Huge Mistake, feel horrible
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| Sun, 11-14-2004 - 2:22pm |
right now, i am devastated. i was only with my ex for 5 months, but please don't judge. during these 5 months, things were wonderful, until the end of course. the beginning i had never been so in love in all my life which is very unusual for me, as i am very slow to warm. but this guy was different and i just went with my feelings. he absolutely adored me and loved me in every way. we had so many good times. we did everything together, watch movies, played golf, fished, and so on. i had never met anyone that i had so much in common with. he was the perfect man for me.
then, he started speaking of marriage 3 months into it. i know it sounds so soon, but because we were so happy, and people kept telling me "when it's the one, it's the one. why wait?" i believed they were right. so i went along with the idea. he even showed me rings. he wrote me letters that so called pledged his undying love for me, etc.
4 1/2 months into it, we went on a vacation. it was a long vacation in which there was a lot of stress. i began to see a side of him that i never knew. he was aggatated, and everything i did was wrong. i even slammed the door to hard. needless to say, when we got back a couple of months ago, it was over and i was devastated. i couldn't understand how he could suddenly not love me anymore. first thought of course, was "was he cheating?" but then i thought, i don't see how he could have, we were together all day and night every day. plus, he always promised me that he would NEVER do that.
i never found out if he did. i don't want to believe he did, but i also don't think he did, as he told me that he never wanted to date again. yeah, right like he's going to become a preist or something. he recently confirmed that he never dated after we broke up which was almost 2 months ago.
anyway, how we came to contacting again was when he wanted his camera back. once that was done, he kept Instant messaging me and e-mailing. finally, i had to confront him with what his intentions were and that i would not want to be hurt again. he said that he still had feelings and had missed me very much, but that he was not sure what were doing with the emailing and what not.
well, yesterday he e-mailed me and asked me if i would like to come to his house and watch a movie. he knew good and well that i'm not one for casual sex, trust me. i thought that he may try, but that i'd have to tell him "let's take this slow." so, we watched the movie. nothing happened. i had planned on sleeping in another room, since he lives soooooo far away. so, he asks me if i wanna lay down and watch tv in his room. i did. no big deal. we fall asleep. then, in the middle of the night somehow one thing leads to another and we are about to have sex. i wanted to tell him "let's take this slow", but of course, it felt right, so i did it! BIG mistake!!!!!!! the sex was good, we fell asleep snuggling, but of course, this morning before i left, he dropped the bomb on me. this was after we went out for breakfast. i was walking to my car, he gave me a hug and did NOT say whether he would call. so, i naturally said, "so that's it". he's like "emily, we made a big mistake last night. regardless of want we were trying to accomplish a friendship or to work on getting back together. it was too soon." that was a stab in the heart if i'd ever felt one. had i known that, i'd have NEVER done it! he knew that i was not going to be his "friend"! i told him 2 days ago that a friendship was something that i could not have with him.
i am sooooooooooooo hurt and devastated right now! i feel like such a fool beleiving that he may still love me. i just couldn't believe that he could turn off his feelings like that. he wanted to marry me and used to adore me. now after all this time, he sleeps with me and then decides that he doesn't know what he wants and that sleeping together was a "mistake"! i can't believe this. i feel HORRIBLE. i feel like a used whore. only to be left right after i gave it up. i only did it because i loved him and it felt right, but he said right before i left that it was "way too soon"! help me. i'm losing it. i am not and will not contact him, as i do have my pride. he hasn't contacted me in 24 hours. i don't think he will.
crying in texas,
emily

I've made the same mistake...a lot of us here have. You're not wrong for caring so much about the other person that you keep trying to give it one more chance. Instead of beating yourself up so much for your "mistake", be thankful that his behavior gave you a clear sign that he is absolutely not worth another second of your time. You don't have to remain in limbo wondering if there's any chance things will get better or "he'll come around." He won't. He's pond excrement and now you know without any doubt. You can move on with a clear head and heart. You didn't do anything wrong. You will cry, but you will get better and be a wiser and happier person when you get on the other side of the pain. Also, like I've told a lot of people here, read "He's scared, She's scared" (recommended by others on this site). It absolutely nails the reasons people like your sluglike "boyfriend" act the way they do. After reading it you'll feel a lot better knowing the patterns of behaviors they bring to their relationships and how to avoid people like him in the future. Good luck...
now just be grateful you did not waste anymore time on him than you did and try to heal and move on...and have no contact with him at all.....this is very important...you have to realize that even if he wants to come back you dont want him....he is trouble and will be for every girl he is with....
i am sorry you are hurting but it will get better with time and you will be grateful that you saw him for what he is and got out before anymore hurt...
good luck.
plus, the fact that he literally swept me off my feet and was a real knight in shining armor made me not even consider the possibility of him being a commitment phobe. after all, i never pushed the idea of marriage off, that was ALL him. he went to the extreme of showing me rings. he adored me and worshiped the ground i walked on. then, he started fault finding. everything i did was wrong. i slammed the door to hard, i suddenly cursed too much even though my vocabulary is like 100 times better than his. he would pick fights when everything was 'perfect', which is another symptom. they sabotage the relationship because their fear is so great. i cannot believe that i fell for this act. but i know that i'm NOT the one with the problem. all i'm guilty of is believing that what he felt was true and real. i loved with an open heart and because i know that i'm wonderful, i believed that i deserved someone to treat me like it, so i took. he has made nothing short of a fool of me. and i am having a hard time accepting that this whole thing was a game to him. he said whatever it took and did whatever it took merely to win me over for the day. he never intended to marry me.
this is one sick puppy to live just for kicks to pray on innocent and volnurable women. i know that i had no part in attracting that. that's the thing. i simply thought "this is a genuinely good guy and i'm gonna give him a chance to give me all that i deserve and return the same." the thought of him being a commitment phobe never occured to me. it's hard not to be bitter. i'm sorry, but it is. and the act of accepting that he is a commitment phobe has also been hard. enlightening, but hard. i cried all night knowing that he was always game playing only to win me and dump me. what a jerk! he is pond excretion!
thanks again for all your advice.
-emily
It's all about feelings...and nothing to do with facts.
It's "your desire for me makes me feel so good about myself, I can't get enough of your attention."
It takes quite awhile for "I adore how your adoration makes me feel about me" to turn into "you're a person I respect and admire because of the values you hold, the standards you uphold, the goals and aspirations that you have and have accomplished."
Until "how you make me feel about me" is NOT part of the equation - there's not anything there but "feelings".
Anybody that falls "for you that fast" - is telling you "I'm insecure, I don't like me very much, I haven't invested in myself at all in terms of my future happiness, success and security."
You come along, adore them - they love themselves as a result of their inability to do any wrong in your eyes......and of course, tehre isn't many needs you expect me to meet, or much compromise to make - since "being with me" is your primarily desire and concern.
But, he's not sure what he wants, where he's headed, how he's going to get there or what he stands for...that's why everything is viewed as an opportunity and option for "more, better, different, new"......and that's why when the vacation became involved and you weren't there "solving his insecurities and hassles and life problems" - he was DONE with you.
So, if you want to continue to hang around - go ahead. But realize that he doesn't love you - because he doesn't love himself.....
Feelings are important - but they're not facts, goals, or calls to action. Feelings are a result of your perception of self, your expectations and needs -in light of the situation at hand.
That's why feelings are constantly changing - nobody can control situations.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
These guys are no good, picking and ripping you apart only serves to make them feel better about themselves and that they are accomplishing something by breaking things off with you. Low self esteem is the common denominator and unfortunately we get caught in the middle of their crap.
Don't beat yourself up about what happened, mistakes happen and you know better than to make the some one again. Just put distance between the both of you, no contact is the only way to go, give yourself some time to heal and grieve and you will move on.
Anytime you start thinking of the good times you had together quickly replace it with a realistic thought of how this guy really is. The good times and great things he may have said in the relationship were simply a fantasy that he created for himself and you were unfortunately a pawn in that, as was I. Sometimes I catch myself reminiscing about a vacation we took together or some of the good times but then I remember how badly he made me feel at the end and how I deserve SO much better, we all do.