hurt and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
hurt and confused
8
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 8:25am

Just over a month ago my boyfriend of 3 years decided that we should take a break over our alevels (exams) as he needed to figure out if it was still what he wanted. He kept telling me he loved me so much and he thought about me all the time and it was really affecting his work. i felt he had been stressed the past few months and i was the only one who said i believed in him and i gave him a lot of support and encouragement.
Needless to say i found it difficult to know how to act around him so we didnt talk much. 2 weeks passed and we had our prom. It was something i had been looking forward to all year and he didn't speak to me all night didn't come and say i looked beautiful so i ended up crying for an hour before he came over and apologised for everything. I ended up ignoring him but he went and sat by himself and he looked miserable so i had the courage to go over and put a smile on his face and get him to have the last dance with me. He held me so tight like he didnt want to let go and ended up kissing me gently on the lips. He offered to take me home so he did and we sat in the car for a bit. I was a little drunk so ended up collapsing on him he had his arm around me and i tried to kiss him, at first he said not right now but the second time he was up for it. I asked if it was still temporary and he said yes.
The next day was our last day of college. A day i didnt enjoy. He picked me up, swung me round, stroked my hair before saying can we go and talk. This is when he decided to tell me he lied to me and there was someone else. The very person who was my shoulder to cry on when we went on a break and who i confided in when i said how much i loved him. She has a reputation for breaking relationships up or at least trying to, she doesn't see what she's done wrong. It came about when we were on a break, she wasn't in his thoughts beforehand. At this point he was still saying he didn't know what he wanted and he was confused.
I refused to talk to him for the first week, i practically collapsed. However i sent one email telling him how i felt and he continued to beg me to talk to him and saying he didn't intend for it to happen and he was sorry he didn't give us a chance. He said he was hurting bu had to pick himself up and he thought about me all the time and he loved me. He even admitted he was still confused and didn't know what he wanted. His mum has been one of my biggest supporters in all this apparently and he has had to live with her giving him a load of bother. There was a gap of about 2 weeks before he spoke to me on msn and i finally told him to stop messing me around that he made his decision but i miss him so much and i've found it so hard to cope with my exams. He said he hadn't done much work for his exams so i ordered him to but apparently i was more important. He didn't want to affect my exams when we were on a break but he made it 10 times worse. The reason we did break was so he could concentrate...something he hasn't done as he's spent all his time with her. It's taken me over a month to even start to eat properly whereas it took him a week to just move on and forget me after we'd been together 3 years. He hopes we can be friends but i don't see how it's possible when im still so much in love with him, i can't stop thinking about them being together, we have the same friends so i can't avoid it. I just feel so betrayed, i don't feel he had time to think and with all the stress that we've both had we haven't been thinking clearly. Part of me feels that if he truly cared and loved me he would have spent time thinking and would have wanted to carry out the plans we had such as spend more time together in summer and do different things, our routine consisted of watching dvd's, going to party's but not going out together much. My friends have told me to forget him and i deserve better which i guess i realise saying as i haven't been happy the past few months the climax being he hit me athough only on my arm but it was violent, first time he'd seen me cry in nearly 3 years, i got a lot of attention after it though guilt trip i guess.

If anyone can offer any advice i'd appreciate it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 9:07am
I'm not really sure what advice your looking for, but honestly my opinion, you need to try and move on. He's not sure what he wants, and you shouldn't wait around and see. I know it's hard, and you still love him, but I just reading your post, and what I have experienced, he's not the one for you. You don't see it, but when you move on, you will. You sound young, mentioning a prom, so honey, if your just getting out of high school, you have so much a head of you. You will learn what too do, and when you do, it will stay with you for life. Try and move on, with no contact. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 12:16pm
I just need help knowing how to move on. Im 18 we're both going to the same uni in september so i guess it had to happen sooner or later, i get worried and nervous when i go out with my friends in case he's there as i can't stand being around him knowing what he's done. He doesn't seem to care. He's always happy and im left feeling empty and lonely. He's going to take his new girl with him everywhere as she's clingy i haven't seen them together but seeing him after a few weeks was bad enough. I will get through it i have a lot of support from my friends who aren't going to accept her being around them. Thing is i have to go away on a trip with her for 12 days not looking forward to that feel like she's stabbed me in the back although it takes 2. I was unsure as to whether he was on the rebound and perhaps would come back in a few months who knows for now i just want to go out and meet a lot of guys missed out a lot since i was 15. I guess if i go out and he's there i shall continue to ignore him i've removed teddy bears and gifts he got me out of my sight deleted his number off my phone deleted all the pictures and deleted his msn address. It helps but my friends still mention him and stuff, i didn't think he could hurt me this much and i half wished he would have at least fought for my friendship after i've been such a big part of his life (as he put it) but he hasn't even asked me how i am or anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 12:18pm

Welcome to the boarfd sarakins88,


I agree with the previous poster about moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 12:38pm
Look at this way, he's now with another female, who just days or weeks ago, had some type of contact with you. I guarantee you, what he did too you, he will do the new girl. He's young, and it will take years for him to realize, the way you treat people, comes back too you. You should be thankful, God, has placed you in this situation, so you can get out early, and not spend another waking day, and moment with this guy, who doesn't deserve you. I promise you, he will realize in years to come, that he made a big mistake with you. He doesn't see it now, but he will. Since your so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and this will not be the only broken heart you'll experience. You'll just know how to handle it better. The pain won't be so intense like the first heart break. Do your best to move on, and leave him alone. Listen to me, it's for the best, and I know I'm a stranger, but it took me some years to finally get it, and I want you to start now, so it will save you heartache later on in life. I wish I was your age, and have the knowledge I have now. It would of saved me from some stupid mistakes I made with men, that I now know, I wasted time. But it was time spent, that allowed me to grow. Take this pain in your heart, and move on. It's for the best. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 3:55pm
Yeah i agree my best friend said he made the decision and i even said to him there was a point to which he could have said no knowing he had promised me things however i can see how much he cares now and im all the better for it. It doesn't stop the pain and it's not like im going to see him much in the next few months so i have time to heal and meet new people. It doesn't appear that he's moved on yet with all his comments that he thinks of me all the time, we were best friends as well as bf and gf so he has lost everything and he feels alone. Might have to see him tomorrow night but unlike last time im not going to cry im gonna show him what he's missing im going to have a laugh something i haven't had in ages. I just hope the whole cutting him off idea works everywhere i go i get memories i do end up telling myself not to be so stupid lol. I know there's never a right time for this but he could have chosen a better time too instead of ruining the end of my school life and jeapordising some important exams, he knows i told him we can't be friends so i doubt he'll try to come back in my life as much as i hoped he might have done if i meant that much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 8:18pm
Thanks a lot for the advice i really appreciate being able to talk to someone who isn't involved in the situation so can probs judge it better. Im going to try to move on and even if i come across him as i might tomorrow night im going to show him what he's missing might be just as hard for him to see me with another guy, would be nice for him to have a taste of his own medicine.
x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 8:13am

Honey-as a mother of an 18 year old senior daughter-all I can offer you is the same advice I offered her and, believe me, it worked.

So far, you're doing everything right; don't even have his number in your phone, his screen name in your list of buddies; do everything in your power to keep him "out of sight..out of mind".

I know it hurts immensely, and, even at 18 and after being with him for 3 years, you probably never ever thought he'd do this to you...but you're both young and it happens..but ALWAYS for a reason. A reason you may not know now..but you'll realize later.

And you will be able to be friends again..at a time when you're "together" more and the sight of him won't make you weak. And he will, someday, look back and think of you and, if nothing else, remember what a great girlfriend you were and maybe even try, at some point, to rekindle the romance..but, for now, lean on your friends; more than any mother can, they can understand you and listen and console you.

You WILL meet someone else someday and look back on your relationship with him and "thank" him for breaking up with you so that it opened so many more doors for you.

Smile-keep your head up, honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:30am
Hey just letting you know im doing much better now, been out a lot and met new people. My ex has tried to talk to me asking how i am and i guess ignoring it worked as now he's bugging my best friends all the time demanding to know about the new guy ive met. He wants to know if he'll ever be forgiven which i think now he knows he wont be and as for wanting to make it up to me which is just a guilt trip and is rather selfish. I do find out details about his new relationship and all i can say is it sounds completely false and ridiculous, to be honest it makes me feel stronger. this new girl is planning their wedding, if he doesnt get the grades for uni he's taking a gap year so her parents are pulling her out of school which is a bit extreme. Im my own person now and have truly learnt from my mistakes im not too sure as to whether me wanting him to be jealous is a good idea as it means im not doing it totally for me but knowing he got annoyed cheered me up. Thanks for the advice and im going to continue having fun and ignoring him, besides its rather fun being single.