How supportive your friends have been?
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| Sun, 07-03-2005 - 2:07am |
Hi ladies,
I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago or so. I know that we made the right choice, but still that doesn't make the breakup easy. I'm not thinking about or not even hoping that we will get back together. I want to put it behind and move on. I know that this is something that "I" have to work on but still, I could really use my friend's support right now. But I feel like I'm not getting much:( My best friend has been great to me, but the thing is that we don't live in the same city. She's been calling me around clock and has been extremely supportive, but she is not physically here. Right now, I want to have friends around me, just to talk or go out to dinner or for drinks, etc. I find that much more comforting than going to clubs or parties just to take my mind off. I asked my roommate to spend some time with me when she doesn't have plans. She went to dinner with me one night but that's pretty much it. The first weekend after the breakup, she had told me that she didn't have any plans, so she was going to spend it with me, so I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate that. Well, right before the weekend, she made another plan with her friend. So I ended up spending the weekend alone. I was very disappointed. Am I asking her too much? It's not like I'm asking her to spend everyday with me. It was the first weekend(weekends are tougher) after the breakup and I could really use her support. So I've noticed that I've been distancing myself from her. I can't help it after what she did. I think it's pretty crappy that she chose to have fun when I was in need of a friend. She's been through a breakup, so she must know what's like...
There is another friend who's been pretty supportive. I always thank her every time she spends time with me listening to me, etc. Well, tonight we were supposed to go out for drinks. She was the one who suggested that. She had a dinner plan with her other friends, so we were supposed to meet afterwards at around 9pm or so. She said that she will call, well 9pm came and past. I figured that she was still at the friend's house and I didn't want to bug her, so I was just waiting for her to call. Well, 10pm came, still no call.....I finally called her. No answer. She called back at 10:30pm and told me that she had fallen asleep at her friend's house after the dinner. Yeah right......If she got too lazy after the dinner, she could have just called me then and let me know that she was too tired that she wants to reschedule or something. I'd been ok with that. So that I didn't have to wait all night feeling crappy. The breakup is hard enough to deal with and friends being not supportive is not helping at all. I feel so crappy right now. Am I being too needy? Is that so hard to be there for a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend?
The thing is that I'd be there for my friends if they were going through breakup. When I was younger, I was the type of a girl who forgets about her girlfriends when she was in a relationship. So whenever I broke up, I had no one to turn to. But as I got older I learned the importance of friendship, so I've gained more girlfriends over the years and never abandaned them for my boyfriend. So it's not like I never spent time with them when I was with my ex. I'd thought that they'd be here when I need them. But that's not the case. I know that they have their own life. But is that too much to ask for support right after the breakup?
Sorry for the long message, but I really needed to vent. What's wrong with me that not only I lost my boyfriend but also I can't even have my girlfriends to be there for me when I need them. I feel so crappy right now. I've never seen a therapist, but I'm thinking about seeing one for the first time. Maybe she/he can help me figure out my relationship problems.
How much support did you guys get? or are you getting from your friends?

My friends are girls I've had as friends for 4, 6 and 10 years. They've proven their friendship time and time again and I know I can count on them to be there. I've also had the type of "friends" that you describe. They are usually fleeting people who are just sort of "there" for a while but aren't devoted to the relationship. They're the type who are there for "drinking" and "dancing" and gossipping. They are almost like guys who are there for saturday night but not for sunday afternoon. You know the type.
You are being needy because after a breakup we are all needy. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem is when the neediness lasts for months or years. That's unhealthy. Being needy after a breakup is totally natural and human and you need to surround yourself with people who will nurture you instead of just reinforcing the feeling of rejection that you so DON'T need right now.
Get some money and go see your real friend or split the ticket and have her visit you. Don't call the other girls for a while- they're being very insensitive, VERY insensitive.
Hi popeyesgal!
Thank you very much for your kind words. I appreciate that:)
I was also glad to hear that somebody else thinks that it's only natural for being needy after a breakup. Just like you said, it's not that I'm asking them to spend every moment with me. I asked my roommate to spend the last weekend with me, cuz it was the first weekend after the breakup. I'm asking their support while I'm getting through the toughest time and it's probably the first few weeks to a month or so.
I actually thought they were type of friends who I can count on and that's why I went to them for support in the first place. I'm very disappointed and very hurt...yes, talk about rejection...
Luckily, my best friend is coming out to see me at the end of this month. She also broke up with her boyfriend about a week before I broke up with mine, so she had already planned the trip anyway, but now I broke up as well and so we are going through the same thing together, so it will be great to see her and hang out together.
Hi byandmm,
I just recently went through (actually, I'm still going through it) a similar situation. I was dumped by my bf out of the blue about a month ago and over the past month, there have only been 2 girlfriends of my circle of 10 "close" friends who I could count on to be there for me. I'm amazed too b/c most of my friends and I have been close for at least 10 years. I guess they didn't think a 27 year old, successful woman with a "clear head" would need the emotional support that I needed. I didn't even realize I would need the emotional support I needed and still need. What's so disappointing is that I have ALWAYS been there for all of them. I may live 1500 miles away from them but I was still on the phone with them when I needed to be.
This situation has made me realize that those two girlfriends mentioned above will continue to be life-long friends. The others served a purpose in my past but no longer will serve one in my future (who I am at 27 is very different from who I was at 17 and as a result, my expectations of my friends has changed.) That's a concept I didn't really understand until recently but acknowledging it now brings me a greater sense of peace and strength.
I've always thought that the true test of relationships is adversity. I can only hope for your sake that your friends realize how unreliable they have been. If not, remember the good times you had with them and move on into your future without them. You deserve much more than what you've received.