How to move on when I see him everyday
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| Sat, 08-21-2004 - 1:42pm |
I don't know how to move on when I have to see him everyday. I'm on a rollar coaster, one hour I'm fine and the next hour I'm falling apart. I don't know how much more I can take. When were at work together he acts like there's no problem. He can leave me for someone else and it's no problem, our relationship between 8 and 5 should stay the same. I was his boss but I have given up some of my areas of responsibility so I don't have to deal with him. My Boss is now supervising him. This was by the EX's request, but he still keeps coming to me with his problems. He comes to me all day in the same way he use to when we were together, with jokes, complaints, advice. I'm trying to be a bigger person and be friends but I keep swinging from being hopeful that we'll get back together to hating him. I do have moments when I feel neutral, but not enough of them. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
It's his parent’s anniversary in two weeks and he's taking her for their family weekend away. I spoke to his Father and he said he wishes I were going to be there, they don't want to meet the new girlfriend. I think if I broke up a long term relationship I wouldn't have the audacity to try and meet his family so soon. This all hurts so much; I just don’t know how it’s going to get better. I need to stop this circular game with him but I can’t make myself let go.
Any advice?
Thanks

Although you are angry at this woman who just swooped in on your relationship, and your loved one, you must realize that SHE is NOT the one to blame! HE is a big boy (how old are you two?), and made those choices on his own. Do not give credit, where credit's not due (him), or make excuses for him, and don't rationalize the situation to relieve the reality of the situation -- such as he is "naive" and "trusting." He has a logical side of his brain and knows exactly what he did and is doing. She might have captivated him, but she sure did not capture him and make him do something that he didn't want to do to begin with. If a male at work was giving you this attention, would you have made the same choices he did? He also is aware of her being with other guys in the company I am sure, but HE made the choice to take upon her advances -- he didn't fall into anything. He also has made the choice to be with her for 4 months?
This could happen everyday to loved ones, at work, in the elevator, at the mall or bookstore, but if we are devoted to a relationship and really WANT to make it work, and have MATURE qualities that include honesty, or are willing to address any issues that are in the relationship by at least communicating, we do that first, not run to another rebound relationship. The fact that he is in some relationship with her now and is bringing her to family gatherings makes me suspect that there were some feelings there while he was with you and he was not honest about what was going through his mind and left you feeling betrayed (as you appear to be -- I could be wrong). He did what he wanted to do... SHE did not BREAK up a long-term relationship... YOUR EX did;
Again, it is really important for you to take all of the blame away from this girl even though it is the easier way to blame, the easier way to look at HER choices -- rather then his; this was ALL him. It was HIS responsibility to decline advances if he is devoted and wanted to continue the relationship, it was HIS responsibility to you and the boundaries set forth in your 7 year relationship, to your union, but he didn't choose that path for whatever reasons. You were not on the same page.
Realize that if it didn't happen now, it would have happened in the future if he had these conflicted feelings. Better now then when you two are married. The fact that you have to see him everyday must be extremely difficult for you. It's like he still receives the comfort and security of you and doesn't truly recognize how this has affected you and is still affecting you. I believe that he really needs to feel the TOTAL loss of you by not seeing you, talking to you, or benefitting from your friendship right now.
You really need to shift the focus off of him, and put it on you. I wont lie, it will be hard, it will hurt like hell to truly "move on" and consider this DONE in your mind... but, he is with another woman, and you have to come to grips with the situation and perhaps a side of him that you never recognized or failed to acknowledge. Don't you believe that you are a phenomenal woman and deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you, and cherishes being in a relationship with you??? It is evident that you are not ready to be "Friends" with him and this is only hurting you. No contact is the best way right now for you to heal your heart and truly move on (you'd be surprised at how much the pain would at least lessen by doing this... some weight would be lifted off of your shoulders)...
Is there any way possible to transfer? This makes everything so awkward and re-opening of wounds for you time and again. If there is no way possible to avoid this CONSTANT contact with him, you will have to try your hardest to be polite, keep your conversation to a minimum (and only pertaining to job duties), keep it business like as you would with other colleagues that you supervise... And if you had the type of relationship where there was openess, honesty, and respect (hmm, not sure about that one)... You could suggest to him that you'd like to keep your relationship as of now buisness like and that when you are truly ready to be friends again, and it doesn't hurt to interact "like you used to" with him, you will contact him or let him know... He needs to respect your wishes if he really cares about you.
I know you get shreds of hope when you have the "old times" interactions with him, so it's up to YOu to truly put a stop to them... Why would he when he can still have that wonderful piece of you that he loved??? It's it time to move on, fully... That hope can destroy your life even further and make you a miserable person, so you need to keep yourself extremely busy with activities in and outside of work. Re-connect with old friends, do things you never got to do while in the relationship (take salsa lessons or join a cooking class)... Go to the gym and set hour by hour goals so you will not revolve your world around him. Be proactive, not reactive.. Let yourself grieve when the time calls, but limit yourself to a certain period of time each day.
Do you really think this guy deserves to take up your mind, your life, your world, when he is out doing whatever it is he is doing and enjoying life with another woman (although who really knows what's going on)? And when you are enjoying being you again, living your life to the fullest, surrounding yourself with people that make you first choice, he will kick himself as to his losses once rebound new excitement girl (okay, so I don't know if that's totally true, but it seems like it) might not work out... At that time lets hope you have analyzed clearly what happened, his possible characteristics or relationship patterns that you could have overlooked with those rose-colored glasses on, and realize what you deserve in life. Come out of this a strong woman who has learned from her experiences... Make a check list of what you want, and don't want in your next relationship... Learn from what went wrong... your and his part... Don't you believe you deserve those enjoyable things too that he "appears" to be experiencing... You WILL become happier again once you truly devote yourself to these changes within yourself... You will be the smart one to focus on you, and perhaps he will learn the hard way down the road..
I wish you a lot of luck and happiness in your exciting future ahead and opening that new page in your life. I hope this even touched you a bit -- I can relate.
~~SD~~
Thanks for time you took to reply to me:) I really appreciate the help!
This breakup came right out of the blue. We weren't fighting or had any issues that I was aware of. We were in the talk about children, I'm 37 he's 33. We needed to make a decision but it seemed we were both on the fence. We had vacations planned and were starting to remodel our bathrooms. I went on a business trip for a week came back and he disappeared that weekend on Sunday during the day. He was acting weird so I asked him what was going on, he said he wanted to move out. He said he needed some space. He got an apartment and agreed we were going to monogamous and work on our relationship, we started going to a therapist. 5 days later I went by his place when he didn't come back from lunch, they were there together.
In the 7 years we were together I never had any doubt about his fidelity. He was my best friend, we were very close. We weren't married, but it felt like a very serious committed relationship.
I know you're right about the new GF, but I know her history here. She's a tramp who was always all over the guys but would walk by you (female) in the hall when you said Hello without saying a word. I guess that's the painful part, him dumping me for someone like that. Even most of the guy's at work don't want to talk with him, they've lost respect for him. Our closest friends and family are still shock, no one can figure out how this happened, and how he could be with a girl who's values and past are so different from his. It's weird since he's been with her he's like a different person, where he use to be sweet and kind, he's now cocky and arrogant. This isn't just from me, it's from our friends.
The new GF who is 28 has just gone back to school out east, so she's now in a different state. Since she's gone my EX has taken to calling me, wanting to come by so our dogs can see each other, and generally being the guy I use to know.
I guess that's why I'm having so much trouble with this. I can't transfer, there's nowhere to go. I have a really good career with my company, I'd be crazy to try to go somewhere else. I guess I still love what I hoped our life would be together. My pride is hurt and having to see him everyday reminds me, over and over again. There's no way to get no contact, you're right he's getting everything he wants. He has me at work to prop him up and take care of him and her after work. I need to figure out how to set those boundaries. It's like I'm an addict who's getting her little fix, it feels better to get that bit of our relationship I cherished than none at all. But he left me, I have to try to accept this.
My ex before last started dating someone immediately after we broke up (so not really a betrayal but it still felt a bit like it). We were university students and she was a a 19 year old first year student who behaved even younger, laughed and shrieked a lot, was really coarse and unattractive not so much b'c of her looks but b'c she put a lot of effort into being 'butch'. for example, she purposely walked like a guy in big biker boots etc, very affected teenager stuff. ripped up tights under kahki shorts (sigh, she couldnt' even do a punk look right)I think she was trying to be edgy but instead she looked like a clown. she was the only female in his program. What was embarrassing was that he was 27 and I was 29 and he also started acting like he thought he was Fonzie or something. He even started smoking again adn went to a first-year DORM party (27!!). God, I was embarrassed FOR him. They didn't last long (6 to 8 weeks?) but in that time, there was a small bright side. I hope that soon you won't even care what is going on with THEM since you are the star of yoru movie but until then, I wanted to share this with you:
On the bright side:
He is not being very emotionally stable in his life, acting out of character, and at 4 months, she probably is sensing that and reaping the rewards (hello insecurity). Also, she sounds a bit f'ed up so her inner life is probably no picnic whether she is with him or not (bwah ha ha). Do you think she ever feels jealous or insecure that she is out east and you are there with him? Do you think she feels insecure that he runs to you daily with jokes and calls you to visit dogs? Knowing how easy he is to win over?
Do you think he feels secure that she is a known tramp and is starting a new phase in her life out east without him - a whole social life separate from him? oh the cold sweats he may be in for in the future.
I would see my ex's freakshow often in one certain hallway in the mornings and she would staaaarrre when she thought I could not see while I was in conversations. OVERNIGHT, seh started only grunting in response to my 'hello'. (what happened to mary sunshine when she first htought she had won something?) she started dressing like me (she went from "punk" to "preppy"), wearing her hair like me. And if her misery didn't make me happy enough, well he confided to me that he often felt jealous/insulted by her in public, he would show up at a party for example and some guy would be drawing a picture on her stomach for her.... oh ah ahhahahaahahahha. tsk tsk. and the best bright side for Me? I lost all those little shreds of respect I once had for him. I newly saw him as the guy who could have low enough standards to date that geek. If a girl like that could have him for even a week, I did'nt want him anymore.
hahahahaha. your ex and whats-her-teats sound like a pathetic rebound match and are no doubt getting what they each deserve and I really hope that you get what you deserve too very soon. Peace of mind.
Love,
Cheyenne
Seven years is a lot longer than I was with my ex – that was about 3 and something years. Its been seven months now and we still work together, in fact she sits opposite me. She told me on Friday that she was seeing someone else, someone I know and someone that we both used to work with… which is nice! Not.
Anyway, I didn’t post just to vent, I wanted to tell you that its going to be tough, and how you get over someone while still seeing them everyday remains something of a mystery to me. It does get easier though. Time moves on and so can you.
The only things that you can do are to focus on yourself. You’ve got to learn to be happy being you and getting on with being you. You got on okay before him and not being with him is not going to be the end of your world. Since my break-up I’ve been on the same rollercoaster and at the weekends I still find myself alone and missing her.. but is that because I’m not happy with myself, or because I’m not happy because I am not with her… I used to enjoy my time away from her at the weekends, so what does that tell me?
Perhaps you should tell him to leave it out, and to leave you alone. Why should you respond to his jokes, questions etc, you two were friends once, may remain friends, but at the moment it is unnatural for you to be friends like everything is normal, because ultimately its not.
Also, forget him, forget her and focus on you… its tough, but that’s the most rewarding thing that you can do.
All the best,
Dave
This is my first time writing to this message board and I have to say that I am happy that I found it because all the advice that is being shared is helping me to heal and move on from a painful break-up. I am having a hard time moving on just like many of you are and I have been reading all the postings regarding the girl who dated her ex-boyfriend for 7 years. I didn't date my ex for very long but I fell really hard for him and enjoyed being a part of his life. I thought he did too because he lead me to believe that he wanted to be with me especially after telling me that he loved me and wanted the same things that I wanted. Needless to say when I returned from school (in May), I found out that he was engaged to his ex-girlfriend since Februray (that is when he told me that he wanted to come and visit me in school and he also told me that he was happy with me!). I was shocked and really hurt. felt like I couldn't breathe and I didn't know how I would. It has been about 3 months since I found him (through a mutual friend) and I look at the relationship with him and remind myself of the emotional roller coaster ride that I was on with him and keep telling myself that I deserve better. I think because it was my first intimate relationship with someone that makes it so difficult. I am working on taking care of me and living my life without wasting so much energy focusing on him and what he is doing with his new lady but it's hard sometimes. There were a lot of things that happened in this relationship when I look back now and realize that he wasn't very honest with me or respectful and considerate of me. I put 110% into this relationship and I didn't get the same in return. I really enjoyed reading SD's posting 16305.2 on Aug.22 and agree with what Dave had to say in his posting. I printed it off to keep for future reference.
If I take the time to reflect back on my relationship with my ex, I think what I really miss is the companionship, the idea of being in a relationship, being in love and having those wonderful feelings and being able to share it with someone and also being involved with that person and sharing activities together. I feel jealous sometimes when I think of him being with his new lady and wonder what they are doing especially if it's a beautiful day. I keep feeling like that should have been me with him and think about all the great times we had together. I also remind myself that there are many other men out there to share those wonderful times with and who will respect me and deserve to be with me and will want to be with me. Also, just because I think that he is happy and that everything is great in his life doesn't necessarily mean that it is.
It's hard but I am beginning to believe that it's only as hard as we make it for ourselves. I see my ex still too because I work out at the gym that he works at and his fiance is there too. Funny enough, he told me that she is jealous and threatened by me. I don't know why because she is with him and they both got what they wanted. I really loved the gym that I was at because of the atmosphere, staff and the people I knew. I like going there because it's also a bit of a social atmosphere for me and close to my workplace. I can work out with both of them there and it doesn't bother me some days but other days can be a bit of a challenge once I leave and get home. I have been told to switch gyms and I did for a little while but I didn't enjoy it. Also, I felt like, why should I re-arrange my schedule and change my life because of what he did. I didn't do anything wrong. But I know that it doesn't make things any easier for me because I still see him and there have been occasions when he tells me that he still thinks of me and drives by my house. I have to admit, a part of me likes that he still misses me and thinks of me but it doesn't mean that I can rewind the tape and pause those wonderful moments with him from the past. I know that I will only get more hurt and frustrated if I keep holding on and hoping that he will want me but then again, would I want to be with somebody who lied to me, betrayed my trust and is a coward. He didn't even have the decency to tell me that he was engaged or the truth about getting back together with his ex. He told me during school that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and that he wanted space. I didn't think that meant getting engaged.
I guess I vented a little. lol. I was at the gym this morning and for some reason I was upset by seeing him. Somedays I handle things really well and I am fine but other days I want to let him know how much hurt and pain he has caused me. I thought about talking to him again about what he has put me through and the lies that he has fed me but I don't know if it would really help me. I feel like I want him to experience the pain that I endured and to know what this experience has been like for me. I'm sure many of you who are reading this can probably understand. I know that I need to focus more attention on me and not on him and what he is doing now and with his fiance. I think like anybody else, I hate the feeling of rejection. We all want to be loved and feel needed and when we are let go we feel a big sense of loss.
I know with time that things will get easier and a lot of self-nurturing, care and self-respect will make it easier as well. Like anything else, it takes effort, planning and commitment to take better care of yourself and to put you first. Why are we wasting so much of our precious time and life thinking about that person who doesn't deserve it? We have to keep telling ourselves that we are worth so much more and deserve better and it will happen one day when the timing is right.
Thanks everybody for your support and good advice.
Cheyenne,
You cracked me up with your Fonzie comment. My EX has now taken to using various unidentifiable hair products, which create a kind of spiked look where he's lost a lot of hair. He's bleaching his teeth and where he once was a cotton khaki kind of guy, he's now wearing a variety of shiny fabrics that require dry cleaning. Although since the GF left he’s moving back towards sloppy guy I use to like.
I guess I really need to think, what does this say about him.