How much longer will this last?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
How much longer will this last?
9
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 3:11pm

Today is 5 weeks since my ex and I broke up. We haven't had any contact. Every day since then has been crazy for me. We were together for 6 years, but there were numerous problems in the relationship. We tried so hard, we read relationship books, went to therapy, wrote each other letters, told each other the changes we needed, etc. I guess none of it worked b/c here we are not together. Over the past 6 years, we've broken up many times, but this time really feels for good b/c it's the longest so far, and how many times can two people break up and get back together again before just realizing they're just not right for each other?

I am trying to get through this hell, but its' so hard. I've read breakup books, try to keep myself busy, talk w/friends, etc., but this is ALWAYS on my mind. One day, I think I accept it, the next, I'm angry, then sad, etc. The thing is, I know the reasons why we broke up, and the break up makes sense, but I find myself not wanting to accept it. I'm resisting it. I keep thinking about what he's doing, etc. But the thing that hurts the most is that I believe he has probably accepted that this is for the best and is trying to just move on. I don't think guys obsess and ruminate like women do as much. Also, I keep obsessing about him moving on to other women. After six years of being in a relationship w/conflict, I imagine that he'll feel like like a little kid in a candy store when it comes to being with new women. I keep hoping that we will get back together, but reason tells me that it won't happen. Why would he want to go back to something that obviously wasn't working? We both still loved each other, the problem was that we seemed to be that we were best friends instead of lovers. In the end, we were both unhappy.

I know that I should be focusing on myself, etc. but I feel like I'm just so hung up on what he's doing, etc. THis is like an emotional roller coaster that I can't take anymore. Crying, fantasizing, anger, sadness, acceptance, and then the whole thing all over again. I've lost my best friend and companion of six years.

I have a date this weekend, but I'm not even looking forward to it...It doesn't seem like this will clear up anytime soon. I just don't want to let go of him, but I know I'm probably just holding myself back and making harder for me while he's accepting it and moving on...

Needed to vent, any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 4:12pm

Cristina,


You and your ex were together for a really long time and it is natural that you aren't going to feel great about the breakup right away.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:46pm
Thank you very much. I am trying the index card idea for thought stopping, hope it works!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:28pm

Cristina, don't go on that date! I've done that at sad times and I've ruined what could be a possible connection with a great guy. You don't know and won't even begin to know what he's about if you are still in the healing process from the ex, and I promise you, from my own experience, if the date is not that into you, it will hurt like heck.

Take care of yourself, take your own time on this. Buy fancy scrubs and moisturizers for the skin, hands and feet, sob over rented movies, spend the weekends in your PJ's, buy sweet smelling candles, drink some really expensive wine, do what makes you feel better without worrying if you are doing a dang thing for others or the world, and do this for months on end if you have to. Who cares how long it takes you to heal.

And don't contact him at all. If he contacts you, ignore him for now. If he finds someone else, than realize that it will be same guy, different girl. It might not work for him, but after 6 years together, he's not going to forget you easily. And that is true for the rest of his life. Don't underestimate what you've meant to him or how much he cared, just realize that he's not the one for you.

BE GOOD to YOU!! Now, GO, grocery store, Ben and Jerry's, then treadmill, sleep, warm bath, toe nail polish, STAR magazine, sleep again, chocolate, vacation day, hair appointment, out with girlfriends for breakfast on Saturday, more ice cream and treadmill!!! You're gonna be fine.

Go!!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 7:14am

Thank you for your relply. I know most of what you said is true, just going to take time for me to accept that he's not the one for me. I am trying to take care of myself. I'm going to the gym, started meditating, praying, manicures, etc. The only thing is I wish I had a larger circle of friends. During the last few years, my group of friends has decreased. I have one friend who I go out with, but she's often busy, and I can't just rely on her. Another friend I meet for lunch occasionally, again she's often very busy. My third good friend moved to another state ;( I'm finding it a bit difficult to go out "w/the girls," a support which would be great during a time like this. I know I have their support over the phone, etc, but sometimes, I get so lonely and I feel like I'm going through this alone, especially since the ex was my bf and companion. I'm trying though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 7:51pm

Yeap, I know the feeling. Because of my job, I've moved to three states in the last 7 years. The one thing I've learned is you need to get the girlfriends established first in the new place before you step off the lily pad into the dating pool. You need that gf support system set in case there's a disaster. The last guy I dated (over a year) ended up catting around, and when he called to admit it to me, I instantly glommed onto my gf's here and didn't let go for dear life. But I remember thinking during that phone call, as he was admitting all of his disgressions, that I had no where near enough girl friends for this.

You will be ok. Make good friends with yourself. That's what I've been working on. You should see all the home "improvement" projects I've been doing!! I get so busy doing things all wrong around my house that I can't get lonely!!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 1:00pm

I printed out thought stopping and plan to begin right away.

I am sick of the up and down and feeling like my whole life hinged on this guy....when I know BETTER.

Time to GET TOUGH. :)

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:40pm

I am going through a lot of the same things. I too broke up with my bf about 5 weeks ago. We weren't together for 6 years but a year and half. We are both nice people and we tried to make it work but it just wasn't. There wasn't one main problem either. When people asked me why I broke up with him all I could say was "it just wasn't working". Toward the end it seemed like it was something him and I were both trying to force to work and it just wasn't.

I find myself doing the same things too. One day I'll be fine, the other I'm sad and crying. I am trying to keep EXTREMELY busy and do the things I never had time for. Time is the key here, each day will hopefully get better.

Hang in there and take care of you!

Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:13am
I am casually dating a few men at 8 weeks post. My goal is not to rebound into something new but to find someone nice and have some conversations and what not...It helps me a lot but when I come home, who do you think I want to be with and who I think about? Bingo..the ex...sigh..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:04am

Being around friends is the most important thing for me to do right now. I feel like there is a big hole in me and having people around takes the shape edge off that feeling. If you are short on friends right now, then you need to get out and meet new people. I've found social clubs a great way to meet people. Don't try the single clubs yet. Leave them for when you are ready to meet men and start dating again. But social clubs are just for meeting people with common interests. There are ski clubs, biking clubs, book clubs, dinner clubs, etc, etc. Sometimes I have to force myself to get dressed nicely, (as opposed to my comfy sweats and slippers), and then force myself to go out. But it does feel better to be around nice people doing some kind of activity than to stay home and wallow in the memories.

Good luck and keep us posted.