How to stop thinking of my ex?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
How to stop thinking of my ex?!?!?
4
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:21pm

I just really need to vent because the past 8 days have been the longest ever. I've never been addicted to drugs, but this is how I imagine going though withdrawal is like. My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me in an email 2 nights ago. I knew something could be coming for the past 8 days when he told me he had to 'think things over'. I am head over heels in love with him and would have done anything for him. I was planning on moving over to Germany in 3 weeks to work there to be closer to him (he's German). We have been toughing out a long distance relationship for a little over a year now with me making the usual visits roughly every 3 months.

My heart is torn into shreds. His will power is much stronger and he is trying to distance himself emotionally from me by not contacting me. I feel so powerless. I can't call him, he won't pick up if he sees my number, and he doesn't respond to my couple emails. Constantly crying, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep... I've dropped 3 pounds in the past week... I can't function. Keep busy, everyone tells me. I tried it last night. Went out with friends to a bar to watch a local band but ended up leaving the bar for an hour to cry in my friend's car. I don't know what to do. It's like at every moment I'm reliving moments from the relationship in my head that bring me to tears. I can't stop thinking of him and what I'm losing and all the wonderful times we had and could have. He blames it on distance.... how he needs a girlfriend near him. Even when I go to Germany, I'd be a 5 hour drive away.

When does this pain end??!?! The worst part is that I have to fly back to Germany in January to finish a 2 week program in Europe (i was supposed to go in 3 weeks, but declined the job since I felt emotionally unstable with not knowing how my boyfriend felt). I have to fly into his airport and have to go to his small village to pick up all my stuff from his apartment. I can't imagine seeing him and not being able to hold him, kiss him and feel love from him. I'm so broken.... everyday is a challenge for me to get through. A day knowing I won't hear from him or be with him is like eternity. :( I can't imagine ever feeling this way towards someone again... i love him with every thing in me. He bought me a white gold diamond ring a month and half ago while I was visiting him; it was the first time he bought me anything like it. He told me repeatedly how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait for us to be together... so what happened?! :( I want to feel better already.. I've done 8 days of hell, i can't imagine another day of it... HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:47am

oh man, do I feel your pain. The same thing happened to me about 2 years ago. I met this guy from France that came to US for grad school. We were together for a year while he was in US and then continued seeing eachother for another 6 months until he broke up with me. It was so hard I have never experienced anything like it in my whole life. He was an awesme guy, we had so much fun together, we would go places, I would visit him in Paris, he'd come visit me, we planned a trip to Australia a month before he broke it off. And then one Sunday, as I was getting ready to baord the plane, he tells me that he can't do it anymore. It came out of nowhere even though now, looking back I realize that maybe there was some indication things arent going as well. Like I said when we were together we had an awesome time but I only saw him every 2 months for 4,5 days which is nothing. I remember he said something once, about why in his opinion most long distance relationships dont work out. He said it's because you don't get a chance to live the real life when you are together. You don't go out with friends, do your own thing, have your hobbies, go through life in a normal way.It's a high when you are together and then a low when you are not and it's just too complicated. Plus it's expensive. Plus sex only happens every other month. Or every 3 months for you.

So, 2 months after the break up I would wake up in the morning and I relived the whole thing all over again. This feeling of how I will never be able to hold him again, how we will never talk on the phone, plan trips togeher. I would go places and all I would think about is how I wish he was with me so I could share all of it with him. I couldnt listen to sad songs, I would go and cry every hour or so. I swore I will never fall in love again. Fast forward 2 years..I don't feel the butterflies when I see his email in my inbox anymore. Yes, we still talk but it's an occasional email 3x a year. It's a weird thing how feelings can change and how yes, you can fall in love again with somebody new. I have dated 2 guys since the Frenchie(as i look to call him :)) and realized that there really is life after the break up. And if you knew how much I loved him you'd think I'd go become a nun after he broke it off.

Anyhow, what helped me a lot was coming to this board and this one lady called Aimee. She had lots of smart insights and one of them was asking me what it is that I really miss. And what I really missed was this life I thought we will have. I imagined it all, us living in Paris, having little kids that speak French, visiting his parents in this awesome house they have, traveling..I invisoned this whole life we will have. And it hit me, I miss more what I thought we will have then what we did have. Does that make any sense?

So I know its hard but trust me it does get easier..and the more you talk about it the easier it gets. I 'used' my Mom and I went over the whole thing 10 times a day until it hit me that he is one in a million but so am I. You'll be ok, I promise. If you need to talk I'll be here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 9:54am

I really think you have a great point about missing what you envisioned yourself having. He and I, even up to a couple weeks ago, would talk about maybe one day having children that we would raise bilingual, who we would send to grandma and grandpa in the US in the summers. It was honestly my dream. I come from a bilingual family and feel so lucky to have had the opportunities I had and want the same for my future kids. He made me feel so sexy and I found him irresistible.. and the thought of looking at another man the same way makes me feel sick, as does the thought of another woman looking at him (and vice versa). I traveled so often to see him... I even lived in Poland for a year to try to stay 'closer' to him (it was easier for me to travel to and from his place from there as opposed to the US).

I want to be with over there so badly with him right now. I keep converting the damn time to imagine what it is that he could be doing.. is he out with his friends in the evening.. is he sleeping? Losing him is like losing my home and my life I had in Germany with him for over a year (I spent a total of 2 years in the country). I was stupid and let go of most all the other people around me when I was with him because he meant everything to me. I don't know what to do or where to go when I have to go back for those few days in January... I don't have so much money to be able to check out a room in some hotel. I'm so lost right now. I want to move back to Germany one day, and have that opportunity in February, but I can't imagine being so close to him and yet so far emotionally.

There were signs. We nearly broke up in February because of the distance. He would tell me it was too difficult but always held out. He has a more 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality, so when I would be gone for 2-3 months, his feeling would become distant towards me.. until about 2 weeks before I would come, then the excitement would kick in. He brought me so many highs and, or course, extreme lows. He made me feel so emotions that I had never felt before or ever expressed... I was allowed to be me.

I hate it so much. Each time I wake up during the night, thoughts of us flood my head and I have to keep telling myself out loud, "it's over, it's over, it's over" or "stop stop stop" until it passes by. I don't know... I'm in so much pain... i wish there were bandaids for this kind of hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the board endlesslyfallin,


Ok, first I want you to not dwell on what will or won't happen in January. Come January, with a lot of work and a little luck, you will feel very differently than you do now.


There's some great reading material on this board, to help you get through this.


Thought Stopping Techinques

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:38am
exact same thing! I remember thinking how cool it will be that we can teach our children french, english and croatian(I'm from Europe originally) and how cool our kids will be speaking all these languages :)
Let me ask you smth..when he and I were together I have to admit I did most of the traveling. I probably did 70% and he did the rest. What about you? Also, another thing to remember is that the reason why you guys had such an awesome time is not only cause of him. You realize that right? You were 50% if not more. I remember I always gave 150% when I was with him...again, I tried way more then he did and we had great time because I was awesome! :) I really did my best for us to have a great time.
The hardest thing for me after the break up was the fact that I knew I shouldnt call him or ask why oh why did he break up. I mean, I knew why he did but still it is such a shock especially because I was willing to wait and work on it and endure all the hardships of long distance. And that's where the difference between us and them really is:they are much mroe pragmatic and can look at things in a more anlystic cold ways. We on the other hand cant think as much as feel. My ex was somewhat considerate after the break up so when we talked on the phone he told me that its not about me, its just the fact that he cant deal with the expenses and always trying to figure out how and where we're gonna see eachother etc etc. So it's not you, if that helps at all. It's life, it's circumstance. They are brave and then decide that maybe not so much and that all their energy has run out and that's it, know what I mean?
The best thing to do now is not bother him too much...just try to be as friendly as possible. I KNOW it's hard, trust me. I wrote him this long letter right after the break up, I called him and cried on the phone. And then I realized that it's over, that's it.If he wanted to do it he would try and try and try. But he doesn't. You can only do 50% and he has to do the rest.
And I agree with Carrie, come January the hurt will subside a bit. However, the hope that he will come back to you, that he will see you and beg you to be with him, will still be there. It will take some time...try tobepatient.And if at all possible try to date again, it helps. I know, you can't do it right away (and im not propagating rebounds) but getting attention from other guys helps a whole lot. And hang out with friends as much as possible. Just don't stay in, by yourself.