how much of your breakup was your fault?
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how much of your breakup was your fault?
| Tue, 04-08-2008 - 7:17pm |
so i was thinking about my breakup (2 months now and still talk to my ex) and just wondering how much of my breakup was my fault?
1 - I broke things off once i heard he wanted to be single

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I have to say, I was pretty worried when I saw the title to this thread, because the aftereffects of a breakup can easily break down into self-blame, beating yourself up, endless second-guessing, what-iffing, etc., and I was concerned that this would degenerate into a spiral of self-abuse.
I am so glad it didn't and that all the personal reflection going on around here is leading to the realization that it really isn't a matter of blame when a breakup happens. I might caveat that with my usual three dealbreakers: Infidelity, abuse, and disrespect.
Ultimately, you are how you are in a relationship and it couldn't have been any other way. How do I know? Because all of that is in the past, it actually happened, and unless you were to have been completely different people other than yourselves, this had to be the way it was.
Don't regret-- Learn. Learn what happened, what your part-- not blame-- in it was, and work to improve that about yourself. It can ONLY result in something better next time.
There WILL be a next time, I promise you.
Best of luck to all,
Here's a question to throw out to all you ladies (and if any men) out there about breakups and guilts...
What if your ex was really spectacularly considerate and barely did anything wrong? I'd venture to say nothing but that's exaggerating it. Just an ex who had no deal breakers, who was very caring, no commitment issues....and then you think about all the things you did wrong (that he pointed to) as the reason for your breakup.
Well, then since communication is the number one important thing in a relationship, if he sucked at it, I'd say that balances things out between you. Number one: Two people in a relationship, then two people contribute to its success or destruction.
Basically, just because you can't find something "wrong" with what he did, doesn't mean he didn't do anything to hurt the relationship and contribute to its demise. Plus, it's typical to romanticize the past and the ex. It happens. You'll get past that part, too.
Quit beating yourself up.
Anyone else got one for me? 'Cause I can go all week with the reasons why it's NOT important who was to "blame."
Hi Sandra,
On that thought...I use to agree that both people contribute to a relationship's demise/success until I realized that looking back, I've had past relationships where I've stuck it out for the long haul with an ex who had problem getting his life together (no abuses/no addictions just jobs/education etc). I tried to help as best as I could but he didn't want to do anything in his life. Result: After a long long time of sticking it through with him, I left. I can't say looking back that I feel that I was at fault or that I wasn't loyal. I gave up after I gave it my all.
This relates to my next point and your response. Now I'm not even sure if I am correct in my thinking with that relationship (mentioned above) in me not being at fault but this lends me to think that what if an otherwise very considerate and thoughtful ex breaks up with me and yet maybe he has communicated to me but I just didn't get it or rather maybe I got it but didn't think it was as serious as it was? This is what he (the ex) insists on and I can see his point since he mentioned things in a day to day manner and then one day it was "it's over". See why I feel guilty for the breakup? Because I feel like I could have listened more and because he was so thoughtful at everything...Does this make me like the guy in my past relationship where I kept asking him to get his life together before giving him the boot but he never listened? Your thoughts?
Thanks!
Sarah
i've been reading all these posts and if you were the one broken up with, then i think it is okay to say that it would've happened anyway down the road... unless of course you were cheated on, or cheated on someone, i think relationships and feelings tend to change permanently after that. many of us have doubts in a relationship, but i think that is normal. it is a matter of accepting that we doubt by human nature and that the decisions we make in our lives are based on how happy something make us and if the sacrifices for that decision are worth it in the end. it makes me sad to see people saying that "if" they had done this one thing different then the relationship could've been saved... but is that really true?
i think i just wish my ex was more honest with me at the time of the breakup, but he sugar coated everything because he honestly is a coward and hid behind the phone when breaking it off. he also never told me no, and tried too hard to be a "good" boyfriend, when really he is not a nice person and is a jerk to most women in general unless he is getting something from them... although he treated me well it was far too much work for him. i know i am way more assertive than him and this kept him from breaking up with me in any other way. sadly, i have a feeling he broke up with me for more reasons than he revealed and honestly i'm not going to make my life hell thinking about it. i was just so caught off guard and ignored the signs of the relationship going bad that i wasn't expecting the break up, but now that i look back no matter what i did, i couldnt have changed that. i doubted the relationship from the beginning but he kept me holding on, which was incredibly dysfunctional at the start of a new relationship. then he began to let go, as i got closer, as he drew me in. my ex would've looked for anything that wasn't going perfect, and broken up with me for it. nothing i could've done would have changed that about him. many men will look for ways out, and by thinking you could change something, or if you feel guilty because you did one thing wrong, that doesnt mean it wouldnt have happened down the road eventually.
yes, i did a lot of things wrong in the relationship as well, but that is why it didn't work out. the combination of two people who just aren't in the right place at the right time, or really are at different places in their lives and can't make room for the other person, or are just plain NOT compatible and end up annoying each other until they both start arguments, shouldn't try and be together if one person or both are unhappy. i know i have a ton of baggage from an abusive past relationship and my views towards relationships and he has baggage from TOO many past relationships that went bad due to his perfectionist nature. sadly, i know i am the girl who met all his incredibly high standards yet he still thinks there is better. he also met my "high" standards but really they weren't that high at all. i just lowered myself to his level to feel validated. sadly, no girl who he puts such high standards on will put up with his immature crap. i put up with his crap believing it was worth it because his "image" was what i wanted, then i found out who he really was.
in the end, SO many things bothered me about my ex that i never realized in the relationship because love blinded me from some major red flags.
I_amity,
I wonder if we had the same ex! Your ex sounds like mine...(but he was nice to everyone in general so I don't know if he was just tired of maintaining being nice to me...though he was at least 100% nicer to me than anyone else). He is also a perfectionist, also hid from the breaking up, also drew me in closer and as I felt more comfortable ended up breaking up it off with me without me knowing what went wrong. I was the one he cared most about in all the relationships he has been in and thought I was close to his "ideal" but I am not perfect.
Just curious though since our situations are so similar or so it seems, what were the red flags you couldn't see that now looking back you could? It bothers me that I still can't see any with my ex. Bothers me because (a) I think the fact that I can't think of anything keeps the feeling of guilt and (b) I wonder if I am that blind.
I know my ex is too weak for me because he didnt stay to work through it but I wonder before that, how come I never (and still don't) see anything?
Sarah
My break up was completely different really. I knew for half the time I was with my bloke I didnt want him. I was always the one who got attention from other lads and he was possessive and I played on that. I thought he would always be there. Then it got too much for him. We argued more and he stopped backing down. This then made me annoyed cuz he became very confident in himself which is brilliant but didnt feel good to me. Basically the tables turned and when he started to get attention off other women (even his best mates wife) he couldnt say no and he cheated. Because he never had anyone else but me and I hate to admit it but I was a right cow to him.
And now after all of that I felt I made the wrong decision dumping him because he had a new girlfriend 6 days after the break up and I wanted him back. But of course he wasnt going to have me back because he is very happy now. (4 months on and now single)
So here I am absolutely distraught about someone I didnt really care if I was with or not?!?!
Am i to blame? Probably, but he's no doubt made my life a whole lot easier as I just think I want to be with him and yes it hurts but thats just rejection for you.
Natalie
hello sarahmrz-
a major red flag was drug addiction! wow. if someone says they smoke pot, its good to know how often and how long they have been using, same with "occasional use" of alcohol. being with a drug addict is NOT fun. i should've run away at any sign of it. i didn't see the signs until pretty far into the relationship... short term memory loss, anxiety, forgetfulness, depression, and besides that he was high all the time and that was his excuse for everything in the past few months... it was childish and it is a disease... and a really bad way to escape reality.
another red flag that i didn't see was that he said initially, that he was a commitment phobe, i took that a little too lightly, but now i know he was terrified of being in a relationship even though he fell head over heels and asked me to be his girlfriend (long distance by the way hah). he also told me he loved me and treated me like gold... then it went downhill from there. he is also a textbook perfectionist. he takes longer than me to get ready, and is more feminine than i ever will be. he is also only in serious relationships with girls who are older (aka mommy). it is sad.
he also can't say NO to anyone. i'm serious, anyone. it is ridiculous. he has no backbone, he lets people walk all over him, then resents them because he couldn't say no! he would always complain about how he is just "too nice", and people just take that for granted. me on the other hand, i am assertive, and tell people what i think when necessary. he never ever can tell someone how he really feels, or sugar coats it so they don't think he's a jerk. then he ends up just hating people because they "walked all over him and couldn't see it". i always told him honest to god how i really felt in most circumstances, and i still think he was never as honest with me as i was him. he was always trying "not to hurt me" and really walked on eggshells to be honest, as did i.
he is also immature, and childish and needs constant attention......
not to say that i don't have my flaws as well, but obviously we didn't work out well together.
your ex might be a little bit of a commitment phobe. that's what it sounds like. he holds his partners to ideal standards, and is a perfectionist.... etc.... i'm reading this book called he's scared she's scared, it gave me some piece of mind. check it out : ) and dont' feel guilty because you think there aren't red flags. maybe there aren't and he just has some commitment issues, you never know...
Hi I_amity,
I can poke holes in both examples you've given.
1. You stayed much too long in the first relationship, thinking you were helping him, when really, you're only job in a non-marriage relationship is to have fun, and OBSERVE. I think people make dating out to be much much harder than it should be.
Again, the word to use isn't "fault" because simply by definition alone, no one is at fault when a relationship breaks down, but you most certainly had a big part in how that relationship played out.
2. So what if he was considerate and thoughtful? Honey, my ex-boyfriend was and is the most thoughtful, considerate, best boyfriend I've encountered. He really was and still is pretty awesome, but that doesn't mean he didn't do anything to bring about our downfall the first time around. Please. He didn't open his mouth, for one. Wouldn't tell me until way after the fact that he was unhappy with or even perturbed by something. Guess what that does? It BREEDS resentment and discontent while that festers unsaid, and it serves no useful purpose to keep that crap bottled up inside. How on earth was I supposed to know what to fix if he didn't speak up? So I say the same to your ex, if something didn't make him happy, he needed to speak up in a way that you could understand. YOUR job would then be to listen and try to address his concerns. So obviously "mentioning things in a day to day manner" wsn't working. He needed to see that and change up, then maybe you wold have listened to him more intently.
NOT fault-- Part. Your part, his part. My part, my ex's. Our actions and decisions got us all exactly where we are now, so assigning blame to anything is kinda irrelevant.
Just so you know, my breakup came "out of the blue." I use quotes because typically, the prson being broken up with I was as confused as you are, but when I finally let go of who was to blame in the demise of my breakup, THAT's when things started changing around.
So, no, I'm sorry but I cannot validate your feelings of guilt. I can see you have them, but I can tell you right now they're not doing you any good. You will remain STUCK until you let go of that way of thinking.
;-)
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