Hurt and confused
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Hurt and confused
| Sat, 08-27-2005 - 2:50pm |
I am going through a tough time and need some advice. My bf and I were together for 2 1/2 yrs, we moved in together after 10 months. In the past he has been deceitful by talking to his ex, giving his number out to a girl. He would apologize and express
his love and things would be ok but I still couldn't fully trust him. I tried to see the good and wanted to believe that we had something special. Last week his phone rang, I didn't recognize the number so I answered and it was a girl, I went and told him
'she' was on the phone. he said he didn't know who 'she' was. I started asking her questions to which she responded she was friends with his brother and her friends had hung out with them a 'few times'. She then said that she thought he and his gf broke up.
She went on to tell me how she was from out of town and just wanted to hang out, they had never hooked up or anything. I hung up the phone and started packing my things, he is explaining that he barely knows her and they hung out with her friends once
He calls his brother and tells me his brother gave her his number and can't believe she just called (midnight) and caused all of this. I felt like it was bs so I left. he called and still tried to 'explain' everything and wanted me to come back. I was upset and confused and we were arguing. Eventually he hung up and the next day I stopped by to pick up a few more things and there was a letter saying im sorry for the way it worked out, I didn’t do anything wrong, your overreacting... he also said that he still needed money for bills. I later text him saying that I was moving out Sunday and if he was working - his response - if you say so. its only been about a week and weve talked a few times, mostly arguing but a few days ago we talked calmly and he was saying how he was sick, depressed, confused and angry that I left. he went on to say that he didn't want to lose me but he was tired of the drama, he wanted to give things time and then we could reconcile, he still wanted to talk and see what 'steps' we should take. I didn't have much to say so we hung up, he later text me - goodnight. The next day I realized how do you move on if you still talk and take time apart and how do you mend the relationship if you are not addressing the issues? I called him and briefly explained my confusion he was at work and said he'd call back its been a couple days and he still hasn't called. He has moved back in with his parents and I am moving in with a friend. this is all very hard for me b/c I don't understand his reaction, why is he avoiding me now? Why is he unable to discuss whether we decide to move on or take time apart? I appreciate any advice this is a very hard, confusing time for me :(
his love and things would be ok but I still couldn't fully trust him. I tried to see the good and wanted to believe that we had something special. Last week his phone rang, I didn't recognize the number so I answered and it was a girl, I went and told him
'she' was on the phone. he said he didn't know who 'she' was. I started asking her questions to which she responded she was friends with his brother and her friends had hung out with them a 'few times'. She then said that she thought he and his gf broke up.
She went on to tell me how she was from out of town and just wanted to hang out, they had never hooked up or anything. I hung up the phone and started packing my things, he is explaining that he barely knows her and they hung out with her friends once
He calls his brother and tells me his brother gave her his number and can't believe she just called (midnight) and caused all of this. I felt like it was bs so I left. he called and still tried to 'explain' everything and wanted me to come back. I was upset and confused and we were arguing. Eventually he hung up and the next day I stopped by to pick up a few more things and there was a letter saying im sorry for the way it worked out, I didn’t do anything wrong, your overreacting... he also said that he still needed money for bills. I later text him saying that I was moving out Sunday and if he was working - his response - if you say so. its only been about a week and weve talked a few times, mostly arguing but a few days ago we talked calmly and he was saying how he was sick, depressed, confused and angry that I left. he went on to say that he didn't want to lose me but he was tired of the drama, he wanted to give things time and then we could reconcile, he still wanted to talk and see what 'steps' we should take. I didn't have much to say so we hung up, he later text me - goodnight. The next day I realized how do you move on if you still talk and take time apart and how do you mend the relationship if you are not addressing the issues? I called him and briefly explained my confusion he was at work and said he'd call back its been a couple days and he still hasn't called. He has moved back in with his parents and I am moving in with a friend. this is all very hard for me b/c I don't understand his reaction, why is he avoiding me now? Why is he unable to discuss whether we decide to move on or take time apart? I appreciate any advice this is a very hard, confusing time for me :(

My advice to you is to first, go with your gut feeling. That is one of the reasons why I'm in this painful situation. because I didn't go with my gut feeling from day one with my boyfriend, or whatever the heck he is now. If you have a gut feeling that this isn't going to work out in your favor, that he isn't the man of your dreams and doesn't treat you the way you should be treated, then toss him because you will only end up wasting even more of your time with somoene who doesn't really know what they want with you. Second, read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." It's an amazing book, very too-the-point and it's what's getting me through this rough time. There is a chapter in it on men who do the disappearing act. It's very helpful. Any guy who does this to you is too much of a coward to come out and say you're not who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I think that guys avoid women in these situations not only because they're afraid of our emotions and don't want to deal with them, but because they just don't care enough about us as people to confront the issue head on. I don't believe in women picking up the phone and doing all the work because it's like groveling.
I've had thoughts about calling my whatever he is now, but to call him over the weekend asking him if we're doing anything or even what's wrong, would just make me look lonely and pathetic, as if I've got nothing else to do with my time. It lets him know that he's ruining my day, that I miss him. Well, if he missed me, he'd be calling me and that ain't what he doing right now so I better cut my losses and move on. I'll probably call him during the week if he doesn't call me just to put the "relationship is over" stamp on this and let him know that he's proven to me that he's a jerk by not calling.
From what you've written, it looks like you've had 2 1/2 years of a headache. I'm sure you've had great times with him, but if he has been deceitful by talking to his ex in the past, don't assume he's going to change if you get back together with him. I've had three years of thinking someone would grow up and change for the better and guess what? It never happened.
I've thought about calling him but I know that's not a good idea and I probably won't feel any better. If he wasn't in to me then why did he stay in the relationship with plans for a future and we were getting ready to move into a new apartment? We have split up before and a couple weeks go by and then once I in the moving on stage - he called and wanted me back, bla, bla..... I'm also confused because I wonder if he will call and that is why I wanted to put my feelings about his idea of what we should do on the table - so he knows he can't just call or text me whenever because if I'm going to move on that will set me back. I'm flooded with so many feelings and it's hard. After a period of time should I call him just to let him know that it is over there is no 'time to see and keep in touch'? I'm not waiting around but it's all so fresh. I feel that maybe no contact is good so we are able to evaluate everything but I feel that addressing this is better sooner than later.
Edited 8/27/2005 4:15 pm ET ET by fla.grl3
UPDATE:
Well we talked on Monday and arranged to talk tonight. I'm nervous because I don't know how it will go. He is indecisive and I am too. A big part of me loves him a lot and maybe it could work if we aren't living together and build the relationship. If it's goodbye, that will be horrible, but atleast I will have closure. I hope I am making the right decision to go talk to him and I don't make it worse for myself. I will keep everyone posted and thanks for your advice :)
You can't work things out if you avoid the issue.
And you can't take time apart if you're still talking.
I begged my (ex)boyfriend (of over 3 years, I might add) to stop calling me every day until he was ready to take a step towards getting back together (he wanted time and space to do his own thing, to "grow up" because he wasn't mature enough for the kind of commitment we had been talking about, he also wasn't financially stable enough for it... yak yak yak). Told him if he wanted time then he needed to take TIME and not talk to me every day because it was only hurting me. His answer, I'm ready. 2 weeks later we still had not taken a step towards getting back together (in fact, we hadn't even SEEN each other) and then all of a sudden two weeks ago today he tells me:
I still love you but I'm not sure "in what way",
I don't know if I want to be with you or not, and
I'm not sure whether we're "meant to be" anymore.
I got angry, upset, etc. etc. etc. He "had to go" to do some chores around the house before he left to go to his sister's for the day. He said he'd call me back later so we could "finish talking about this". That was 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard from him.
In fact, he didn't even respond to a text I sent him a week ago asking him for my movie gallery card back.
There's no such thing as what might have been but I can't help but wonder if he had just done what I asked to begin with, really taken the time apart and not called me every day, if things would have worked out differently, if I would be hurt less anyways.