How often to meet after break up?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 2:54pm |
Ok, I belong to the camp who think that we should be friends with ex. When ex wasn't a jerk. After all, a boyfriend is someone whom you're closer to than anyone else, in many aspects. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, why not treasure the human connection?
To me, a boyfriend is always also a friend. Unfortunately, I had learned through hard way that not every guy thinks so (that a girlfriend is also a friend). Here's my story, I'm seeking understanding of what are normal expectations.
My ex and I were together 5 weeks. Short, yes, but trust me, I was in love. The break up was more painful than my previous 3/1/2 years relationship. He was, supposedly, he claimed, he was in love too. In the beginning. During the last 2 weeks of the relationship or so, this came down to "caring for me a lot". Because we fought a lot and were incompatible. He probably didn't want to mislead me by still claiming he was in love.
Now, I want to ask you guys' opinion whether it was true he cared for me a lot during the relationship.. based on how he behaved after break up.
By the way, before the relationship started, we were courting for 3 weeks. So in total (before and during relationship) we hang out for 8 weeks. We would meet every 2 days or so.
The break up happened on a Saturday night. I called him on Sunday, and we chatted a while. He also explained more in detail why we were incompatible, but could stay friends.
On Monday, he called me many times during work hours, as he always did during our relationship. Since we agreed to be friends. It was his habit to call. This was good. I felt happy. He even dropped by to see me at work place as he was in the area. But I was busy, so we just caught a glimpse of each other before he had to go.
Up to this it was good. I felt I had him as a friend.
Monday night, I got upset. Called him. He explained more thought processes why we were incompatible. Tuesday, he called less at work. Probably seeing I was upset. But if I called, he would pick up, and chatted nicely. Over the next few days, I would call once or twice during work. As we always did this before in our relationship. It was habit for me, and of course, yes I missed him. Whenever I called, we would chat nicely, as normal. If I called and he happened to be busy, he would always call back. These few days, still in the first week after break up, at nights I would feel upset. And we chatted on phone. Sometimes just normal chat. No longer asking him if we could get back together.
Friday, he asked me out for dinner. Felt happy too. As it seemed we had the friendship. I couldn't make it though.
Second week, mostly it was me calling him at work. Not him calling me. This upset me. During our relationship, he would call 6-8 times during work. I guess I expected at least one call a day. Just being a friend. Just helped soothe my feeling miserable at the end of the relationship. Sometime during this second week, I asked him out for lunch, dinner few times. He said couldn't make it. How about the next week. I insisted on Sunday, and it was fine with him.
So we met on the Sunday of the second week.... and chatted per normal..
From the third week onwards, it went downhill. I still couldn't get over. And sometimes would ask him again the possibility of us getting back. Maybe he started avoiding me too a little?
Now, I feel, that shouldn't happen. During these 3 weeks of breaking up, we began to stop talking in the familiar way we used to talk to each other during relationship. We began talking in a new way.... like friends... As in hardly touched upon our past relationship. He would get irritated if I touched on it.
I told him, in the first 3 weeks of breaking up, I expected us to meet once a week. Is this normal? Just as friends. Really just as friends. If you were in a relationship with someone, where both really cared for each other, and the break up was because of incompatibility, not because someone did something wrong..... Is it wrong to maintain that closeness at least in the initial weeks? The closeness of human connection, and therefore meeting once a week?
What do you guys think? His response was, since I wasn't his girlfriend anymore, normal friends don't meet that often, once a week. I understand, but I told him just in the initial 3 weeks.... if he ever really cared for me in the relationship. Now guys, I wanted this not because hoping to get back together. This is my way of getting over someone.... of starting seeing him as a friend, nothing more. What do you guys think?
T8

I vote not normal. You can't dictate the terms of the friendship and set a schedule.
Carrie
You cannot trully get over someone if you are still having contact with them.