told me that they were "just friends", months later I find out that they were together at one point, but had ended the "romantic" part of the relationship years ago. Then almost a year of us being together I find out that he was actually married to her (for getting into the country purposes supposedly—they are both from Europe and came here together about 15 years ago). Then months after that I find out that they were still intimate up until we met, and "occasionally" during the time we had been together (and even after the time we told each other we loved each other).

He would see his ex without telling me about it, and then when I found out about all this he said that he loves me-begged me to never leave, etc. Let me also mention that my ex recently keeps blaming me for his involvement with his ex because of how I was when I first met him-he says that my ex was a bad influence on me and that he was not attracted to me as much because of it (for instance I got into bad habits which caused me to gain a little weight which I have lost years ago by now) So even though I was in no way in contact with my ex’s that is enough reason for him to partly blame me. He actually had the pattern of being involved off and on with his ex before he met me. And if he did not like my weight he should have not gotten involved with me-but he said "I was everything he wanted in all other ways"….

He stated that he then tried to cut down contact with his ex, but he could not completely because she was a big part of his life for years-she helped him get to the U.S etc etc, so I tried to be understanding as naively possible. Through the years after their “romantic” relationship ended, they remained in contact –which I’m sure he talked to her more than he let on, and of course it was very hard for me to trust him. His ex would come over to OUR place ( my ex and I lived together for most of the years we were together) and be constantly rude to me, we would all go out for dinner or whereever, and same thing she would be rude to me, cause some sort of drama. Even though it should be my place to be rude to her after all the crap, I was nothing but nice to her. This happened for years of me putting up with it. A few years ago my ex fiancé and I decided to move to a town in Marin that we always wanted to move to. The very same month that we moved there, my ex fiance’s ex “coincidentally” started taking horseback riding lessons 10 minutes away from our new place—which let me add is 45 or more minutes away from her place –and she took lessons on the weekends which was NOT her day off of work, but mine and my ex fiancés day off. The she would go constantly to the same café we went in our new town....

That was the last straw for me. My ex fiancé would not admit that she was displaying scary stalker behaviour—so I (god only knows why FINALLY) realized that if I stayed with him that this thing with his ex would haunt us forever, with him doing nothing about it.

He finally saw signs that I had it with all that and soon asked me to marry him (I think out of fear that I was actually going to leave him). Other things were good besides his ex situation so I said yes (!), but under the condition that the ex situation would need to be resolved once and for all. During that time I felt like I just could not trust the situation so felt more closed off to him --intimately only---but in all other ways I was good to him because during that time he told me that I acted like his best friend and not a girlfriend. I tried to REASSURE HIM that I wanted to work it out, but needed understanding like all the understanding for years that I gave HIM regarding his ex situation. Well that was not good enough for him –he wanted it all and NOW. We moved back from the nice town in Marin to the town we first lived in after a couple of years because HE was tired and stressed about the commute and tired of the “unfriendly” people in town. Then a few months later I find out that he is pursuing his vocalist in his band....I did not find out from him. I told him that he needed to move out ASAP. Once I found out he tried to deny it. Then even told me that she was going to come over still to OUR place for band practice!!! She knew we were together, and I mean come on there was one bed in our apartment etc, so the vocalist is disgusting pig as well as my ex fiancé. Then he proceeded to go out with her while he is still living with me. I should have kicked him out but was trying to do the right thing and wait for him to get a place. It was the most ugly time of my life relationship wise. I think I was literally in shock during that time.

He now is living back in Marin with the vocalist…but has contacted me though out this year (a lot-and we did meet up some times to talk which I felt gross about-but I admit I was hoping he would say that he was leaving the vocalist for me-yuck -was I ever confused-and it make me feel bad that I even went through that thought process) and telling me that no one is like me, he misses me and will always love me and wants to see how things go with the vocalist but he is not happy with her and want to maybe get back together with me.

I have been going through what I am sure is a classic psych case of breakup –shock, sorrow, anger, denial, hate, trying to move on etc. I still loved him and was in denial of how he treated me and for a few months, and even considered what if we could put all this behind us-what if he finally realized it is meant to be and that magic that we had can be ours for good? But I have repeatedly told him that I do not want him talking to me while he is still living with the vocalist, and that it is wrong for him to be lying to her—even thought she deserves it since she is also a slime ball for getting involved the way she did. Last year she moved in with him and then quit her job-so my ex is paying for her mostly--I think she is a calculatting scum bag-since my ex did not even know that she HATED her job until she quit and he was forced to pay for her--karma is good!!)

After I write all this, I realize that hopes and dreams sometimes come crashing down and this is one of them, and my life needs to take on another direction –and certainly one away from him. He still is trying to hold on to god knows what with me. Thing is I constantly have the betrayal and what I went through pop in my mind, I have nightmares, I have thoughts that I want the world to know what a slimeball the vocalist is (and my ex even though a part of me still loves him despite all) etc (after all I was always supportive of the vocalist before the involvement-we all used to hang out now and then…)

In a couple of weeks I will go on a trip to Asia by myself—I think this will really get my head clear. But how do I just let go of a dream and be healthy and try for happiness? I feel like I have low self-esteem because I also have a job that is not fufilling, my co-workers mostly seem to judge me because I am different or something, and I feel bad about the breakup How can I properly “disengage” from my ex mentally and physically? And how can I get over this feeling of betrayal, that I do not want to trust anyone, and that I have low self esteem? Like Jennifer Anniston said about Brad Pitt-yes I do occasionally throw a pity party for myslef--but I do not want to. I want to move on and feel good about myself. I know that some life changing things need to happen-like a new job, cut off the emotional (all ties) ties with my ex. Please give advice if you can-how do I get on the right path? Maybe my trip will give me answers.

Thank you for listening -I really could use the advice, I feel horrible.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:36pm

The first thing you have to do is cut off ALL contact with your ex. Nothing is going to help unless and until you do that.

Use technology to help you...call the phone company and order call rejection so you can block his calls; block him from emailing you.

The trip to Asia will be a good thing to help you get through this.

I don't think there's any point to discussing other things you can do until you cut off contact...that is the basis for everything.

Actually, one other thing you could do that I think would be a good idea is to line up an appointment with a counselor for when you get back. You're going to need strength to continue no contact at that point, so being pro-active about it and having an appointment set would be a really good idea.

Edited to add: I know how hard cutting off contact can be...it took me three years to get over one of my exes because I allowed him to contact me sporadically. But I also know that until you do, you can't move forward. So you have a choice to make...let another year go by, and still be in the same place, or cut off contact and start your healing.

Sheri




Edited 8/11/2005 9:43 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:46pm

Thanks, you are right-and I have had a problem with the contact thing--he kept calling me and emailing etc (I do not do the contacting)-and asked that I meet up with him several times, he "coincidentally" ran into me several times at places he knew I would be when he was not with his gf. I even for most of the time since the breakup avoided all kinds of places and events to not see him-but I cannot do that forever--he knows where I like to spend time and its hard for me to constantly avoid those places. For instance the town we moved to, that particular town in Marin was my idea-he did not like it much at first but agreed to move there, he just wanted to move somewhere in the area of Marin ---but not that town. Now that we are broken up-he goes to that town ALL the time.... Its not cool at all-he should give me space like I have been avoiding sooo many places. I feel bad about how I allowed myself to talk with him after everything but I know that secretly I was hoping each time that he would say I was the one and I am leaving my gf.

Now however, with some distance I can see that I do not want him in my life and cannot have him in my life for the sake of my health after all he has done to disrespect me when all I had was trying to be understanding, when I only loved him and tried to show him how toxic his ex was to our relationship through the years. He has patterns which he still is not breaking -with proof being he talking to me without his gf knowing. It REALLY makes me feel bad about myself to talk with him, and I know this is the first step-to stop all contact.