How would you like to get dumped
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-03-2007 - 9:55am |
I know this is a bit of an odd question, but I am curious to see what people's opinions are when it comes to being dumped by a SO.
If you were getting dumped, would you like to be dumped?:
1) quickly and cleanly where the SO just tells you that it isn't working out and then does not talk to respond to you and gives you no closure, etc. Acts cold to you and ignores you.
2)slowly because the SO doesn't know what he wants. Like he slowly pulls out of the relationship, saying you can still be friends, but first stopping the sex, then later on the affection, then later on cutting down the amount of time spent with you, then later on being colder to you, etc, etc. till it ends up he wants "space AWAY from you", almost a year later.
I've had it done both ways and both ways still hurts and leaves me in tears and weeping for what was once there.

Well, both of those suck because both of those are bad ways to break up with someone.
Sandra,
That was a great post.
Thanks!
Really helpful.
My ex and i had a mutual break-up. Then i panicked and tried to get him back, but he said no and became instantly cold toward me.
He called me a few days to check in on me and acted very polite. He said he wanted to be my friend and that he would like to take me to lunch sometime. he talked about of his recent work accomplishments and asked me how my cat was.
I ws in a state of disbelief the whole time we were talking. it had been four days. I was a wreck. i was sobbing on the phone.
After a while, i realized that this was how he was going to be. So I told him it would be great to be friends in the future, but for right now, i need time to heal. And that i would call him when i was right and ready.
It's just so weird.
How can you love someone and then it is gone??
He was my companion, my confidante and my lover.
And then he's a stranger telling me we should "lunch" sometime.
No closure.
Ijust feel like i was a horrible person or why else would he be so cold???
But, if i had to pick I would pick No. 1 as the best way to break-up.
No. 2 is awful and cowardice.
Hi dutchess,
As always Sandra gives great insight.
The first example, my ex of two years somewhat did that to me. I could see the break-up coming but when he cut the cord, he really cut the cord and although he tried to give me closure, he didn't really know how to and it ended up in a drunken fight. That relationship took a while to get over and I ended up moving away to start over again.
The second example happened pretty recently with a guy I met about 2 months after I moved out here. He came into my life at a time I was very lonely and vulnerable. I had just moved to a new city and was very afriad. He wrote me and we started hanging out and then we started having a sexual relationship. He made the first move on me. We never really dated per se, but we spent a lot of time together and he came to mean a lot to me. I also found out, through some people I knew, that he was hitting on another girl on the same messageboard we belonged to. He explained that away as saying she was lonely and he was her sounding board.
About 4 months after we started getting sexual, he pulled away from me abruptly by stopping the sex and not staying over at my place. He claimed to be allergic to my pets. We stayed friends and hung out the same amount of time as before and he and I were still affectionate and stuff. Slowly he pulled away, first taking away the affection, then cutting down the time we hung out, and yet he told me that I still meant a lot to him. It was hard dealing with that, but I didn't want to give him up completely and he didn't want me to leave either.
He starting dating that girl in a LDR and she came out to visit twice and each time after she visited, he grew colder and more distant from me. I was so freaked out. He didn't want me out of his life though and we still hung out. Finally he convinced her to move out here to live with him. I was so scared. He promised me things would still be ok and we could talk and all hang out.
That all went up in smoke because someone
I really would like to know more about how "boundaries" make you a more wholesome and attractive person.
I have a lot of problems with creating boundaries for myself.
Hmm. I can't predict Sandra's answer, but this is going to come out sort of preachy and clinche.
In general if you have boundaries and you stick to them, you come off as a more independent and mature person, and hence, more attractive. For example, maturity is really, at it's root, the process of discovering and creating your own boundaries. Boundaries like, how far you're willing to go for someone, what you will or won't compromise, what is important to you, things like that. Things like, "I won't have sex before marriage" or "I won't 'settle' for someone who doesn't treat me with respect". In fact, boundaries are often rooted in how much respect and love you have for yourself. People who don't set boundaries or let someone walk all over them come give off the "I don't respect myself" vibe. If you cannot respect and love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Nobody will give a ratsa$$ about you if you don't even give a rat's a$$ about yourself.
There's an old Chinese proverb that says "Better to insult a general than a peasant". The reasoning behind this is that a general has defined boundaries about what he can and cannot do without betraying the righteous code he lives by. On the other hand, insulting a peasant can bring disastrous results because he has no boundaries for his behaviour. He is capable of anything, so to speak. Reflecting back, who do you think the common person admires? The general of course.
The bottomline is by setting boundaries, you come off as mature. And in the same breath, setting boundaries allows people to know where THEY stand with you and they'll respect you for it. Respect breeds admiration and trust, and these are the qualities that will draw all sorts of people to you.
And plus when you set boundaries and stick with them, you'll reflect back in the future and be happy that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
cheers