How to win him/her back

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
How to win him/her back
13
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 3:50pm

I reread this and I think I should put a disclaimer on this one:


DISCLAIMER:


There are some relationships that end because they really should end. And you shouldn't even think about trying to get back with your ex until you've reached the point that you feel that you don't have to - life is good without them. But for those who think that their lives are better with the ex (you really should think about this carefully) and that the breakup wasn't for a good enough reason - this advice sounds pretty down to earth and good.


** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **


I know a lot of people here are still holding onto hope of getting back together and then there are others that are really against it. Some people do in fact get back together and I think there are definitely relationships that end prematurely. I found this online the other day and I think its a good advice for anyone because even if we don't end up getting back together with our exes we want to exit gracefully and learn from our mistakes. I've underlined the points that are the most common issues that keep popping up on the breakup board:




  • Create some space between yourself and the ex. After taking the time to let your ex know you wish things could be better and you need some time, stop all phone calls, emails, text messages, etc.



  • Take some time to reflect on your own life. What improvements can be made? Be honest with yourself. Have you been selfish? Demanding? Argumentative? Angry? Jealous?



  • Once you've figured out what you may have done wrong in the relationship, resist the urge to call the ex and show off your newfound self-realization. You could be wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Just BE the new improved self.



  • Invite your ex to talk to you. Express regret things weren't working out between you and ask if you can talk about it now that you have some perspective. Ask if what went wrong was related to what you've been working on. Your ex may have a different perspective!



  • If you agree on the things that went wrong are the things you've changed about yourself, offer to try again as long as both of you can work on whatever is left unresolved.



  • Don't forget your ex could have improvements to make! If they were perfect they could have helped you work on your problems while still being together. Don't just cling to your emotions of wanting to be loved, work at understanding each other.


http://www.wikihow.com/Win-Him-Back


One Little Ladybug

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:15pm

Hey

I enjoyed the post. I especially like the last part, where you ask yourself what the ex has also done, rather than clinging to being loved. It's true. We have to take responsiblity for our actions, but it takes two to make a thing go right. I like that that part is acknowledged.

C




Edited 10/24/2006 2:43 pm ET by gal_blondie101

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:22pm
Thanks for this. I hope I did the right thing. I just sent the ex an e-mail. I just told him that I wasn't mad at him and that I knew that he hadn't tried to hurt me. I told him that I still hoped to be able to talk to him, but that I understood if he ignored me. I also told him I was going to back off and give him space, but that I'd check in from time to time to make sure he was doing alright and that if he just wanted someone to talk too, I'd be here. I just couldn't leave things as they were and I hope now I can do NC without fear. It was probably the wrong thing to do....again, but it's what I was feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:26pm

Okay - did he contact you this weekend?


One Little Ladybug
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:33pm
No he didn't, that's why I sent it. I know he feels guilty and I just wanted him to know that I wasn't mad that he didn't answer my questions, that I knew that he probably couldn't. I just know he didn't do this on purpose and I don't want to push, but I want him to know that the door is open.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:52pm

Didn't he

One Little Ladybug
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 5:00pm
Thanks I agree with the article 100%. I had a bad "ending" (not breakup) and we never took the time, problem 1. Second problem is I really beat myself for all i did wrong and I've realized he did a lot wrong too and he won't admit to any of it(he likes the blame game). I honestly think time is the best, but it's hard for me to except that we can't be some sort of friends (not close ones) and i know i don't want him back, i just want the situation at ease. Time does a lot of things. It made me realize I didn't want him, but there were things I valued in our interactions. The only problem is when I did reapproach him i don't think he had enough time and he was cool with it and then weirded out the last time i talked to him. So the big question is, how do you determine when there is enough time? and when do you give up? I have trouble giving up but I have not interest, right now, in performing any more actions to a remedy. I'm happy in limbo, presently, but it's still tough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 5:08pm

You mean when do you ask to be friends again? Or when is a good time to have

One Little Ladybug
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 5:54pm
I know, I know, I keep making the same mistakes over and over. Do you think that I totally messed up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:01pm

No but I think now is definitely a time to let it go and focus on you now. The hard thing about those emails is that theres always a chance you wont get a response and when you send that email you have to be ok with that in advance. So don't send an email if you know you wont be ok if you don't get an answer. I got this advice from my best friend who is a therapist and currently working on her phd so I really respect her advice on this ;-) I'm also just a bit worried that he will think that its ok to not answer now. But I don't know the details of the email so maybe not. Just try to break the cycle you two are in now and then see what happens and keep in mind that forgiveness is not about ignoring your own feelings. Its about

One Little Ladybug
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:55pm
why do you want to win him/her back? there is 6 billion people on this planet... 40% of them a single adults... go fishing!!

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