How to Show the Change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2008
How to Show the Change?
3
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 8:22am

My boyfriend of 2.5 years asked for a break 8 days ago. At first, I convinced him we didn't need it -- I now realize I was manipulating him with my tears. I called him 6 days ago and told him I was wrong; if he wasn't happy, he deserved a break.

The reasons he gave for the break were many, but the one that stings the most is that he "loves me, but isn't sure he's in love with me." Among others he said that he was being smothered, he needed to figure out if the relationship had a chance of being forever, that he couldn't be in a relationship that he couldn't get out of . . .

NC for almost a week now, except for one email asking him to define his expectations for the break. In that email, he told me that he wasn't looking for a date, but that he still thinks it should be allowed.

I found his profile on a dating site and from the login information, he's on very frequently. His profile makes it very apparent that he's definitely looking to date. I feel lied to and even though I know it's a break, I feel betrayed.

I'm trying so hard to be a strong, independent woman, but I love him. It feels like instead of just letting me go, he tries to make me suffer.

We agreed to a month break. After which, we're supposed to talk again and if it doesn't work out, exchange our things (he has some of my furniture in particular). My heart breaks because I can't stop watching him pursue other women, because I haven't given up hope that it might not be over. I would rather be done than have to watch him hook up with someone else. If he does hook up with someone else, I don't know that I'm going to be able to forgive. Would it not be fair to tell him that if he dates, it will essentially end any chance of us getting back together? Or do I keep with the nc rule until the month is up and let him do what he will?

---

Update: Yesterday, I decided to call him up and end the break. I basically said this:
"I would like the break to end, because it's been bothering me and I want you to be happy, but I also don't want to force you back with me. I think the only reason people take long breaks is to see if they can live without people. If you want me back after your three weeks, you'll have to work for it. I would like you back now, but it's clear you don't since you want this break. And that's ok, because I'm going to be fine." He said he didn't want to get back together right now.

All of a sudden, I've realized that I was entirely too dependent. I used to be opinionated and bubbly and I became just his girlfriend. I think that was the girl he loved and I want her back too.

The catch is that we live 3 hours away from each other. How will I ever show him that I'm changing? I'm going up on Sunday to get my belongings, but that's the only time we'll come into contact in the foreseeable future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 1:29pm

Welcome to the board hereistohope,


The thing with change is if you are doing it to 'show' someone, you aren't doing it for the right reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2008
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 5:37pm

I already changed when I was in the relationship and I want to change back to who I was at the beginning of the relationship. I'm trying to find old me, because I want her back. I just also know that he wants her back too.

We live three hours away so I don't know how he's going to see it in the way I carry myself or speak because we aren't going to run into each other unless we mean to. I feel like I'm going to have to make an intentional effort to show him because he's not going to see otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 6:59pm
Work on making the changes- for yourself.