How much do you sacrifice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
How much do you sacrifice?
9
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 9:30pm

I am a 45 yr old woman who moved across the country to be with my long distance love.  We were reunited lovers from our 20s and quite honestly I thought "this is him, my love of a lifetime" well now I am thinking...oh man what did I do? I made a lot of mistakes in this move, first I didn't really research or visit enough. Also, I should have gotten my own apartment for a while to see how things went.  To complicate things even more he has a 5 year old child who is with us 50% of the time which means - Tues, Wed every other Friday and every Saturday. He's a great kid but having him every weekend makes it kind of hard to ever have weekend get aways, travel, etc.  In two years we have never had a Saturday night out.  We live in a very expensive area of the country so we don't have a lot of money to have dates.  My boyfriend's idea of quality time is going fishing with his buddies and bringing the ladies along.   When I try to explain that we need tiem as a couple, not just a family or in a group he says I understand but then he never makes any plans, I do and he does go along with it but it would eb nice if he said, You know honey I'd like to take you out somewhere nice".  That has happened once since I moved here, we went camping for the night and he planned that but not even one dinner out has he planned since.   So, I figure I will have to be the planner in the relationship, but lately I have become so resentful of this.  I voiced my concerns to him but nothing has really changed, he keeps telling me things will be different once he starts making more money or that I should be willing to sacrifice for love. I feel like I have sacrificed for love, but I don't feel like he has. There are other things, it's like I want to leave but I feel stuck here...like I'm obligated to stay or something.  There are also great things about him, I guess those are the things that keep me here.  Life is too short to be unhappy and it's been over a year since I could truly say I was happy.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 10:25pm

Well that's the thing--you aren't obligated to say cause you're not married (even then I don't think anyone is really doomed for life to be in an unhappy marriage).  You're right--it was probably a mistake not to get your own place but the big problem with long distance is that you can't really know what you're getting into until you are with the person more.  If you only see them once in a while, then you can have those romantic dates.  If you were with him more, then you would get to see what his lifestyle is like.  It's a sacrifice to take care of a small child, but it's his responsibility to do that too--I'm in my 50's and since my kids are grown, plus I helped raise a stepdaughter too, now I just wouldn't date a  guy who had kids who were younger than teenagers.  Is there some way that he could trade a Friday for a Sat. w/ his ex so that one weekend you could have the whole weekend alone?  Also it seems like you are incompatible with what you want to do in your free time--he enjoys fishing--maybe there are some women who would think fishing is great too--personally I can't think of anything more boring, so I guess you are more like me.  But as you said, it shouldn't be all one sided.  If you are willing to go fishing with him sometimes, then he should spend some time doing the things that you want to do--and you just might have to be the planner on those occasions if he doesn't really know what you like to do.  I just think that you have to make the decision of whether his other good qualities are enough for you--and if they aren't, then you know, you say you tried it but you just feel that you aren't compatible--no reason for you to continue to be unhappy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 9:59am
Thank you, I know that is what I am struggling with. I guess I just want to see him make SOME effort too. Thanks again for the reply.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 10:00am

bluizeaz67 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:verdana, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size:small">I am a 45 yr old woman who moved across the country to be with my long distance love.  We were reunited lovers from our 20s and quite honestly I thought "this is him, my love of a lifetime" well now I am thinking...oh man what did I do? I made a lot of mistakes in this move, first I didn't really research or visit enough. Also, I should have gotten my own apartment for a while to see how things went.  To complicate things even more he has a 5 year old child who is with us 50% of the time which means - Tues, Wed every other Friday and every Saturday. He's a great kid but having him every weekend makes it kind of hard to ever have weekend get aways, travel, etc.  In two years we have never had a Saturday night out.  We live in a very expensive area of the country so we don't have a lot of money to have dates.  My boyfriend's idea of quality time is going fishing with his buddies and bringing the ladies along.   When I try to explain that we need tiem as a couple, not just a family or in a group he says I understand but then he never makes any plans, I do and he does go along with it but it would eb nice if he said, You know honey I'd like to take you out somewhere nice".  That has happened once since I moved here, we went camping for the night and he planned that but not even one dinner out has he planned since.   So, I figure I will have to be the planner in the relationship, but lately I have become so resentful of this.  I voiced my concerns to him but nothing has really changed, he keeps telling me things will be different once he starts making more money or that I should be willing to sacrifice for love. I feel like I have sacrificed for love, but I don't feel like he has. There are other</span><span style="color:#000000; font-family:verdana, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size:small"> things, it's like I want to leave but I feel stuck here...like I'm obligated to stay or something.  There are also great things about him, I guess those are the things that keep me here.  Life is too short to be unhappy and it's been over a year since I could truly say I was happy.  </span></p>

I see nothing keeping you there but feelings of guilt over looking after your own best interests over his. He's looking after his, so there is no reason why you shouldn't be doing the same.

Move out as soon as you can, be it to another apartment or back to where you used to live, if that is what you want to do.  The "great things about him" are soon going to be overshadowed by the unhappiness that those things can't alleviate.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 8:24am

Hi,

You did all the "heavy lifting" of moving to him. Why should he change or do anything extra or special because you now live with him? Heck, he's got it made!

My advice echoes the others here: either move out and get your own place there, or move back "home." Either way you'll discover pretty quickly whether he's even interested in the relationship with you not in the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 9:55am
Thank you for the input everyone I don't feel like I did the heavy lifting, I was moving anyway just to another state and decided to try it here with him. He has a child so leaving here is not an option for him and I love that he is a committed father, I just want a little more "us" time. I think I do feel guilty and yes I have put his needs before mine. I have no interest in moving back to where I moved from, and I have really no interest in living here without him so my next move will be more than a new apartment and I couldn't afford to live alone here. We have different lifestyles and wants in life I suppose. He's perfectly content to fish, work and stay home at night. I want to travel and enjoy life in other ways besides fishing, which I do enjoy but not as my only means of entertainment. SO, I booked a 3 week vacation by myself to see how we both feel about it when we are apart. I also booked a motorcycle rider training class, it's something I love and I decided to pursue more things that I enjoy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 12:10pm

You shouldn't really have to sacrifice at all!  It might be ok if he was doing any sacrificing himself, but he's not.  Taking you fishing.......wow!  How good of him!  What that says is that he does what he wants to do, and YOU do what he wants to do, too.  When he makes more money?  And when will that be?

You're right, you moved too quickly, and you didn't know what you were moving TO!  Now it's time to decide how you fix the mistake.  Can you move back where you came from?  Hopefully, yes!  Do you have a job?  If not, find one, and start saving money......and move out to your own place.  It's doubtful he will change, and right now you're not happy with him......so it's NOT the love of your life.  It's time to make plans to move on.......We all make mistakes, but smart people learn from them, and correct them ASAP.    You can do it!  Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 1:47pm
I know, it's all true which is why I am doing the things I enjoy from now on and coming up with a plan. I have been more vocal about my concerns, I told him I enrolled in the motorcycle course and he says he wants to do it too so we shall see. He knows one of my passions is riding so he says he wants to do that with me. As far as the money thing goes, he just started a new job, 3 weeks ago so that's what he means by that. Yes I do have a career and no I have ZERO interest in moving back to where I came from. I've lived all over the country, I'm probably one of the only people who loves to move and experience somewhere new. I was moving from my old place because I didn't want to be there regardless of my relationship with him. I don't always do what he wants to do which means we spend a lot of time apart. I do enjoy fishing, I've done it since I was young and long before he came along so that's fine just not the only thing i want to do. It is his passion and his career - yes he fishes for a living; he's very well known in his industry - magazines, tv, speaking engagements etc. So I understand his love of it. Honestly, all I really want is for us to have some more time together, it's simple really. I like my independence and time away form him but I am also feeling like we are more roommates than lovers. We can communicate openly so I am talking to him about everything, I think he realizes I am about over it because he says he wants to make an effort...I'll let him try but I will have to see some changes to stay. I really don't believe you should have to sacrifice, compromise yes. Writing it out has helped me clarify some things. I really appreciate all the input! Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 1:49pm
Yes I did move quickly, it's kind of in my nature...I make a decision and go for it...I've moved across the country 3 times just because I wanted to go somewhere new...thankfully I have a career that can go anywhere. I figure I'm single with no kids so why not explore and enjoy life...maybe that is my answer right there. thank you again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 11:13am

You sound like a very adventurous fun-loving woman where he sounds a lot more like a homebody--not that it's bad, just different things.  I note that you said that you spend a lot of time apart.  I think in a good relationship, you would each do what the other person wants sometimes--like you like fishing & don't mind doing that sometimes, but when you want to do something else, does he try what you want to do, even if it's not something that he would prefer?  Like my ex & I used to take turns choosing places to eat or movies to see.  I probably wouldn't have seen all the Rocky & Rambo movies on my own, you know!