How much time.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
How much time.....
6
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 4:35pm
Hello everyone. I have a question. How long does a man have to be with a woman before he realizes if she is the on or not? I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. He is 32 and I am 27. Everytime I bring up anything about the future he gets really defensive. He tells me to quit worrying about the future and a ring. He says that something will happen someday. That it will happen when the time is right. He never wants to talk about it. He still lives at home also. Am I just wasting my time with this guy or should I stick it out? Thanks for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: rsqt85
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:09pm
6 years with the same man and you not married? something is very wrong here! There are some serious issues with this and the best way to confront this is by being open and honest about it with him. Tell him what you want and if he does not want the same......LEAVE!You are wasting your time with a man that wants no commitment with you.

Give him a gentle ultimatum and act on it. DO NOT go back on your ultimatum or he won't take you serious about it. If he truly loves you he won;t let you get away , if he still does not want to marry you .....LEAVE!

Get the book "HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU".................and sweetie.....he is just not that into you! Stop making excuses for his bad behavior!


Good Luck and God Bless!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
In reply to: rsqt85
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:11pm
Don't ignore what he is saying too you. "Us" women tend to do that, and when our heart is broken we have a hard time dealing with it. If you've been with him for 6 years and he doesn't want to talk about the future, and actually gets defensive, then he is telling you he's not ready to get married and that's it. You need to accept that, and ask yourself how long you want to wait for him to ask you. Give yourself a time frame, and see if the marriage proposal comes in that time frame. If it doesn't then you need to move on. Don't contine to waste any more of your time with someone who is not sure if they want to marry you. Remember your a beautiful woman that has a lot to give to someone who wants your love, if he doesnt realize what your offering and wants to spend his life with you, then let him go. I promise you there will be someone out there who will want to share there life with you, just remember that and good luck. Try not to bring up or talk about marriage, that could put pressure on him, because you dont want him to ask you to marry him just because your pressuring him. You want the marriage proposal to be a natural and beautiful thing. What do you think of what I said? good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: rsqt85
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:09pm
You're wasting your time. It's not that he's "not ready yet." He's 32, lives at home, and isn't thinking about the future? What an infantile waste of humanity. It doesn't take this long to figure out your path in life and to be achieving your goals, unless you have no path and no goals. You have to assume that he's content to coast along like an ambitionless slug. Do you want to wallow with him? People who know their minds and know what they want don't dally with their lives this long. If he wanted to commit to you, he certainly knows it's important to you. He has to know that you can leave him, that you have other opportunities out there (you have still retained enough of your own life and goals to be a well-rounded and secure person capable of functioning without him, right?). He knows you're a limited resource, so to speak, that there's a market for you, and that you are very dissatisfied with the situation. Knowing all that, he does not care. He's willing to lose you. Give him what he wants. You'll never get what you want. (Incidentally, what you want is a willing and devoted suitor who enthusiastically proposes to share his life with you, not some badgered slacker finally hectored into caughing up a ring because of an ultimatum.) You deserve someone who knows he wants you. Go find him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
In reply to: rsqt85
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:38pm
I think most men make up their minds pretty quickly whether or not a woman "fits an image" of someone they want to be with or not. The good news is that he's wanted to be with you for so long. The bad news is that he might not be terribly motivated to change the relationship simply to meet your needs. I have to be honest and say it seems he has all he needs from the relationship. Is that fair to say? So then what would ever get him to suddenly realize, "Hey! I need to get up off the couch and start treating her with a little more respect, RIGHT NOW!". lol

I'm sorry. I really don't mean to make light of your situation. It's very difficult to get someone to consider their future if they have all they need at present.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
In reply to: rsqt85
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:55pm
I think you already know the answer to your question.

All relationships are different and there are people that spend years together before they finally get on the same page to marriage due to timing and careers etc etc but marriage is still acknowledged to some degree, however, I do NOT think this is the case with you. It sounds like he never plans on being on the same page and I would cut your losses and move on. The fact that he lives at home (and it doesn't sound like a temporary situation) is also an indicator that he just doesn't seem to have ANY goals or thoughts of even his own future, much less one with another person. He doesn't seem to be able to get his act together and I guarantee you that probably will not change.

Some people just drift through life day to day with no ambition or drive to do anything, it sounds harsh but they just simply do. I dated a guy for a year and realized he was one of those people, he was 32 as well. There is nothing you can do to change someone.

Listen to him when he says that he doesn't want to talk about marriage, he is promising nothing and that is what you will be getting by continuing the relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: rsqt85
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:14pm
Welcome to the board. Most guys know within the first 6 months to a yr if the girl they are with is the one. I think your bf knows what he wants....it sounds like he's afraid to make it happen or he doesn't want to get married ever. I think 6 yrs is enough time for him to step up to the plate and the fact that he still lives at home makes me wonder about his ambitions. You can stick this out if you want....if you love him and this is your only problem...and you can live with the possibility of never getting married then I'd definately stay...if you can't continue like this then you need to have a talk about it and tell him....if he never plans on taking the next step, to tell you so you can move on. Good luck and I wish you the best!!









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