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| Tue, 10-23-2007 - 12:41pm |
Well, here’s my break-up story. I could use some insight, advice and support.
I have known Neil for one and a half years. We started dating for about a month before the summer. Over the summer I went to graduate school across the country. We talked on the phone as much as we could, and I came back late August to return to my job as a teacher.
We started living together when I came back (late August), and since then it’s been a bumpy ride. I felt he was paying too much attention to fixing up his truck and not helping around the house. He felt I was angry and edgy with him all the time, that he couldn’t do anything right. On Sunday we had a discussion, and I asked him if he loves me, he said he didn’t. I asked him if he wanted to be with me, he said he didn’t. He told me that he was going to look for another place to live and that he didn’t want me to end up hating him. I told him that I wanted to work things out because I love him, but he had to do what he had to do. For the rest of the evening I spent it in my room so we could have some time apart.
Since Monday morning, things have been better towards us, it’s as though Sunday afternoon never happened and he didn’t say those things. He’s been making an effort to help out around the house (doing dishes, taking out garbage), and I’ve been trying to be nicer towards him. He hasn’t made any effort to pack up, stay at a friend’s place, look for another place, etc. Yesterday he came home from work and we actually talked and joked with each other. So my question is, what is going on? Is he having second thoughts? Is it over and he just wants to be friends? Is he using me? If anyone else has been through this, please let me know. Thanks!

Welcome to the board lisa3445,
Maybe the conversation was a way of venting and clearing the air without reaching a final resolution?
Hi Lisa,
You know, a lot of times what happens in a breakdown of a relationship is that people just don't know how to ask for what they want.
Hi Sandra,
Thanks for the insights, I appreciate it. Since the discussion we had on Sunday, I think we've both thought a lot about the situation between us, and how we could make a couple small changes to improve our relationship. I've really made an effort to be less edgy and crabby with the things he hasn't been doing around the house and from the stress of work (I work with a bunch of morons which is really draining...). While I was waiting for him to come home from work last night, I found that I was missing him again and developing a deeper appreciation for him and what he does do with me. He seems to be making an effort to help out around the house more when he can (e.g. - dishes). Monday night he was falling asleep on the couch, so I turned the TV down and threw the couch blanket over him. He said "thank you" - which surprised me because I thought he was asleep. He's starting to use terms of endearment again (dear), but no physical affection yet (hugs, kisses - it's been awhile because he's getting over a major cold). I'm still a bit anxious because I feel like the other shoe is going to drop - is he thinking of me like a roommate/friend and is still planning on moving out, or is he trying to work on the relationship? I guess for now I just take it day by day, and talk about it here. These message boards are great!
Hi Carrie,
Thanks for the welcome. I think you're partially right in that it was an opportunity to vent and 'clear the air' between us. I don't think either one of us is really ready to discuss it again, so I'm giving him space for now. I'm just afraid that if I bring it up too soon, I'll put pressure on him and he'll decide to leave (he's a Taurus, I'm an Aries). I have read Relationship Rescue - a very good book that has helped me resolve a lot of issues, but I could probably benefit from reading it again. I have also read Love Languages (he hasn't), so I'm aware of how him and I express love. I'm also taking this time to examine my needs, and how I can address them on my own without having to rely on Neil to fulfill these needs for me.
i would suggest that along with talking about it here (which is a nice, warm, fuzzy place to be!) you also talk about it to him. he said what he said, and at some point, you need to
Well, my hopes for a reconciliation between Neil and I are quickly fading. In less than a week things have slipped back to where they were before our argument on Sunday. All week I have been making an effort to keep him happy – making him dinner when he comes home late, walking his dog, keeping the place relatively neat and clean. For the first couple of days, I thought things were going to work out. He was helping out more by doing the dishes, taking the garbage out, and cleaning up after himself instead of just dumping all his tools and workclothes inside the front door. I guess the novelty of being in a relationship has worn off.
For the past month he’s been sleeping on the couch instead of coming to bed. We decided this because I had an eye infection that I didn’t want to give to him, and he had a sinus infection that he didn’t want to give to me. Up to this point he sometimes slept on the couch because he snores and I’m a light sleeper, or he fell asleep while watching TV after I went to bed. Now that we’re both feeling better, I thought he would return to bed, but he seems content to sleep on the couch.
Throughout our relationship there has never been much intimacy between us. A month after we started dating, I told him that I loved him whereas he has never told me the words. Kisses were always a peck on the lips before he left for work in the morning (that has stopped for over a month – I thought because we were both sick, but he hasn’t made an effort to start again). We were only intimate on average once a week. Even when I came back from going to graduate school over the summer (we were apart for 9 weeks), he didn’t want to be intimate more than once a week. I felt like I had been married for 15 years and it has only been 4 months.
I guess I’m coming to the sad realization that this relationship means more to me than it means to him. I’m making all the effort to try and make things work between us, I’m doing all the compromises and sacrifices while he’s just ‘there’. I’m angry because all this effort is draining, and ultimately affecting my performance at work and in my Masters course I’m doing online. I find it ironic he has all this time and effort to fix his truck, work on fixing the snowmobiles, go hunting, etc., but can’t seem to find the energy to give me a hug, make dinner, or vacuum the floor. Hell, he pays more attention to the dog than to me, and then he can’t figure out why I get so easily annoyed with the dog.
He said on Sunday that he was going to move out, but he hasn’t indicated that he has any plans to (probably because he has it too good here at home). So I’ve decided that him and I are just merely roommates and nothing more. I’m lowering my expectations, and more importantly, I’m focusing my efforts on something way more important than him – me. I’m going to start investing more time into my studies without feeling guilty that the place is a mess. I’m going to read more, exercise more, talk with my friends more, and do things that make me feel good without considering if it will make him happy or not because he only seems concerned with the dog’s happiness. If he moves out, I’ll probably forget about what a selfish jerk he is and try to get him back. By having him around, he’ll serve as a constant reminder about how I’m compromising too much and settling for too little. Welcome to the anger stage of the grieving process…..