huge setback....need help please
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| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 6:31pm |
can someone who has gone through this please tell me why i am still hurting so bad after 2 months? our relationship only lasted 2.5 months but it was so good.
i was puzzled by the sudden break up but moving on and doing the no contact thing....for the most part. he did call and email me a few times and i did answer but have decided not to do that again.
then last night i hear from a friend of his that he cheated on me while we were dating...with an old ex that he is now in a relationship with.
why do i feel so sad and hurt all over again....just like it just happened?
how could i have been so blind and thought he was such a great guy....the one quality in him i admired the most was his honesty...........yuk
and how could he have just dumped me with no explanation making me think it was something i did?
and why do i still miss him...that is really sick....and I think i am more upset with myself for still being so sad more than anything else..
i am 26 and this is my first heartbreak....could that be why it is so hard? or is there really something wrong with me that i cant think with my head instead of my heart?
please, oh please....i need the voices of experience here to guide me through this....
i have decided to not ask about him anymore.....
thanks to everyone here who has been so much help in the past...

Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you! You're having a very understandable reaction to hearing from him recently, and to finding out the truth about him last night. Time and no contact are the solutions...I have little doubt that if you hadn't had this double whammy recently (hearing from him and hearing *about* him) that you'd be doing much better. You've had a setback, but if you stick to no contact (and good for you to decide not to ask your friends about him any more, because that's indirect contact), time will work its healing magic.
I know I must sound like a broken record ;-), but the important thing is to LEARN from this experience going forward, not beat yourself up because you didn't know better, ok?
Sheri
Sorry you have to go through this.....
::can someone who has gone through this please tell me why i am still hurting so bad after 2 months? our relationship only lasted 2.5 months but it was so good.
The initial stages of a relationship are the rush of romance, the excitement and it really can seem like things are sooooo great.
::then last night i hear from a friend of his that he cheated on me while we were dating...with an old ex that he is now in a relationship with.
It wasn't sudden for him. You were a rebound relationship as he wasn't over his ex and the probably reason for the sudden break up was that he didn't want you do know that he was a cheater, liar, had no integrity and could string both of you along without either of you finding out.
::why do i feel so sad and hurt all over again....just like it just happened?
Because his behavior makes you think that something is wrong with you. That you did something wrong, that you couldn't hold on to him, you didn't love him enough, give him enough of whatever. BUT that is so wrong. This isn't about you. You are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, choices, decisions or behavior.
::how could i have been so blind and thought he was such a great guy....the one quality in him i admired the most was his honesty...........yuk
Love is blind at times....we see and hear what we want to or what the other person intends, and some people, like him are good at hiding the real truth....again there is nothing wrong with you.
::and how could he have just dumped me with no explanation making me think it was something i did?
Because he's self-centered and because if you really think about it what could he have possibly said that would have made you think everything was ok? "I'm seeing someone new." "I'm seeing an ex." "I feel we aren't compatible." Anything he could have said would still make you feel like something was wrong with you. You'd wonder what does she have that you don't. You'd try to 'fix' the compatibilty issue if he brought that up, trying to stay in the relationship. Chances are there is nothing he could say to you that would make you feel better about the relationship ending.
::and why do i still miss him...that is really sick....and I think i am more upset with myself for still being so sad more than anything else..
You still have to grieve for the end of the relationship, for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been. Vent on paper, start journal writing. Write him UNSENT letters telling him how you feel about his dishonesty, then burn them. Scream, cry, dump it all on paper.
::i am 26 and this is my first heartbreak....could that be why it is so hard?
It could be.
::or is there really something wrong with me that i cant think with my head instead of my heart?
You are in good company....most people decide romance, relationships with their heart.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
thanks for your reply....you had said...
"It wasn't sudden for him. You were a rebound relationship as he wasn't over his ex and the probably reason for the sudden break up was that he didn't want you do know that he was a cheater, liar, had no integrity and could string both of you along without either of you finding out."
this ex that he got back with was from 4 years ago....and he has dated other people in those 4 years so i really dont think i was a rebound for him. so i guess i cant feel better about that....
and he had told me that he had been talking to her....as a friend.....so i had no reason not to believe that...
it is a really confusing deal i know.....and it is making me trust my judgement.
i did not have enough information about this girl but the funny thing is none of his friends did either....it was not a long reltionship and they dont even remember her.
maybe she was the one that got away and he just could not resist being able to rewrite history....
since i ended my only serious relationship of 6 years, three years ago, i have not found anyone that i have felt this way about....so i guess what scares me is that i dont want to have to wait another 3 years for my next relationship....
i know that confidence and self esteem are important when meeting someone and mine is at an all time low right now....
just rambling but thank you so much for your words of encouragement....they did help
thanks sheri...
i had always heard that it takes you about half the length of a relationship to get over someone...so i thought if i dated him 3 months i would be over him in 1.5 months.
i guess that is way to easy....i now know that you have to do the work to get over someone and that it wont just magically happen with time...
i will stick to the no contact thing....i know that does help....
thanks again